[Ariam Sidd]

You will take your father’s place, as the bread earner of the family.” This was told to me by my mother when I was in sixth grade. Repetition of this statement confirmed my aim for the future, to become a mechanical engineer, just like my father. NED University was my target. I let my mom take control of my life and did everything accordingly.
The gradual change began in ninth grade. My isolation had just started and went on for 4 years. Books were my friends now; with no one to talk to, I now have no speaking and social skills. My hard work got paid alright, got very good grades. But my parents, in a sense of greediness for perfection, they wanted me to be a perfect model child, crystal clear and scratch less. Unfortunately, I’m none of that. But I still kept my aim and strived towards it. With each of my result being announced, I noticed my parents did not have much enthusiasm and happiness that I had hoped for. In my 2nd year papers, my only thoughts were, “If I get up and leave, no one will care.” but I had my aim to live for.
My prayers and hard work got me into NED University. One day, my inside shouted at me,”Is this you really wanted? All you did was follow orders, now what?” I looked around the class of 43 guys 2 girls, coming from a religious family; my parents were disappointed in me, for choosing petroleum as my field instead of CIS, the one for girls. Eventually, my life got miserable. Taunts from my mother were a part of my progressing depression. Life looked meaningless. I couldn’t find my future anymore.
Then one day, my mother urges me to take IBA’s test, since IBA graduates get jobs easily and get married soon. The irony of my life, I passed my test even though I didn’t prepare or study for it. Now, my life has become a joke, only understood by me. These changes left me quite insensitive and ungrateful. And IBA made my isolation, complete. Paying an enormous fees is a burden to them (my parents), but not paying my brothers’ expensive tuition fees. Life is now all about living in fantasy, as reality can shatter you. Not a day goes by when I feel that I’d wake up from this nightmare. Suicide was also in my mind, yet here I am writing about it.
Life is not a bed of roses, true. But when it’s all thorns and bushes, it makes you a person you never want to be. An introvert, insensitive, ungrateful and depressed person now sits in this world writing about it. Sometimes, inner peace is greater than basic needs.
Remarks by my teacher: I felt sad reading your essay. But believe me you’ll do very well in life. Just have faith in God and courage to live according to your convictions. I’m sure one day I’ll be talking to the CEO of a huge company!!

This made me feel pitied and I was disgusted with myself that I wrote this and showed it to her. why?

[lynn P.]

I've been quiet lately but felt compelled to answer your thread. Sorry you're struggling at the moment. I'm a parent of 2 girls 11 & 15 - in my opinion your parents, especially your mother loaded way too much pressure on you academically. Regarding this moment:

You will take your father’s place, as the bread earner of the family.”

This is wrong to load this on you as a child. Its not the childs job to be the bread winner for his/her family of origin. A parent should gently guide a child, not orchestrate their whole life. Maybe your mom should have been a bread winner too. Her statement and your parents pressure made you immerse yourself 100% as they dictated, which left you unbalanced in other areas. You should have been free to choose which area to study with some guidance from your parents. This is your life, not your mothers.

I looked around the class of 43 guys 2 girls, coming from a religious family; my parents were disappointed in me, for choosing petroleum as my field instead of CIS, the one for girls.

I'm assuming you're female and who says you can't choose a field that's dominated my men. Ever heard the term Helicopter Parent - this is when the parent is too controlling. When parents control a child/young adult too much, the child ends up being unable to make decisions properly or in your case....you wonder if you're really happy with your choices. I get they want you to be successful, but you also have to be happy with the choices.

You should consult with a school counselor or private therapist because you sound overwhelmed. Its time to attend to what you want and this might take some unraveling, since you've always been told what to do. When your mom said "you'll be the breadwinner", she handed you a huge burden on a silver platter and this was wrong. Its time to hand that back and make choices for you. Don't end your life over this and you can be successful for you not your parents. Best of luck.

[Open Eyes]

"This made me feel pitied and I was disgusted with myself that I wrote this and showed it to her. why?"
quote Ariam

You wrote this and showed it to someone because it has been "time" to finally let this out. However you chose the wrong person to express yourself with, she obviously missed your point.

The people who "failed" and should be "disgusted with themselves" are your parents.
Obviously they were "ignorant" about raising a "healthy and happy child". Anyone who knows about human nature, is people are at their best when they are given the "freedom to pursue what makes "them" happy".

A child will "believe" what a parent tells them, they pretty much are designed to be that way, it was wrong for your mother to say that to you, I agree with Lynn.

You have a choice, you can either spend the rest of your life now, disgusted with the wrong person, yourself, or you can spend some time finally deciding what would make "you" happy.

We do not spend our lives "making our parents happy" their happiness is up to them to find, their job is to tell you the same. Well, are you going to continue to pay attention to what some "dumb parent is telling you"? You are not stupid, the only thing you did was be a normal child and try to "please a parent and gain their respect, love, and permission for you to "thrive" and know that whatever you do, they will love you.

It sounds to me as if you are still "young enough" to finally realize that you need to break away and let loose and become whatever makes "you" happy. It is not your job to be the bread winner for anyone other than yourself, and whomever you decide to provide for, or agree to provide for.

You are not "alone" with this problem either, unfortunately parents can have a child without knowing how to actually "raise a healthy child". And because of that, there are lots of people who feel depressed and stuck like you do.

Time for you to make some changes for "you".

(((Hugs, and permission to do just that))))
Open Eyes

[Open Eyes]

I hope that what you take away from this is that when we try to "control" our life with a preconceived destiny whether it is by our choice or someone elses, we often end up being "overwhelmed and disappointed". Having some kind of "preconcieved" destination gives someone way too much time to consider all the ways they can "fail" and will even become more convinced of "failure and unhappiness" each time something doesn't "go as planned or an unexpected obstacle happens".

The "key ingredient" for "depression" and "anger and what you are feeling right now is, infact, "expectations". Anytime we place ourselves into a mindset of having "expectations" we are setting ourselves up for "huge disappointments" because the reality is, "none of us can "predict life". And the worst thing someone can even try attempt is "living up to the expectations of others". It is bad enough for a person to try to "live up to" their own expectations, but a sure fire trip to the pit of "gloom" is if someone dares to try to live up to the "expectations of others". We absoultely cannot humanly live upto the expectations of "other people". All you have to do is spend some time reading the constant troubling questions and confusion in the ongoing threads here at PC, to see that the "biggest" problem always boils down to "failed attempts to live up to an expectation". Life, is just plain miserable when someone travels down that road and unless that person lets go of that, they will keep on experiencing "depression and continue to question the value of life".

The healthiest thing you can do for yourself is to "let that go" and don't allow yourself to "grieve or feel guilty" about doing that at all. And as I mentioned, that teacher you shared your letter you have here for us with, clearly was ignorant of what I am explaining to you in my post here. And the key to knowing that is that all she handed you was "just another expectation".

If you want to see how "poisenous" expectation is, look at the "apple factory" in China, and the fact that they had to hang nets to prevent the increasing number of deaths resulting from workers getting so mentally ill from "expectation" that they jumped out of the windows. Those workers are confined to a daily routine of "expectations" and then they continue that even in their living quarters where they are "expected" to be fine with sleeping in a room full of other people, in bunk beds with no personal privacy.
And the constant message they alway have is "that they are expected to earn money that can be used for their families at home to survive with".

There is no pill that can be created that can cure the ills created by "expectation". At most, the only thing any pill can do is "possilby address the symptoms" that come from "the prison of expectations".

Open Eyes

[Ariam Sidd]

hello, please go through my brief introduction on psychcentral.com/showthread.php?t=260403
thank you.

[Perna]

It has to be difficult, living in a Pakistani life and the modernizing world at the same time. I hear your struggles with pleasing your parents as you were raised to do and now being in a personal quandary and not knowing how to get out. The old ways have broken down for you and you haven't learned new skills.

It's never too late. Can you join a club/group at IBA? Maybe you can find others in situations like yours and get ideas from what they are doing/have done while you make some friends and learn to communicate with your peers.

Did you attend enough at NED to get some hint you might like to work at a petroleum business; maybe you can find your own way to make it and your parents proud that way; combine the old and new, make your own synthesis that sparkles?

[Open Eyes]

(((Ariam))),

Ok, I read it, and unfortunately you have been fed some "bad subconscious" messages from an early age by your mother/father. This is actually "very common" because the majority of parents do not know how to raise a healthy child, and they often only give their own children "their problems" and "bad or disfunctional expectations". And some of this is because of the culture they themselves grow up in. And "all cultures" have this problem. I grew up in America, and my parents grew up in a generation that was a lot different than the generation I grew up in.

Remember, children have no option but to "believe" and "accept" the information their parents give them. Hense, we have so many people that end up struggling because of information they were fed and believed. And most people spend much of their lives "healing" from the "bad messages" their parents gave to them along with other people that seemed to "continue to confirm these negetive messages".

As a result of that, we have very busy therapists, tons of self help books, and the pharmasudical industry is a booming business. And not to mention we also have many physical illnesses caused from "stress" too.

Not only that but there is an endless supply of all kinds of "material things" that are advertized that with this "item we can better express that we have somehow achieved an important expectation".

Well, the only way you can finally get on a "better and healthier road" is to slowly learn how you have "accepted" these messages that are really "worthless" and then, slowly let these "unhelpful and self defeating" messages go. And you "can" actually accomplish this, it does take time, but it is definitely "worth the investment of your time".

The truth is, it doesn't matter if you have a birth mark on your face, or if you don't really want to be a certain kind of engineer or whatever expectations your "disfunctional" parents have told you to be. You can really "learn" to let go of the "crap" that people "think" are "good expectations" to have. The people that are happy and healthy, are infact the people that learn to let go and learn about themselves and life without thinking they "have to fit into some kind of "expectation"". The "truth" is that human beings are "all unique" and there is no way we can expect ourselves to be something that is anything different that what we are. We can dress up a dog to look like a cat, but the truth is, a dog is simply "not" a cat.

You can choose to decide that you are forever doomed because you (like so many others) believe in the messages you were fed by your parents. Or, you can see it for what it is, that alot of people have this problem, and that you can finally decide to let go of that and just be who you are, learn about things and try things with no real preset "expectation" and actually "live life" instead of constantly trying to "control it" or " fit into what others think it should be".

Just because there are so many messages that say "you gotta have this, you gotta have that and do this or that" doesn't mean those messages are right. Human beings have certain requirements in order to survive, but other than that, we are "all unique" and have certain genetic qualities, and the ability to learn and grow and develope and utilize the things that make each of us "unique".

All you really "gotta do" is slowly learn what turns you on as a unique human being, and that whatever it is doesn't harm yourself or others. I understand that you may live in a certain kind of "culture" that can be a challenge as Perna is pointing out. But, you "can" find ways to work around that problem. Perna is right, we are in a time where we "all" have access to different cultural ideas and technologies, so it can be a challenge as "some of the cultures" are "transitioning" to all of this. And no matter what culture we are in, we have to respect some of our cultural guidelines. But we can still learn to open ourselves up in healthier ways inspite of some of our cultural confines.

My suggestion is for you to try to consider some "personal" goals you can set that bring your path into something more "personal and individual" that you "have for yourself" in someway. The path to feeling "happier or healthier" is often in how we can see what is there and find ways to "make something about it that better fits our personal individuality. If you do that the "failing grades will turn upwards" as you start to consider your "own unique path" that can come out of what you are learning verses just continuing on a path of "the expectations of others".

Open Eyes

[Ariam Sidd]

My brother has trichotillomania. so they took him to a psychiatrist. the truth is, we all need one. my mom has hit me with a rod because I didn't want to eat dinner (or simpley becaused I disobeyed). she hit me with a belt because I hadn't learned my sudy material. my brothers are always fighting. threatening about breaking or stealing each other's things. then threatening to kill each other. they're 11 and 13 years old. my father doesn't usually sit with us. busy with office from 7 am to 8 pm. comes home only to eat and read news paper, then teaches my brothers and sleeps. me? everynight I cry, and talk to my friends. I'm cruel towards my brothers as they are to me. I believe in equality. I'm not rude to my parents, but my tone is always strict with them. If i dont pick up my clothes (dirty ones or not) she throws them on the floor. I told her how I wanted my clothes to be tailored, even in a normal way. she says to me, "no, you're wrong." I mean my design was not cheap or ugly looking, a normal formal wear, how can I be wrong in that? clearly my mother's saying has a lot of influence on me. her one word makes me feel like loser.

[Open Eyes]

Araim,

Ok, but what you are talking about is "temporary" too. If you allow yourself to do better in school for "you" then that is always a ticket to an out and more personal freedom.

I meet people that come to my country all the time, people from pakistan too, and they often come here and have a small business, and live in small homes, maybe even crowded homes, but they always seem very happy. And the reason for that is mainly because they now have a chance to be freer of some kind of "expectation".
They prize that most of all and as I mentioned, I always find them to be generally happy.

With an education, you can have more choices than you realize. You have a pathway out of the situation you are discribing too. You just don't see that "yet". I understand the "disfunction" you are discribing, but you don't have to allow yourself to keep accepting these bad messages, you have to deal with that for a time, but you "can" work your way out of that and onto your own life and space to do as "you" please.

Something to consider

[Ariam Sidd]

The problem is that I'm not really able to handle this. so many times I look up at my fan and think how will I hang myself, the fan won't come off?
one day I had two opened packets of silica gel beads on my table. did some research before eating them, turns out they don't kill you.

[Open Eyes]

(((Ariam))),

I understand you are angry right now, and when people have those thoughts they are so angry they think about it as a "revenge". In my opinion that kind of action only traps a person's soul in limbo and they never get to find out what they could have really done with their life. The better way to get "revenge" is to have your life be the way "you" want it to be.

Seriously, I know it seems like you are trapped with people who depress and anger you, but you "will" get to a point where you can "leave" that behind you and move on with your life and have your clothes and things the way you want them. You "are" at an age where there is always a "normal" urge to "leave the nest" and go out on your own. Believe me, thinking about ending your life, is the worst choice you can make to express anger and remove yourself from a situation that is really more temporary than you realize. As I said, I don't care what religion a person is, that is the worst choice someone can make, I really believe that it never brings any "real release" either.

You "mother" is just one person with one person's opinions, well, you do not have to have her opinions, but you do have to respect the fact that you are living in "her" home right now. And you "will" leave "her home and ideas and opinions etc, and have your "own" some day.

It is time to take the adreneline you have from the anger and put it into energizing you to make progress in school so you can break free in a way that will "energize and free your soul" instead.

Open Eyes