[MandiePoo]

So, I have been meaning to do this forever but I am literally so busy lately that I am lucky if I have time to sneeze

Not sure how many of you know where I came from - some of you may not know me, and may be new, so here's where I was in 2006.

All of my life I have experienced mental health problems. However, around 2004 I was experiencing what is still to this day the worst breakdown I have ever had. I like to quote Lana Del Rey - "I was in the winter of my life." I was more or less on my own at 17, living on the street after being bounced around foster homes and group homes.

In 2005, I tried to start grappling with my issues of abuse in my past. And I think that in part, as well as the fact that I was doing drugs at the time, it pushed an inherent problem over the edge. I was splitting into "personalities" (originally, it was suggested I had DID; this has been suggested recently to more accurately be a form of splitting related to borderline personality - to me, the explanation doesn't matter. more on this later) I was regressing severely. I was hospitalized and cutting and just a general walking disaster. I was seeking love in all of the wrong places, and continuing abuse because of it.

Things got worse and worse, I overdosed twice - once on cocaine, once on "ecstacy" pills. I am clean now (more on this later too) but as much as I know drugs are not the answer - in many ways they kept me alive, kept me from going over the edge. Now, I try to honor them in a sense that they were once a coping mechanism I badly needed, but they are no longer appropriate for me. Not necessarily a popular idea, but it is how I see it.

The overdoses calmed me down for about 1 month each time, tops. I went back to it.

Then I very suddenly got pregnant with my son. I quit everything on the spot EXCEPT for smoking cigarettes - which I drastically cut back on, and then quit eventually Everything seemed so wonderful while I was pregnant AFTER I left my horrible ex at the time and moved home with my mother - but things did degrade slowly. My mother has very severe mental health issues (not biological mother) that we beleive are related to the fact that she had menengitis 8x as a child and young woman - due to a hole in her inner ear leading to the brain. They eventually closed it, but we beleive that she has brain trauma due to it. She is also extremely quick to anger and irrational and can be very difficult to deal with....so it wasn't easy but I was still doing ok.

I had my baby, and things continued on well for the first two months. Suddenly, one morning, I woke up and couldn't move without fairly severe pain. The doctors first thought I had RA, then later diagnosed me as having Fibromyalgia. I was put on painkillers, percocet - and I actually did pretty ok on them - can't lie, I abused them occasionally when I was alone without my son, but for the most part I did well.

But it didn't last long, because I got sicker and sicker. My mother was having a breakdown, and my calling the police resulted in a visit from child services. That turned out fine, they visited and left. I started showing outward signs of exhaustion all the time, dropping the ball in areas that were becoming a problem - I just couldn't care for this baby on my own and clean the house and care for my mom and everything else. I started to break down again and was put back on meds, but a family member felt I wasn't able to care for my child (and looking back, I don't think I was either. I DO NOT feel this is indicative of my lack of love; I have a long standing issue with the fact that I was offered no real help when child services came - even when they knew i had a disability) and he was placed into foster care. I started to slip more - I think perhaps he had been my reason to stay clean and well.

Then I broke my leg in four places. (well, ankle really). Shortly before this i had started to date someone locally who later turned out to be a junkie and a con. When I broke my leg, I was left laid up in my house alone most of the day with dilaudid - I'm sure you see where this is going. I ended up on IV drugs, shooting dilaudid all the time, and got sicker and sicker.

Fast forward about six months, I lost my apartment because I lost the extra money for my child from disability/welfare. I was forced to move in with my ex(the junkie). This is where things really went crazy. I was using up to 90mg of dilaudid a day at points. I was sick. I went to rehab - on the very first day, my ex threw my cat who was like my surrogate kid to me outside I came through rehab ok, and moved home to my moms. I stayed clean exactly 1 day because frankly all rehab had done is get me clean - I wasn't required to do any counselling or anything at all. Just medical detox - so I didn't really tackle anything.

I left my moms, and moved in with a friend farther down the province. Things were ok - I was using, but I was making a secret effort to cut back - and I did for a while! A couple of times I even stayed off dilaudid for a week or so....It never lasted though. Months later, I slipped badly and ended up withdrawing so bad I ended up in the ER. Friend obviously asked me to leave - and I TOTALLY understand why she did this - she had kids, she had to protect them even though I wasn't a direct harm ( always kept everything locked up and out of reach). I, at that time, had started seeing someone locally and moved back to the city with her - big mistake I think. Things were never *good* with us, and I'm not sure they ever would have been as we just weren't well suited.

I tried to go back to rehab, I was refused - but at this point, I was OFF IV. I was taking codeine for maintenance with the supervision of my doctor and was slipping a bit but doing much better. As time went on, I made progress with cutting back. Eventually I broke up with my partner, and lived on my own (but in a shared residence with others - my own room though) for several months. I had only 1 dilaudid slip the entire time

Months down the road, I'm not sure how many - I met a new girl who I knew from my far past. (I'm still with her, very happily, today ) We started dating, but it was different because we didn't move in together until much later. We spent about six months just dating, though i did spend a lot of time with her at her house Eventually, for monetary reasons mostly, we realized it made more sense for me to move in to her house which she owned than pay out 500 a month for rent - and I would have my own room too

Things were, I will admit, kind of rough as we got used to living with each other but we always talked things through and sometimes would have passionate "hollering matches" lol - but always talked afterward. We both just happen to be very loud people But we recognize that, and it is through her that I've discovered how to be angry - and that it is ok to be angry and the world won't end.

throughout this time I had remained on disability. I decided to start writing again, which I did - and started getting jobs online through a freelance site. I began building up a portfolio, and suddenly I had dreams again - it was like working showed me my life was not over due to my disability, it just had to be achieved differently.

Cue a lot of long, hard hours working from home and about six months later, I was scouted by a company two provinces over to be their copywriter, manager, designer, etc...basically, I did what needed to be done - but it paid a decent rate The CEO and I developed a fantastic friendship, and he has become a mentor to me in daily life and career issues. I was very skeptical at first of his generous offers (like buying me a brand new computer when mine died) and expected there was a catch - but he is truly simply a generous man and a kind man. I think this shocked me as part of me believed such a thing may not exist.

Fast forward to now, and I have already gained much experience and knowledge. I'm doing courses regularly from home; which he is assisting me with covering costs for. I'm working on a pretty regular basis, but am given the flexibility to take time off on the spot in almost all situations. This means if I start to hurt, I can say "I need 12 hours off right now" and do it. I make my own schedule, and my job is more task-focused than hour-focused. I do try to be available when the team under me (I have a team under me!) is online at least briefly - so that I can help them to do their jobs well too.

And now, the plan is to continue working for him, upgrading my education, and perhaps eventually be making enough to truly ENJOY The rest of my life in comfort - maybe not millionaire, but I'll take comfortable and able to enjoy the world through some travel I still live with my girlfriend, and I really expect that won't change any time soon - it is the first relationship I've truly had where I am free to be myself and talk things through free of guilt (though of course, we both have our days). She plans to go into agriculture some day - and, should we remain together, so do I - I will probably attempt a rescue farm if possible. I would also continue to work, but by then should be in a position with much more flexibility and a higher rate.

So, for those of you who may have wondered about me or how I was doing - I offer this:

I'm on my way.

Sending all of my love to all of you. I consider me to be a "partial success story." And a work in progress

good luck, mandy.

i hope everything you are aiming for works out for you eventually

[eskielover]

Good to hear from you.....have been wondering how you are doing & where life was leading you.

Glad you found a mentor on your work & daily life & also someone who can care in an unconditional way without placing expectations on the nice things done.....most people are like that....but when you only find ones that aren't....it definitely creates a different picture in one's life.

Glad you are also continuing with learning new things & expanding on what you know......growth is so important for future goals in life.

Best wishes & keep us informed on how you are doing