[Phoenix060912]

Ii couldn't find a forum for anger issues, so I decided to come here to see if I could get a response. My problem is that I am enraged over something I have no control. What makes me even angrier is that I know this. You see, an aquaintance of mine just received social security disability. I'm not complaining that she received it. I'm glad she did. It's just that I, who also has it now, had to jump through hoops to get it. I wasn't working for three years. I was hospitalized several times. I was in a partial hospitalization program several times. I have had twice the normal number of reccommended ECT treatments (30). I had to have letters from my employer, from my doctors, and from my therapists. Then I had to go before the judge to plead my case. My diagnoses are Bipolar I with psychotic features (I hallucinate and hear voices and sounds), PTSD (post-traumatic stress disorder), and OCD (obsessive compulsive disorder. I was rejected by SSD three times before I was approved. But I was approved with the stipulation that I would undergo an evaluation in two years to see if there are any improvements. I've been out tof the hospital for two frigging months and I am back to seeing the hallucinations and hearing things. It sucks. My "buddy" didn't have to do any of what I had to do. And she isn't nearly as ill as I am. She's never been hospitalized. She's never had ECT. She's missed work, but how hard is working a gaurd gate during the midnight shift? I am a high school English teacher (American literature mainly). She doesn't have to be re-evaluated. It's not fair. I know, I sound petty. Maybe I am being that. She looks for quick fixes to her depression, like medication. She tried group therapy, but because it didn't address her and only her, she stopped going. I believe that what you put into something is what you are going to get out of it.

I work hard, very hard at trying to ignore the hallucinations and voices and sounds. In fact, I woke up four times last night swearing I heard something outside my bedroom window. I'm exhausted with having to fight that battle and then to find out that she got her SSD in less than six months withoiut having to see a judge and I had to wait almost three years and go before a judge? Screw that. I take all my meds. I go to individual therapy. I see my pdoc regularly. I journal like my pdoc and therapist tell me to. But right now, I am only getting worse. And being angry over something I have no control just makes things worse. I know that. It just hurts to know that people who really need SSD aren't getting their benefits because others who aren't as ill and can still work are.

I have vented enough. Thank you for listening. I will continue to work on reducing the anger.

Good Afternoon,
Phoenix

[here today]

I'm sorry you are hurting so much about this. Can you talk about this with your therapist? Do you have a good relationship, or is that maybe something else that needs to change? This sounds like the kind of rage I have had sometimes that related to (old, childhood) unresolved stuff. As awful as it is right now, do you think that maybe having your rage triggered could be an opportunity to get better understanding and "working through" of the original stuff? Which, for me, sometimes meant it got worse before it got better, but then it got REALLY better.

[Phoenix060912]

Here Today,
Thank you for your response. I meet with my therapist on Monday, so I will talk it over with her then. Until that time, I have been journaling about the emotions and reasons behind it. I don't know where it is really coming from. I think you're right though. Once I do figure out where the anger is coming from maybe I will be able to move forward in my "recovery".

Again, thanks for the words of encouragement.
Phoenix060912