too overloaded

I don't even know how to start this post. Like the title says, I am "too overloaded'. I don't seem to have much time left over from all the things I have to do. I sat down & looked at my finances & realized that I only have a few months of money left to work with. I have had such a hard time getting my Mothers home packed up & ready for sale (am still working on the last of that). I was trying to get it all done by June 1, but with the horrible feelings I get when there, it is taking way to long to get through it all. Going through a parents home is usually hard after they die, but while doing that it seems to keep my bad feelings for my mother going. I just can't seem to let go of my anger at my Mother for what she ended up putting me through.

On top of that, I have my own home to pack up & get ready for sale.......this is where I have to figure out how to keep the payments going until we can get out of here. The worse part of my own home is that is seems like a disaster went through the home & I can't even figure out where to start here. It's like the walls are holding in a huge mess which it just about ready to explode......(guess that would be a good way to get rid of all the junk).

To top that, I have to deal with the contractor (my across the street neighbor) that started doing work around our home. I have been fighting with him this whole year to get the work finished & to pay us back the money we overpayed him. I let my husband try to take care of the problem (he is always nicer than I am), but now 5 months later, I finally put an ultimatum out to him that if we didn't sit down & discuss, get a schedule for finishing up the work & get paid back, I am going to file a case with small claims court. I finally got a call back from him with nothing but excuses, excuses, excuses. I told him to save his excuses & just set up a time to get together.....I want the work done or my money back for the things that he procrastinated too long at doing. I am so angry at him & that stress on top of everything else....I am so overloaded.

I know my psychologist & pdoc always say to just concentrate on one thing at a time because I just cant handle more than that, but unfortunately, time doesn't allow for that which really makes it tough. It seems like the stress causes me to run on adreneline. I end up going for 3 days without sleep (I don't take the seroquel because then I would sleep & not get anything done). Unfortunately, I end up crashing then, taking my med & then sleep for over a day. Then I feel guilty because I don't get anything done when I sleep.....ah yes, the "catch 22". Unfortunately when I get stressed like this, my nausea hits again & then hits the weight loss. Even when I can eat, I end up loosing weight when I am running on adreneline.....seems to up my metabolism which burns off what food I do eat.

In the back of my mind sits the where am I going to move to.......I know I have to figure out that soon & start looking......but I think I am going to end up in Kentucky (around the Lexington area). It seems like I can get my ranch property there, making my money go much farther than almost any other location. At least I am moving away from California. Then I realize how hard it is going to be moving my horses across the US.....a very time consuming problem along with the fact that I don't have a truck or horse trailer to do it with & don't know where the money is going to come from to even make the move.

Of course the rest of the stress is that of leaving the Dr's I have here. I don't think I will ever be able to fine a pain specialist like the one I have here. They have my migraines under control with the Fentynal patches & finding another Dr willing to prescribe that level of pain meds will be almost impossible. Of course, leaving my pdoc & psychologist is also a very huge stress. I know that thinking about this is adding to my stress level, but unfortunately, it is the reality of my move. To top this off, my prescription insurance has already arrived at the point where I have pay full amount for the next 3 months before they will kick in paying again......just another added stress

As far as the divorce goes, I really thought that I was going to start it back up a few weeks ago.....my husband has continually been making life even worse that is already is.....but for some reason after we had a huge fight, he started making some changes that are really working??????? I have no idea why or even how.....& am afraid to even question it....don't want to jinx whatever is going on.

Unfortunately, I feel guilty when I take time away from my packing.....haven't even ridden my horse for over 2 months. I know that exercise would probably help alot......unfortunately, my guilt for not constantly working on what I need to get done makes me feel so bad, I dont think that anything can really help that until I accomplish what I really need to do. That feeling also is keeping me away from here too. I just don't feel like I can take time away from the things I need to do before my time runs out.

Once in a while, I will probably try to take a short break to poke my nose into here. I feel like I am so out of it here that I have lost track of almost everyone here.

Take care all,
Debbie

(((((eskie)))))

LoVe,
Rhapsody -

It really does sound very overwhelming. I hope you find some relief throughout this, even if it is just to ride your horse.

Sending you strength

{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{Debbie}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}} I feel overwhelmed just trying to read!

Please find time to take care of YOU!

(((((((((((((( eskie )))))))))))))))

Eskie -

Saying prayers for supernatural strength for you at this difficult time.

I think the move to Lexington, KY, makes sense. Leaving doctors you know and count on, is always difficult. In my rural town, I found a lady doctor, who I just started to see about three months ago. She is such a wonderful doctor -- maybe the best I've had yet.

Stop in as you are able. We're here to listen and support. Wished some of us lived closer so we could come and help you pack.

Hugs,

EJ

(((((((((Debbie)))))))))))) Tough stuff to deal with, best wishes as you go through this.

Thank you all for your support & kind words. I got to a point where I just needed a short break......& short is all I can allow myself. It is so difficult trying to deal with the trauma I went through. My psychologist is working with me quite a bit......we went for 1 1/2 hours on my sunday session. I end up in tears every week trying to deal with the feelings my mother left me with towards her. It is hard to realize how much bad feelings I have toward my mother, & end up feeling guilty about how strongly those feelings still are. It had been hard to realize that I really hate her for what happened & feel that it was her fault because the consequences of her choices caused me to end up going through the ID theft & the trauma of being accused of abusing her with the police. When I am at her home cleaning it out or even when I am laying in bed trying to go to sleep, I keep getting the flashbacks of catching the RN on the phone trying to get a credit card as my Mother & then the phone line being cut....the fear I had of being in the home alone with her & not knowing what she would do next & then watching my mother after she had been OD'ed with the morphine....I see it just like it was happening over & over again. I keep wondering if I did it to myself because I felt it necessary to remember everything that happened in case the police were successful in catching the RN (which the DA threw out because of lack of evidence). I keep running over the experience hoping that something might click & be something that I missed telling them. On top of that, having no support in dealing with the fact that my Mother was really dying, no one would even tell me what was going on with here...it was only what I was observing & her Dr kept saying that "he got all the cancer".....up until 3 weeks before she died & tests showed that the cancer had spread to her lungs.....but no one told her or me what was happening. My psychologist suggested getting the Dr's notes on her appointments & go over them....then sit down with him & discuss why things were handled the way they were. The question of why my mother never once thought that she was dying of cancer made the end very difficult because the Dr's never told her that the cancer was there & that is was spreading.....I until the time when she couldn't talk anymore, she kept saying that her surgeon "saved her life". I am just having a real problem dealing with the way she died. Everyone around her thinks how gracefully she died, but they didn't see the real her. I was put into such a difficult position trying to keep the RN away from my Mother, not knowing what she might do to her.....then being blamed for over reacting by everyone around & that I was being cruel because I kept her boyfriend away from her because he was the neighbor of the RN & he daughter was the RN's best friend. Everything I did was wrong in the sight of all my Mothers friends.....I had to keep her church friends away from her also because her boyfriend belonged to her church. I was considered to be the bad guy & even my daughter was irritated (even though she kind of understood) because I didn't have the same big funeral that we had for my father. I had to keep is to the graveside funeral with only close friends & family....I had to plan the funeral from the hospital because I ended up so sick from the stress that I lost weight to the point of being anemic & having malnutrition. I still haven't recovered from the weight loss because my stress continues.

I don't know what I would do without my psychologist.....he is being really great, & helps me express alot of my feelings that I couldn't even talk about. He keeps telling me that with time, the flashbacks & nightmares will lessen, but it hasn't happened yet.

Like I said in my initial post, packing the houses is not at a critical point.....not having enough money to keep the house until it gets sold. I am trying to pull in all the money I have outstanding with people that owe me money....that may help me with 1 more month. I hate the position I am in because I am always the bad guy. My husband is doing guard work & the pay isn't much. He got a call to work over the holiday weekend. Those days were usually his days off & were the days when I could spend alot of extra time working on packing up my mothers home. I need him there with me....I just can't be there alone at all....& I do need his help getting all the boxes with junk in them so I can go through them. He got a call to work Sunday night & I didn't say anything about it.....but when he got a call to work the Monday, I lost it. I needed the time in the house without having to come home soon enough for him to go to work. When he is working he doesn't have any time to help me at all....on my mothers home nor with our own home. He works nights, then sleeps until about 5pm, then we take care of the horses, & drive down to my mothers home to take care of our dogs there & when he is working he ends up getting ready for work there & I can do whatever packing I can get done in that time......I get no help from him at all. I ended up blowing up on Monday & told him I needed the time at my Mothers home & when he works, I can't get enough done to get anywhere close to having the home put up for sale. As I was going off on the Monday situation, I realized that if I didn't have his full time help, we weren't going to be able to get our home packed up either & we would end up loosing it due to the fact that our money can't last more that a few months. His pay isn't enough to help keep the house.....he can barely pay his half of the utilities & no money towards the house payment. It hit me in the head that I needed his full time help to get everything done within the time limit & he wasn't making enough money working to help. I told him that he needed to think about the situation & that he needed to realize that if he quit work, he would be able to get the house packed up & not loose it, but if he continued working, & having no time to help pack up both homes, I can't do it by myself & am not getting anywhere the way we are going. I am always the bad guy & he got mad at me for saying what I thought. I kept trying to tell him that he needed to be thinking about the situation & he should be the one realizing what the solution should be....not just me. I ended up with such an anxiety attack I totally lost it. I decided to take a small dose of my seroquel, hoping it would help....no help at all. I ended up taking the dose I usually take at night & ended up knocking myself out. He tried to wake me up in the evening, but I was completely out. It ended up being a good thing that he had time for himself because after getting over being mad at me & going through all the possible options, he realized himself that he needed to quit his job & spend full time with me, packing up the houses. I was rather surprised that he realized on his own that what I said was right. I felt bad because I initially was going after just the day & while I was discussing that, it popped into my mind that it was his continued working that wasn't going to work out.

We also had a chance today to discuss & get settled with our neighbor, the contractor, all the work that he owed us along with the money we overpaid him. There were some arguments when he told me that work was done that hadn't been done.....but got him to realize that it wouldn't be in the condition it was now if he had done the work. I hate the stress of confronting someone about work that wasn't done.......my husband had tried several time to nicely tell him to set up a time to get together with us & resolve the situation. He kept ignoring my husbands requests.....then I left a message telling him that if he didn't get it resolved by June 1, I felt that the only way to reslove it then would be to file a case in small claims court. That got his attention & his action & we now have a date that everything will be finished by. We had over $3,000 of unfinished work with him, & he was continually giving excuses for not getting things finished. I had told him in January that he needed to call us up like everyother client. We don't do business with him just knocking at the door or giving him the key to our backyard. When I got his call responding to my final request to talk to him, he told me he tried to flag down my husband when he was in the front yard. I told him then that we had already made it clear that he had to call & not do business that way just because we were neighbors......I just want the work finished from last November.....that is how long it took him to get back to us...so you can imagine that I finally came to the end of my patience with him.

I still haven't done much research on finding a ranch to buy.....trying to pack up the huge mess in our own home is so time consuming I don't seem to find much time to do searches on the computer. There are so many things I need to have time for....I only get a few hours sleep everyday & seem to be runing on adreneline.....which doesn't help with my weight situation either.....stress always causes me to loose weight. I feel so guilty when I take time away from packing up everything.....then I end up working even harder trying to make up for lost time. When exhaustion kicks in, it doesn't leave me much choice other than to just crash & taking the seroquel knocks me out to the point where I am out for at least 8 hours which I really can't afford to do either.

I can't wait until it is all over, but even then, there will be tons of new stresses to deal with. I am tire of now & get exhausted just thinking about the future & trying to make sure I can get from this point A to point B......& I have to admit, I have a fear that I won't be able to bet to the point B (which isn't even defined yet). I have gone through many stressful times in my life, but this seems to be the worst of all.

Will try to get back here once in a while...I feel bad that I can't keep up with the things you all are going through right now....I am not used to having to focus so much on just my own situation.....but there is so much I have to deal with.....there is no relief for the overloaded feeling.

Thanks again,
Debbie

((((((((((ESKIELOVER)))))))))))))

((((((((((((( Deb )))))))))))))

Hugs,

Jan

Hang in there Deb, I am pulling for you.

(((((((((((((((((((((eskie)))))))))))))))))))))) That is way TOO much for any one person... do your best, and know you did your best for the situation.

I took a little time off to visit here & try to catch up on what you all are doing. I end up getting involved in packing & stay up for several days without sleep.....then I crash for several days. Tonight I just needed a short break from everything.

Saw my Pdoc today & we discussed the possibility of any treatment that might help me get through all the PTSD issues that I have been trying to work with my psychologist on. I asked him about hypnotherapy that his wife does & then the EMDR treatment. He told me that his wife doesn't take medicare. He knows that I only have enough money to keep going for a few more months & said that the stress of having to spend money would counter the good that the treatment might do. His comment was that the EMDR treatment would probably fall under the same situation of costing money. Luckily he takes medicare as full payment & so does my psychologist. The thing I am afraid of is that I am going to be moving way far away from where I live now & if I don't feel any better than now, I don't know how I will be able to cope with my life. His thoughts are that once I move & no longer have anything to do with my mothers house where the trauma happened, that I won't be bothered with it. I tried to explain to him that it isn't totally the house, but the anger/hate I have towards my mother for what her selfishness caused me to go through. I know, I know.....you have to let go of the hate & anger.........for some reason I just can't let go. The fact that she didn't let me be part of her cancer treatment & that she never was able to admit that she was dying (continually saying that her surgeon saved her life)......along with being forced into the situation where the RN was allowed into the situation.....I just can't forgive her for what I had to go through because of her. I keep procrastinating about trying to request her medical records & try to talk to the Dr about what was going on & to get more information from him about the type of cancer she had (a rare type of cancer). Part of me feels that that information might help me put it all into a better light.....I just can't seem to let it just go.

We added a litter of 3 puppies about 4 weeks ago. They are so cute & am enjoying them at this age. There is 1 little girl & 2 little boys. Our name for the girl is Lilly & one of the boys is bull dozer (dozer for short). They are just now getting their walking legs & it is so funny watching their little wiggle butts walk across the bathroom linolieum (sp?)....just a little slippery for those little wobbly legs. It's funny watching them pile out of the crate.....usually take a nose dive & then do a summersault. Mom is doing much better with this litter than she did with the Tammy litter. Just what I needed at this point, but have to admit...I really love them. My psychologist had to have his dog put to sleep earlier this year & is interested it getting one of the pups. I used to take my eskies with me & he really loved them. His wife is agains it, but will see in the long run. The little boy (Dozer) is so cute...when I walk up to the gate across the door, he rolls out of the crate & heads for the gate to say hi. When I go to the bathroom, he heads over to the toilet & sits there pawing in the air at me. It is fascinatint to watch how each puppy is so different in their relation with me. I am so enjoying them but will make sure that each one has a great home.

Guess it is time to get back to trying to accomplish something. I worked hard for several days without sleeping, & crashed for a couple of days....now I am back to the adrenelin taking over again. It is like being on a rollercoaster......but when I am getting something accomplished, I keep at it until I can't do anymore. I figure I need to take advantage of my energy when I have it......just can't seem to figure out how to pace myself.

Hope you all are doing ok. It's hard to keep up with you all....we all have so much going on in our lives.

Debbie

((((((((Debbie))))))))) I certainly understand some of your issues...especially feeling so overwhelmed. Please stay in touch here and know that you have a new friend here as I don't believe you and I have met as yet... take care and at least go and talk with your horse a little maybe that might help you settle down. Take care, Linda