[eskielover]

I don't have time to be exhausted or even sick......time is running out for getting everything packed......but all I feel like doing right now is laying under the covers & sleeping. I have been pushing myself quite a bit trying to pack up both homes. Last weekend, I was at my mothers home & was trying to go through stuff in the garage. I stood there sweating so bad the water was dripping off my nose & running down my arms & down my body. My cloths were like if I had been standing in the shower & were completely drenched. It was right after my psychologists appointment & needed to go out to dinner. I didn't bring any cloths to change into so ended up going out in my wet cloths. The air conditioner in the restaurant was quite cold & of course, I ended up sick within a couple of days.

Sore throat, hard time breathing, & then I just can't seem to regulate my body temp. I go from sweating to being chilled within a couple of minutes & this continues throughout the day. I was having problems with this before getting sick but now it is even worse. Then I started getting the cramps in my hands & feet again. It is really strange because when I am doing things, all of a sudden my fingers get a strange bend in them & won't move. My feet do the same thing but if I put gloves of socks on, they quit doing that. Go figure...doesn't sound like arthritis to me. I have had this problem for several years, but it has just gotten worse when I got sick.

I end up laying in bed, looking at all I have to do & just cry. I have been trying to push myself even while feeling horrible because I know that the clock is counting down. I have been trying to finish up the accounting for the trust & of course the credit union screwed up the information I asked for.....so here goes another try at getting the information I need. It seems like everything I try to do always has something go wrong with it.

I also decided to get the medical records for my mother from her surgeon & from the hospital. I need to understand what went on & whether it was my mother that was hiding her health information from me or whether the Dr's were hiding it from her. I am spending alot of time on the internet going through all the information on vulvar cancer & trying to get the meaning of the medical terms that are in the pages. I have almost 100 pages from her surgeon & am waiting to receive the ones from the hospital. I know that I went to her first appointment with her & she got mad at me because I had done research in order to ask questions & she told me that she didn't want me there with her from then on because I took away the attention from her & that her Dr would tell her what she needed to know. Looking back, that was my first mistake......I shouldn't have let her get away with that....& I shouldn't have let her push me away. It seems like she didn't understand what she was told.....but it also seems like he wasn't telling her the truth about what was going on either. They kept telling her what a good patient she was & at the end, he told me how uncooperative of a patient she was. He was right....she didn't pay attention to what was going on with the drain & she also refused to use the special stockings to control the lymphedema because it was too hot & the fluid was coming out of her skin & she didn't want the stockings getting wet from the lymph fluid.....because her Dr didn't say that "she had to wear them", she took it as her choice to use them or not. I have written down a whole bunch of questions already to ask him when I finally go through everything. I need some way of getting some finalization on the situation since I was left out of it when it was happening.....whether it was her or her Dr's....I still need to sort out. Right now, I hate her for what she did & what I went through because she chose to act the way she did. I think the Dr's thought I didn't care about her because it was her boyfriend that always went with her to her appointments.....but it was her that didn't want me there. I can't get through my feelings towards her of being so stupid....& even when she died, she left me with the same feelings I had about her all my life. I feel really sad about feeling the way I do about her after she is dead but I just can't get through it.....I know that hate is a strong word, but I don't have a better word to explain my feelings. Everyone throughout her life thought of her as a kind, sweet, caring person. That was very true & she nievely in her personality wasn't abusive, but she hurt me in ways that no one, not even me, really understands. I hate looking at my mother as being stupid....ignorant, & not understanding things that are important. She was always controlled by what she was supposed to believe rather than learning & knowing what she believed...she was always into her own life & always showed that she cared about others.....she never seemed to know how to handle important things.....even as a child, I saw her this way & it was hard to respect her other than for the fact that she was my mother.....I didn't respect her for anything else or her beliefs that weren't based on what she knew but what she was told to believe. She would always take what I said as criticism rather than a suggestion to open up her thinking. I hate the feelings I have been left feeling towards her & need to have some closure on whether my feelings are right or whether I should really feel differently about her.

It is amazing how many of the medical terms the internet can help me define.....& how many other things were going on in her body at the age of 80 other than just the cancer. I knew alot about what was going on after the surgery after doing all the research I had already done about her cancer & all the help I had from people on the internet that helped me know what kind of treatment she needed. This research is definitely emotional though. It really pisses me off too because she said that she noticed the sore in June & then it got so sore that she couldn't sit comfortably by August. All the research on vulvar cancer says it is a slow growing cancer that starts years before it ever gets to the point where she noticed it. It starts with small sores that itch & get sore continually.....but she swore to me that she never had anything like that......boy did she ignore what was going on with her body. I have always noticed the smallest thing........& taken care of things immediately....just like she always told me to do.....& then look at what she did. At the end, her surgeon thought she had wanted to die with having ignored the problem for so long......but then she believed that God would never let something like that happen to her & then prayer would heal it up anyway once she was told it was serious....& she didn't believe how serious it was anyway. She got through her hysterectomy & didn't believe that anything could be worse than that. Nieve.

Sorry for going on so about this......it is something that keeps nagging at me & hard to let go.....thus the trying to make sense out of what when on....even though I may never know....I am sure I can get much more satisfaction than I have right now....when I get a chance to actually talk to her surgeon.....even though he will probably lie.

I am taking some time to myself & doing some crafts. I have a neice that is 1 year old & am trying to make a cute photo frame for her first year photos for mom & dad. Also a cute fishy quilt in really bright colours & then I am doing some beading for my daughters graduation gift..bracelet, necklace, & phone charm. I am also doing some beading for myself using some of the swarovski crystals....also beading on my shirts....just trying to let some of my creative self out.....then I am trying to make sure I have all my mending done before packing up my cloths.

But mostly right now.....I need sleep & just can't seem to get enough of it....which is really frustrating me because I have too much to do. Organizing the things I want to keep & throwing away & packing up things to give away.......I just have too much stuff in this huge home. I need to get one of the huge trash cans to clean out my mothers garage....there is so much junk....I can't figure out any other way of getting rid of it.

The more I push the more tired I get & then I sleep & I get more frustrated.....is there any way out? I can't wait until it is all over....but I am sure that if I don't find the home I really want, I may decide to buy land & have a home built.....to get just what I want. It just seems like my life is way to complicated & can't wait until I am done & can just sit back, swing on my swing on my front porch with a big glass of ice tea, watching my doggies & horses run around. I think it is going to take quite a while to recooperate once I finally get through with the move.....but I am hoping it will all be worth it.

The worry about finding new Dr's is also haunting me.....thinking that I may have to make monthly trips back to California just to see my pain specialist & pdoc......now that I have found Dr's I can trust, it is going to be hard to find others that will be able to take their place. I have phone #'s to get medicare & insurance information once I make the move....I have to keep track of all the information I am getting along the way so once I finally need it, I know where to look for it. Being organized is tough....but I am trying so hard to get myself together with everything that is going on.

I should find out whether we will be able to sell our home "as is' in a couple of days.....hoping that will work out.....I need things to go easily in my life for a change......but life goes on.

My nightmares continue & so do the flashbacks....& anxiety attacks hit me at times when I least expect them.......that sets me back along with the sick.......I just want a break so bad. I have to admit that I really enjoy taking time out for my crafts....even though I feel guilty when I am doing it......I feel like I have to push myself constantly. I am sure the heat doesn't help me either, but at least I am not trying to push my horse training this year....haven't ended up in the ER needing IV fluids this year....haven't gotten that dehydrated yet.

I felt like taking some time trying to catch up with some of the things you all are going through. Sorry I haven't been able to be here much with any support....but hope that things will be going ok for you all.....but I am sure if I am having a rough time......many others are too. I am sorry for not being more knowledgable about what you are all going through.

My thoughts are with you all,
Debbie

[silver_queen]

((((((((((((((( eskie ))))))))))))))))

Things sound really tough for you right now

Is there anybody who could help you sort things out while you're sick? You really shouldn't be pushing yourself... you might make yourself worse

Could you ring the dr and see what they say about it?

[hillbunnyb]

eskielover, I am soooo sorry for the heavy load you are hauling arund these days. Your description of your mom sounds like mine. "They (whoever they are) will tell me what I need to know". Where did this attitude come from? Glad you're being creative with your time. Hang in there plowing through, you can do it.

[Sabrina]

I am sorry things are so rough for you.

Sending you gentle and good thoughts.

[Rhapsody]

((((((( HUGS ))))))) ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ((((((( HUGS )))))))

PRAYERS are going up for YOU


LoVe,
Rhapsody -

[SerenitysWave]

<font color="purple">((((((((eskie))))))))) that is an awful lot to have one plate especially when not feeling well. I am sorry that you have so much going on right now, but you need to take care of you too!! I hope thinsg settle done real soon, that you feel better even sooner and that you get some helping hands to help releive some of the pressure..... ((((((((Hugs))))))))))) </font>

[January]

((((((((((((((( Deb ))))))))))))))))))

I'm so sorry you're going through all of this.

Why don't you take first things first. Concentrate on packing your house and when you've moved, then worry about your mother's records and medical data. It's not going to help you to be overwhelmed by that when you can do it later when you have moved and settled.

My thoughts and prayers are with you,

Big hugs,

Jan