[LymaBeane]

My daughter is 36 years old. I have noticed lately that she is very angry and wants everyone to leave her alone. She is the type that thinks she doesn't do anything wrong and never apologizes. She is not humble nor will she ask for help. She has way too much pride to ask for anything. Throughout the years I have helped her and my grandchildren but I always offered it. Her and I had a fallen out a few months back. She always talks disrespectful of me. And a few weeks ago, I wanted to make peace so I apologized via email for some things. She replied by email that she accepted the apology but went on to tell me "you did this and this...." the very things I apologized for; it was a long lengthy email about how she is cutting people out of her life and so forth because she has no time. She did not in any way apologize for anything on her side. She never does and always maintains (and has done this for years) that she has never done anything wrong.

My oldest granddaughter put it this way once, she said "Grandma we have to just let her be right" and my son-in-law concurred.

Regarding in her email that she is cutting out the "yo yo" people which includes her husband and mother-in-law, I find that very sad. Her marriage has about collapsed as well. And that her and I could never be the way we once were. But that I can see my grand-kids anytime. But when I make plans, she says "maybe another time, today isn't good"; I haven't seen them in almost 2 months. Prior to this I saw them each Saturday and babysat a lot. After the falling out I decided not to do anything for her unless she asked. Well she won't do that. She has too much pride. She has always been that way. I didn't raise her to be that way. Humility is not something she has within her.

I have never thought this before but I wonder if she is having some kind of emotional breakdown or mental illness. She would never own up to it because that would make her like me. I have OCD, Depression, Anxiety, ADHD but I am on medication for all of these and am seeing a doctor. I had to raise her by myself when I didn't know I was this sick. I feel badly about that but she always had my love, support, care and a roof over her head and food/clothes and I did the best I could. I have apologized for being a whack job of a mother (I was only 19 when I gave birth). But I am thinking something is wrong. I have a grandson with autism and she is totally immersed in the autism community to the point to where everything else suffers. Her marriage and the other 2 grandchildren. The oldest is the mini mom to the younger two as well.

Regarding falling outs, we have had many through the years but this time was worse because I told her in so many ways that her loving my grandson who has autism to the exclusion of other obligations wasn't healthy. She wants him to recover so bad. He is 7 now. He may not recover and he is a beautiful boy. But she won't give up and it's always about him. I love him too but I also love the other 2 as she does too, but they get left out of a lot of things. Especially the 4 year old. Last time I saw her she still wasn't potty trained and about to start preschool.

Even though I had apologized to my daughter, she isn't the same, something is wrong. I want to tell her to get help but am afraid that would push her further away. She says that since my estrangement with her and her mother-in-law as well that she has had more peace and felt ganged up on before. I don't feel we did that. My oldest granddaughter is being a "yes person" to her to keep the piece and is slowly turning in to her as well.

I know she has had it tough but we were all there for her and she just pushes us all away. She accused one of my friends of saying something unkind about my granddaughter but instead of asking her she texted me and said how she is cutting off this friend without asking her first. When my friend called her to clarify this wasn't true, she wouldn't even come to the phone. This was cleared up finally but my daughter still won't speak to this friend who was like a second mother to her in the 80s and 90s.

In her pain she is hurting other people. I want to help but all I can do is stay away the way she wants. How do you help someone like that?

Thanks for listening....

[Leed]

Is there ANY way possible you could talk her into "family counseling with you. I know it might be difficult but I was hoping that she might want to repair the relationship she has with you, and going to therapy along with you would be a good way for a therapist to get a good "look" at her, and perhaps HE could get her to come to individual sessions with him. At the same time, he could work on the both of you to repair what is going on between you. I know most of it has to do with what is going on with HER, but he might have some ideas. She sounds like a very strong-willed woman at the present, and I just don't know how you're going to get her to go right now.

It certainly does sound like she's got something going on, as most people don't want to push everyone away -- whether she's severely depressed, it could be.

But unless she agrees to some counseling I don't know what you're going to do! I hope some others here have some ideas because I don't seem to be able to come up with any. With any luck, they'll chime in -- God bless and please take care. Hugs, Lee

[LucyG]

I'm very sorry you're going through all this. It sounds like a total nightmare.

It sounds like she may have some sort of personality disorder as much as an illness. You might research borderline personality disorder and see if that sounds like her. If it does, at least you could get some pointers on how to deal with her in order to keep the peace as much as possible.

[LymaBeane]

Originally Posted by Leed

Is there ANY way possible you could talk her into "family counseling with you. I know it might be difficult but I was hoping that she might want to repair the relationship she has with you, and going to therapy along with you would be a good way for a therapist to get a good "look" at her, and perhaps HE could get her to come to individual sessions with him. At the same time, he could work on the both of you to repair what is going on between you. I know most of it has to do with what is going on with HER, but he might have some ideas. She sounds like a very strong-willed woman at the present, and I just don't know how you're going to get her to go right now.

It certainly does sound like she's got something going on, as most people don't want to push everyone away -- whether she's severely depressed, it could be.

But unless she agrees to some counseling I don't know what you're going to do! I hope some others here have some ideas because I don't seem to be able to come up with any. With any luck, they'll chime in -- God bless and please take care. Hugs, Lee

I have asked her in the past to get marriage counseling for her and her husband. She wasn't willing to do that. Not sure if she would agree to it with me. Unless I try to make myself the heavy here and ask her so that "I can" work it out to get along with "her". I was thinking BPD but then NPD too because she won't ever and has never apologized or acknowledged any wrong doing. Guess I should have wondered that years ago. But she is so good at making me out to be the mental case. And I am but I realize NOT the only one here. Seems she deals with friends to get out of them stuff without asking for things. I can't quite put my finger on that one but I have wondered that for a long time. I am an internalizer in that I self injure but she lashes out at everyone. I feel for the kids in hearing it especially when she and my son-in-law fight. You might be on to an answer. Maybe family counseling would be good even if it's made out to be all my fault. Just so the therapist can see my daughter in action. But I can tell you for sure, she does not think she has the problem. It's all of us that do. Thanks

[Hellion]

Are you sure its pride and she is not afraid to ask for help?...it could be miscommunication on both sides