[ex_cession]

basically, i have no idea if i have any sort of mental problem. i may just be struggling to accept my own personality. by no means do i want to insult people with real, prescribed mental health issues by suggesting i have a disorder of any type or self-diagnosing. my problems really arent that serious, i just wanted to get an opinion from someone who knows. the bottom line is, im not happy about myself and im going to list the reasons why.

if its relevant, im male, 25, i have a manual job, i do lots of exercise, and as far as anyone knows im completely healthy. nobody has ever suggested to my face that i may have a mental problem. although when asked, my oldest and most brutally honest friend told me that my brain doesnt work properly. but he said that from what he could tell, it wasnt an issue for concern.

so here goes:

- i have low self esteem.

this is pretty simple. its kind of a combination of all the other issues. basically, i have no knowledge of any aspect of my personality that contributes to me being a valuable social element. as such, while i am aware that some people enjoy my company, i have no idea why.

- i have no understanding of social subtext.

this is difficult to describe. i think it has something to do with the fact that i am such a good writer. nobody had to teach me to write, even from very young, i just had an instinct for how to articulate on paper. i can remember successfully utilising fairly complex literary concepts before anyone explained to me what they were or how to use them.
i see it like this. humans use several different media to converse with one another; words, tone of voice, body language, eye contact, physical proximity, etc. it is as if my mind can only communicate on one medium, words, and is not receptive to any of the others. i see this as a kind of explanation as to why i am good at writing. it is as if i have been given extra ability in that medium in order to make up for complete lack of receptivity to the others.

- no desire for human company or interaction.

i realised a few years ago that i have never once felt lonely. the company of other people, in itself, has never had any effect, positive or negative, on my demeanour. although i feel empathy for people, and dont want harm to come to them, i have no emotional connection with them. plenty of people like me, but i cant seem to manifest reciprocal emotions in myself. its as if all humans have equal value to me. i recently watched an elderly relative die - a person that had a large contribution to my upbringing - and felt guilty that i didnt experience any profound emotional impact.
i think all the issues i am listing here have contributed to the fact that i have only had one sexual relationship, that started when i was 16 and lasted about 2 years. the girl in question always maintained that she cared more about me than i did her, and i secretly suspected it was impossible for me to reproduce her emotions in myself. i dont know why.
i recently started searching for a relationship online, but gave up when i realised that this search was driven purely by my desire for sex.

- inability to coherently explain circumstantial concepts

people often complain that they have to ask me dozens of questions in order to get a coherent explanation of what i had been doing the day before, and why. after answering their final question, they often ask me why i didnt just tell them that to start with. i cant seem to understand what it is they want to know or why they want to know it.
i may be wrong about this, i feel that it is in some way connected to my attitude towards 'comprehension' questions at school. in case youre not familiar with this exercise, it involves reading a body of text, and then answering questions relative to the text with a full sentence. for example, if the question was "what colour was the dogs fur?", the answer would be "the dogs fur was brown". although the answers were always obvious to me, the concept that i had to write a full sentence instead of just answering "brown" seemed ridiculous and filled me with unjustifiable anger. i flatly refused to do it.

- i have what i describe myself as 'procedural OCD'

i believe this aspect of my personality goes some way towards compensating for my lack of abilities in other areas. i find it ironic that i am an incredibly messy person, but, to use a generic example, if i assemble a group of components in any other order but that which is recommended, i would feel an unquestionable need to disassemble the entire object and start from scratch. in fact, i would consider throwing said components away and buying new ones. basically, i find it unbearable to deviate from correct procedure.
to give another example, i have moral rules and opinions about politics, but i feel that rather than having developed them as a response to my position or any instinctual sense of right or wrong, i have simply considered the circumstances of humanity, understood the concept of political ideals and simply devised the most efficient method of reaching such goals.

- inability to make or hold conversation.

i dont go by the usual excuse that my life is boring and i have nothing to talk about. i have had a rich and varied life so far and i have watched people with far less subject matter to work with hold the attention of a group of people for hours. i simply cannot understand the ebb and flow of conversation. there are situation where i am aware that i should be talking, but my mind is blank. i used to frantically search my mind for things to say, and always come up with nothing. back when i used to try and join in, peoples reactions would often be that:
i killed the mood
the subject i have chosen does not make sense
they do not understand why i have an opinion about the subject i have chosen
what i am talking about has no relation whatsoever to the current conversation
they are bored of the subject and i wont let it go
etcetera. thats all i can think of at the moment. eventually i gave up trying to start or join a conversation. unless specifically prompted, and even then i will generally contribute the minimum that i think is required.
also, in at least one in four verbal exchanges, my mind stops and i immediately forget everything that i was just talking about. it takes me at least half a minute to remember if left to do it myself. sometimes i can never remember.

- anxiety in the presence of strangers, especially women.

i understand that this is a common problem. the only reasons that it is here are firstly because it is a strong and debilitating feeling, secondly because i have always thought that it does not fit with the rest of my personality, and thirdly because it does not seem to stem from a fear of my own safety.
i think it stems instead from the fact that when i am with other people, certain behaviour is required of me and i am unwilling and unable to provide it. it feels like i am in an exam for a subject i know nothing about. the only reason i feel comfortable with my closest friends is because they seem to accommodate me and dont expect me to behave normally.

- eye contact makes me uncomfortable

the only time i ever look anyone in the eye is when i think someone is looking at me, and i check to see if they are. i never look at people during conversation. in fact the concept did not even cross my mind until a friend told me that she knew i had a big problem with it a few years ago. i then started to realise that other people look at each others eyes quite a lot. i tried it, and it made me feel uncomfortable, so i still dont do it.

- i am very gullible

i cannot tell when people are lying to me, unless it is obvious to the point that what they are telling me does not make sense. otherwise, the possibility simply does not occur to me. it took me until i was around 21 to understand that if someone makes fun of me, it does not necessarily mean that they dont like me.

- inability to cope with embarrassment

when my actions or someone elses make me look like a fool, i find it unbearable. in these situations, i am prone to angry outbursts, extreme anxiety, and most of the time i dont contact anyone who is aware of the situation for many weeks afterwards. where i deem appropriate, i fall out of contact with those involved altogether and tend to avoid areas where these events took place.

- unless i make a conscious effort to sit still, or i am leaning my back on something, i rock back and forth. my 'wavelength', if you can call it that, is about three inches. people often joke that i look like a mental patient.

thats all the stuff that i dont like. here are a few of the things that i do like, but seem abnormal to me. maybe some of them will be relevant:

- i talk to myself prolifically.

i almost put this in the first section, but i have decided that even if it is abnormal, or some sort of unhealthy addiction, i dont want to stop doing it.
every minute i spend alone is spent talking to myself. i have done this since i have been able to talk. i think it may be the reason that i dont feel the desire to converse with other people. im sure people hear me more often than i am aware, and occasionally i get caught outright, and although i feel the need to keep it secret, i dont feel particularly embarrassed about it either. i love doing it.
when i was younger, i used to act out elaborate fantasies that i had conceived, of which i was always the hero. i suppose thats normal. now i use it more as a rehearsal for any conversation i may get into in the future, and often to describe a past event which i think portrayed me in a bad light, in a way that explains my actions. i suppose i do that just in case anyone asks.

- i have incredible willpower.

i hesitate to use the word willpower because it suggests that there is some effort on my part. but that is exactly my point. things like quitting smoking or drinking, gaining or losing weight, exercising, and anything else that seems to require huge amounts of willpower for other people are so easy to me as to require no mental effort at all. i usually cant even explain why i am doing these things. i smoked 50 grams of rolling tobacco a week for around 5 years, then i quit. i honestly dont know why i started or why i quit. i felt physical and mental withdrawal symptoms and neither bothered me. people often ask me how i am able to do these things and i cant tell them.

- i sleep like a baby.

i can sleep anywhere. nothing wakes me up. people have slapped me and screamed in my ear to no avail. although apparently i do sleepwalk occasionally, and when i do, i try to get outside. if someone sees me, i act guilty and try to hide what i was doing.

- i can go without food for as long as i like.

even after it becomes physically painful. the only reason i eventually eat is because i dont have enough energy to do something that i want to do, or i think someone will suspect that i have some sort of eating disorder and start interfering.
its not that i dont enjoy food. i am completely indifferent to food. i neither like nor dislike it. if anything, i sometimes find it irritating that my stomach keeps emptying itself and i have to keep preparing more food for it. in a way i see it as wasted effort.

- i can sit still (apart from the rocking) for as long as i like

i do this mostly when i am upset. it cheers me up.
when i was about 14, after an argument with my mother, i climbed into my wardrobe with my duvet and sat underneath it without moving. i stayed there for about seven hours, then i went to bed. i can remember every single minute of it, but at the same time my mind was completely empty. to my memory, thats the longest i have ever done it for. years later, i was pleased to discover that zen buddhists spend their entire lives trying to do this. i know someone who studies zen and im thinking of taking it up as a hobby.

thats it, really.

i wrote this after a night out with my friends. i cant say there was anything different about this night than any other. i have just had the suspicion for a while that my personality is not fully in the spectrum of what could be described as normal, so i thought i would make an enquiry. and to be honest, writing it has made me feel a bit better about myself, so maybe there is really nothing wrong with me and i should just get a life. i would actually prefer it if this was the case.

tell me what you think.

[Lauru]

I just wanted to say that I have a 12 year old nephew that has almost all of the same problems as you. He is very intelligent, but he is just not right. His mind works differently. He is unable to fit in, make frineds, participate fully or coherently in a conversation. Frankly he prefers to be by himself and doesn't appear to need anybody, neither family nor friends. Our thought is that he may have Asperger's. We are trying to find a psychologist who can test him and see what is going on. I suggest, if at all possible that you find a good clinical psychologist with a Ph.D. to do some extensive testing of you. best of luck to you.

[-jimi-]

Some of that stuff I have and diagnosed with Asperger's. However, I feel it is a "normal" variant. We live in a culture where everyone needs to be outgoing and shallow, and people like myself just don't fit in. I refuse to pathologize many of my behaviors, because I'm supposed to be born like this.

[ex_cession]

interesting. ive just done a few online tests for aspergers and all of them told me i had it. although two said it was mild. i decided to cut the chase and emailed this entire list to a psychotherapist who operates in my area. lets see what she thinks.

It sounds like you are searching for yourself and place in the world.

Have you considered seeing a therapist for your self-esteem and anxiety problems?