[lostinfantasies]

(I don't know if this is the right place to post this. It's from my LJ -- wanted to know what others thought --, and slightly long...)

I've been thinking, a lot, about the residents at the old people's home where I work. And their lives; how they lived, how they were, what sort of personality they had, their family...

All I know about them are their names, their room number, whether they've got dementia/Alzheimer's/this/that/the other, whether they have to have liquidised food, whether they are vegetarian, if they're allergic to something, what drinks they have to have. With some, it's their personality now, such as this person is so particular and neat, that person shouts a lot, the person over there doesn't like sandwiches. With others, it's their inability to talk or something. I know this, I know that.

What I don't know is what's defined them these past few decades. I mean...were they mean? Were they kind? Did they marry? Were they a husband, a wife, a mother, a father? Did they have any brothers or sisters? Were they a fighter, a soldier, a painter, a builder? Did they fight in a World War? Who did they vote for? Did they have children? How many? What are their names? What were their hobbies? Were they born in Gloucestershire (a county; where I live and where my workplace is) -- was the family from Gloucestershire, or did they move from somewhere? Childhood memories; school subjects they hated. Teachers. Did they do anything interesting with their lives? Did they win medals, go to university, have children, earn enough money to get by? Did they fight for their country? Did they save a life?

My nan's recently said something to me that made me think. She has no-one left now that knew her before she met my Granddad. They've been together since their early twenties, and her parents, her sisters, her brother...they're all dead. She's the only one who knows what happened in her childhood -- all the summers, the memories. And that must be incredibly lonely.

It's the same for my Granddad. He doesn't have any brothers or sisters (he's an only child). His father died in the 1960's, his step-father died later, and his mother's really ill, though she's still alive. But he might as well be the only one left, as her memory's going. He's really the only one who knows anything about what happened in his childhood.

Is this what it all comes down to? At the end of it all, you're pushing ninety, a hundred, and you're in a nursing home, unable to walk, being fed by someone else. You may or may not have visitors -- if you have children, and they don't feel uncomfortable coming to see you, they'll visit. If you don't, you've been survived by no-one, and who's going to say goodbye? The people that take care of you...the carers...they know absolutely nothing about you, about your life. They know bits and bobs, they assume things from photographs and things that you may be able to tell them, but your memory'll be going, you won't remember yourself, and then suddenly you're this shell and you can't do anything yourself and some may say that you're better off dead. Because what's life if you can't enjoy it, if you can't do anything?

And what if you're the only one to remember things from your past? Your childhood? It must seem incredibly lonely when you can't talk to anyone who was there about it. You can't say "oh, remember when...", because no-one does. It's just you.

You could be the only person in the entire world who knew what your childhood was like.

Old age just must be incredibly, incredibly lonely. I absolutely never want to grow old -- would rather die earlier than later, and with as much control over my body as possible.

Any thoughts?

[Mystry]

Just one thought...these people you care for are people, they are not just people you get paid to feed or clean or move around once in awhile...they are not numbers...they are men and women who have had lives and need to be cherished...it sounds like you have come up against your own mortality my friend...and if you feel the way you do I would say it is time to change professions...

[lostinfantasies]

I love my job though (at times), and it's worth the rubbish pay and the stress just to see the smiles on their faces when they see that you *do* care. And even if they don't remember it the next day, you can have a conversation with them -- just sit down and have a chat --, and they smile and it's just...it's lovely. It's why I'm still working there. I know I can't be the only person to do this but I just...I feel like I have to be there for them, you know? Because I don't know if anyone else is.

Sometimes, all they want is a chat and a laugh. Someone to talk to.

[EJ711]

Dear Lost -

The elderly are not valued and respected as they deserve in most of our societies today.

Thank you for watching over the ones you do. At that point in their lives they are boiled down to their essence, and all pretense is gone.

Hugs,

EJ

what an incedibly sad post.......God bless you for the job you do..its difficult.....if you can take a few minutes now and then to ask these folks about their pasts i'm sure that the ones who are able to tell you will light up at the chance to reminice.....we all need to remember that these are the people who can teach us so much....if we will only take the time to ask.....

[(JD)]

I hope you aren't as depressed as the post makes you sound.

Isn't "today" all we ever really have?

IMO God knows our lives, and remembers it all for us.

Thinking beyond my disability, growing old kinds of "turns me on."

[SleepsWithButterFlies]

I don't want to grow old..its just a long trail of indignities and sickness for most to many.

[Rapunzel]

I don't want to grow old either. I never really expected to make it past 30, and I'm shocked to find myself now at 29 +++++++. I worked at nursing homes too, and I loved the people there. Your observations are really insightful. Maybe you should think about working in social services, where you could make those concerns a priority, and try to help and encourage the residents and their families to talk about and record their histories. It's so good for them to do that if they still can. Anything that they can remember, and that you can help them remember, helps them to be real people who are still living their lives. They aren't still here just to be fed and cared for. They are still living their lives. I'm glad to hear that someone like you is there and cares about who the people are who you are taking care of, even when they can't tell you much about it anymore.

Rap

[cherybery]

I work and hospice and have had thoughts much like you. I personally think lonliness can come at any age. The thing about Alzheimer's is they live in the moment yet once in a while something will happen that makes them remember the past. With that said, with your compassion you are giving these people means the world to them right now.
HUGS
Cher

[(JD)]

another thought...from the other side of the patient... if the caregivers really cared like you all seem to... the relatives of the patients would love for you to know more about them and the family and what they loved to do etc... it's just that I think you and family are like ships in the night... plus the family doesn't KNOW you would like to share more in their family member's life...

I think that would help in some ways to feel good/better about your work. It won't make it any harder when they pass, as you already care so much! tc

[wisewoman]

Wendy already hit on some of my feelings. It is important to have pictures with the older person when they go to a home. And the pictures should be labeled. If someone has a memory they want to share, write it down. In the end all we are is our memories we leave behind.

Yesterday I was at a stranger's home, long story, and the three year old was pulling out toys from the ancient tool box. She pulled out her great grand mother's photo album. I jumped up and took it from her and brought it to grandma. I know a lot of grandma's family. She showed me my friend., her brother who died over 3 years ago, she showed me her and her spouse and smiled a happy memory smile. I tried to encourage her kids to write stuff down and get the photos redone as they are damaged. This is their history and it is a gift.

I want someone to be my rememberer if my mind fails. I want to hear the nice stories from my life, not the tradgic ones. I want to hear about the adventurous little girl in the hayloft, on the tree swing, in the trees. I want to hear about wild horse rides. I need to tell my children these stories now, I have been so quiet about my life that I have told no stories. The good also touch the bad and I have kept quiet. You remind me that the tradition of oral history is urgent and all we have in some cases to keep our culture alive.

Very interesting post. Timely for me. If it's okay to stray a little away from the main topic, yesterday we spoke, this family of relatives to my dead friend, of things like dooryards and elastics and hunin(hunting). We spoke of 84 year old sis memory of mom picking a "switch" which meant a piece of shruberly with no leaves, and hitting sis ankles and legs all the way home with it. I asked her if it was mean and she said no, her mom was very strict. And they explained what a switch was, like a stick, but with plyability. And I watched the today babies being treated as angels and the gifts that they are.

[cherybery]

From a caregiver standpoint I absolutely agree Sky. The best care for a patient is when the family is "actively involved" unfortunately there are many families who are not and I think for the most part is the difficulty of seeing a loved one in such a way. I personally look at each patient situation as their own. The "family dynamics" are personal to each patient. My main focus for each one is that the situation is compassionate and dignified. And like you said I think it is very important for the family too knows you really do care about their loved one. My line of work is different then Losts but it sadly comes down too the mighty dollar in the medical community. I have left many jobs just because of that.

[bebop]

I have to say this. My mother in law always told me she did not want to live past 80. She passed last week with 2 weeks til her 80th birthday. Thank goodness she shared some of her early memories with my husband and I.

[cherybery]

I am so sorry too hear that (((((bebop))))

[ozzie]

((((((((((bebop))))))))))))

I've visited in nursing homes a lot....first my dad, then my mom and now my mother-in-law. All the old folks I see on my visits are so happy if I take the time to say hello or even just smile or wave at them. Most of them are pretty lonely and bored too.