My Confusion :(

Why can't I accept my own normalcy? I hate it with a passion. The word "normal" has always translated to "utterly boring" to me, and I've never been able to accept it. And when I refer to normalcy I am mostly referring to mental and physical stability along with the typical life of a human. No matter what, I can't accept it, and I wonder why?

A few days ago I was talking to my friend and I showed her a description of a personality disorder (since recently we'd been talking about my random bursts of frustration and the fact that I feel overly awkward and uncomfortable in relationships). The disorder was Borderline Personality Disorder (sorry to those who have this disorder, I was just showing it to her, I am a psychology enthusiast a bit). She read the whole thing and told me it sounded exactly like me (minus the suicidal and self-injurious stuff). She went on to lecture me about me apparently having the disorder. I entertained the thought and considered it a great possibility. Now, I am telling this story because it goes along with the above mentioned topic of "normalcy." While I thought it very interesting the possibility, I threw it aside and grew even more bitter. As much as I hate accepting normalcy, I couldn't accept that possibility of the disorder.

Now I'm torn just a little bit more between normalcy and the, basically, abnormal. I'm torn between really caring about figuring myself out and throwing pretty much all emotions aside and not caring at all. I've given up on any potential romantic relationships (mine were always weak and seemed to suck anyways, so I figured "who cares, they're not that important"). My thoughts are getting a bit darker than usual, and I'm just confused.

Why can't I accept my own overly boring normalcy, yet I can't accept the seemingly abnormal (again, sorry, but I can't think of a better word than that).

Maybe you all can help me think things through a bit? I fear I can't talk to others due to the idea that they may think I'm being silly.

Thank you

I personally feel that the terms functional & dysfunctional are more fitting when dealing with things like what you are talking about & obviously there's a scale on each one of them that tips from one into the other.

When we can function normally with the environment that surrounds us then we don't have the struggles that we have when......obviously, dysfunctional means that we struggle to deal with our environment & it ends up effecting our quality of life. Many of the times when it comes to personality issues it's because we haven't learned the necessary skills that it takes to be functional & relate to the world around us which ends up making our life into a dysfunctional mess.

It's possible to learn those skills & work at changing our thoughts & reactions which are really only the set of neuropathways that our brain has developed through our reactions to situations growing up using what skills we had available to us......most of the time not ones that help us to be functional adults.

It's a little more complicated than that when we get the bio/social picture in there but in all reality, it's not about being normal or abnormal.....it's about having the skills necessary to be functional or not in our life & how much distress is causes us in life determines the level of dysfunctional we actually are.

That's my take on it especially after 2 years of group DBT (Dialectical Behavioral Therapy)

I've been people watching on and off since I was young. I wanted to be like them. I knew I was different then the adults and kids my age. I tried to be like them. I tried to be normal. When I tried to act like other people, I realized I was acting crazy or abnormal. That's when I realized there is no normal. Maybe there might be an average way to act but average is just a statistical thing. Which means that it doesn't actually exist. So really you just have to keep being yourself. The mind is like a computer. Over the span of one's life it creates it own program and the way it operates. You can change your programming at any time but it feels a lot better to just act yourself out.