I need help with something if you're willing to read a long post

Okay, so I'm not sure if what I'm going through is normal or not but I genuinely feel like I'm going insane at this point in my life. I've been living with my girlfriend (who says this is all just low self-esteem) for the past 5 months and we've going to school for our first semester. She has a job that was transferred and I haven't been able to get one yet. It was fine for the first couple months but at this point I have such a hard time committing myself to any task. Every time I get close to getting a job I never end up getting it and I end up trying even less. I find no interest in the classes I HAVE to take and really dislike my academic life. (even though I have plenty of academic interests). I feel totally dependent on my girlfriend and often find it difficult to make a decision or even be content without her. I complain to her all the time about my life but I never seem to do anything about it. I sit home when she leaves for work and pretty much zone out and get nervous about the idea of actually doing something. My life feels like its in a bubble right now and i'm at a total stall. Previously, I have always dealt with Pure O and social anxiety but at this point its changed. I guess you could say that I have been having panic attacks but I didn't realize what they were until my gf (who used to have them) told me what it was. I would start obsessing on my thoughts of becoming insane, isolated forever, schizophrenic etc. and before I knew it I would be trembling and crying. I feel pathetic. I cuddle up to her and truly feel like I am never going to come back from this attack and constantly ask for reassurance that this is normal and im not losing it. For days, I was on the verge of having another one and felt like everything was un-real or that I wasn’t actually part of my body and self-medicated myself until I visited with my family for Thanksgiving. It was a great, grounding experience and when we came back from Thanksgiving it was like we were on some magical honeymoon together. I promised myself I wouldn't let myself fall into that rut again but I have and spend my days looking up things about schizo symptoms and obsessing. I really want to make friends but I don’t know how if I don't live in a dorm. I talked with my mom and she has been a great support (she had similar issues when we lost my step-dad). I'm planning to visit my family once again for Xmas and once I return I plan to get serious about a job and stay positive. I am really sorry if this was hard to read! It’s just the first time I have really been able to talk about this so it is probably unclear at times. Thank You.

Welcome to Pc ..

Seems to me that you have a lot of things going on that need to be addressed .. Of course no one here can diagnosis you. You mentioned quite a few mental illness's in your post, Have you actually been diagnosed with a mental illness?

You should make an appt to see a psychiatrist. Or since you in college there is always services offered to students that will help you find the right help you need.

Life can get easier ... Be strong and reach out for help

I agree with the previous poster. You should speak with a professional and maybe you can get the insight you are looking for.

I agree with the others. If this is causing you so much distress go to talk to a professional. It sounds as if you in university. Most have free counseling services for students.

Hi, and welcome to PC, it sounds like you are just having "panic attacks" and you have not learned how to self sooth and calm down. It sounds like you are instead making them worse because they frighten you.

Please dear, don't try to diagnose yourself, that is scary. You could just be having anxiety challenges and to be honest, a lot of college students struggle with that.
The economy is tough right now so if you don't get a job, please don't stress or self blame or allow it to get you all stressed and "self defeated'.

Unfortunately, not all courses are going to be "interesting" so do your best to get through them, and you will get through them all eventually. Focus on relaxing and when you get feeling anxious make it a point to distract yourself, go for a walk or doodle for a while, even come to PC and read, try to find things though that are not stressing. Maybe check out the Games area.

Honestly you can learn to reduce the anxiety and get control over it instead of feeding into it. You are going to be ok, try to "not" project failure, keep moving forward and find a rythm that you can get used to.

(((Hugs and Relax)))
Open Eyes

Thank you. This made me feel a lot better. You're right, I think I might just be having anxiety issues and having little knowledge on dealing with them. It probably seems so messed up to me because I like obsess and convince myself of these horrible mental conditions and through myself into a anxiety attack, which are already scary enough. Anyways, I appreciate the input from all and at this point looking into a psychologist or counselor to just be able to talk to as well. Thanks!

Abusing substances is not the solution to your lack of motivation and disinterest in your studies. But it might be a contributing cause. Maybe your girlfriend can drive you to the doctor for a checkup. After that it might be better for you to live on your own, to help you develop some self-reliance.

I never abused anything. I took something for a day because it was extremely difficult without it. I had to leave for school and do many other things that day so it was just way from keeping me from losing it at that point. IMO wasn't really important in the whole scheme of things. Thanks for the input though. Also its not really an option to live on my own yet and I really don't see how any more isolation would help the situation honestly. Plus um I kinda care about her and wanna be with her. It'd be a pity to let my issues get in the way of that

tell her how you are feeling its not nice having anxiety and panic attacks,go see doctor,and if your girl feels strongly about you as you do her maybe you could work around it.i hope you get that help that you need,take care and look after yourself