What's wrong with me?

Hi. First off, I’m not one to diagnose myself. I hate it when people do that, but I’m just so mentally exhausted that I need answers. Please don’t think I’m over-reacting either. I am a teenager (15) but I don’t want to seem whiny or obnoxious.

My Doctor said I have OCD, depression, psychosis and mental disturbance, but never really listens to me and I feel like I’m on my own. He treats me like a naïve little kid who can’t understand anything but I’d rather have the brutal honesty than a bittersweet lie. I don’t have a therapist/psychiatrist or anything like that. I used to be with a psychosis intervention team but they sort of disappeared and didn’t even believe in mental illness and were really unprofessional so we just left them. I take sertraline/Zoloft but I’m coming off them (I don’t really think I’m ready though).
I won’t go into details (everything started when I was seven) so I’ll just state the recent things (12 months up to now).

I have periods when I’m in this dark tunnel. Like nothing good will ever happen again, I’m worthless and I hate myself and everything around me basically. I withdraw myself and become paranoid of everyone around me. I’ve always been paranoid but people comment on my irrational thoughts and how I seem “out of it” and am just staring around the room. I get really cold with people, even those I love and would never want to hurt but it’s like I forget myself and don’t care about anything. I hate everything I liked and become pessimistic. I am very aggressive (another thing people comment on) and I start arguments for fun. I get very hot-headed, defensive and angry. I can go into blind rages when I just get so much energy that I have to take it out on things or myself (hurting myself). Small things trigger this, more so when I’m in a really irritable mood. I get really depressed and lose all of my motivation, so I’m just a shadow who can’t do personal hygiene because I don’t see the point. I’m just always living inside my head. I find it hard to concentrate and focus and make decisions whereas when I feel “high” I am so confident and sure of myself. I feel like nobody understands me or my way of thinking and they’re talking about me behind my back and are doing things to hurt me.

When I’m not in these periods I’m enthusiastic, eccentric, loud, optimistic and high basically. I can have loads to say and will stumble over my words a lot. It’s like there’s a TV on inside my head and I can’t stop thinking. I don’t need sleep (whereas when I’m depressed I can sleep for ages and still feel tired) and just have LOADS of energy. I end up having to exercise multiple times a day (I burn off a lot of weight doing this) because I can’t sit still. Either way I feel trapped; when I’m depressed because I’m stuck in this deep dark hole and when I’m euphoric because I feel like nobody can keep up with me. They see me as annoying in periods like this. I have psychosis also so I have delusions and hallucinations.

These moods cycle; sometimes I can go days, weeks or months with feeling depressed and then suddenly I’ll get “bursts” or euphoria where I’m unstoppable and determined. These can last days and weeks too, but with periods of aggression and agitation. Then I’ll crash and it’ll start again.

By the way (and because my doctor asks me this) I have never done drugs or alcohol.

Am I just a bad person? I feel like I have no control over any of it and it worries me. I just want to be normal.

I suggest that you see a psychiatrist and then a therapist. You are not a bad person at all. You can't be helped for thinking and feeling the way you do. See if your parents will make an appointment for you to see a psychatrist. He can help you out tremendously. He can also refer you to a therapist. Hope only good comes to you.

I'm NO DOCTOR so I cannot diagnose, but it sounds more like BiPolar to me. You have excessive lows, and then intense highs -- so like I said, it just sounds like BiPOlar to me.

You need to have your doctor refer you to a good therapist -- either a psychologist or psychiatrist. Personally, I prefer psychologists because they tend to give more INPUT whereas my experience with psychiatrists is they grunt alot, and don't say anything. I've NEVER gotten any input from a psychiatrist. So what good are they? The last psychologist I saw was AWESOME and she and I "clicked" -- that's the key. You have to "click" with your therapist. If you can't relate to him/her then your sessions aren't going to be worth a darn. But she and I got along great and she's the one that got me back on my feet and back to "normal" (whatever that is).

I wish you the very best. I hope you do see a good therapist! Let us know how things go and give us an update when you can. God bless and take care. Hugs, Lee