[MichaelSacha]

I just don't know what is wrong with me although I'm occasionally aware of a few symptoms. By which I mean I come to one conclusion and then change my mind. Each day I think I'm something else and the next day I'm what I was before. I don't even know if that makes sense, I can't think straight anymore. I hardly sleep, I'm inconsistently mildly depressed, anxious without ever feeling it, constantly emotionally numb and yet extremely obsessive and always switched on to extreme levels. I'm utterly isolated and am completely apathetic about others whilst being repetitively annoyed by empathetic intrusions. I absolutely adore my delusional intelligence and fantastic appearance that is randomly destroyed by my self-hatred manifesting itself in disgust. But even better is how I repeat everything until spoken perfectly, step on every footpath crack and repeat the numbers one to twelve. I'm an unachieving perfectionist and I talk to my reflection with the constant dread of it crawling out of the mirror and killing me.

[MichaelSacha]

I almost forgot.... I also hate insects, filth and germs. I have random bouts of anger, am a control freak, submissively dominant and overly bored. I want to be a serial killer and have random suicidal moments. My personality changes violently, I don't care that my mother is dying of cancer and constantly feel as though I'm about to hallucinate, dissociate or just go blatently mental and snap.

Have you looked into Schizoid Personality Disorder and Obsessive Compulsive Disorder? Or considered seeing a professional who specializes in either of these? As for your sudden changes in personality, are you taking any medication?

Don't become a serial killer. It doesn't pay well.

[MichaelSacha]

I'm definitely not schizoid, Michael D, I should have mentioned I also need constant attention and instant gratification. As for OCD, in some ways the perfectionism could be that but I can too easily ignore it with little consequence. So I jump back and forth between OCD and trying to feel in control through completing irrelevant tasks perfectly. I've also seen three psychiatrists, a psychiatric nurse and a psychologist all to no avail.
I don't mean to criticise your response, but I swear I've gone through every known illness only to arrive at nowhere.

Serial killing isn't about the pay, it's the passion.... I really shouldn't be saying this.... And yet I still am.

[MichaelSacha]

I'm definitely not schizoid, Michael D, I should have mentioned I also need constant attention and instant gratification. As for OCD, in some ways the perfectionism could be that but I can too easily ignore it with little consequence. So I jump back and forth between OCD and trying to feel in control through completing irrelevant tasks perfectly. I've also seen three psychiatrists, a psychiatric nurse and a psychologist all to no avail.
I don't mean to criticise your response, but I swear I've gone through every known illness only to arrive at nowhere.

Serial killing isn't about the pay, it's the passion.... I really shouldn't be saying this.... And yet I still am.

You have just basically described what I've been trying to figure out about myself for a while but paid no attention to until a few months or a year ago. EVERY SINGLE THING.. (except the hallucinating)..

Being a serial killer, for me, would be too.. I don't know.. I would be too anxious. Trust me I've thought of many things like this. It's just the way we think I guess..

I may or may not have ocd but but the fact that I've found out that so many people are going through the same situation with the OCD tendencies, suicide, depression, isolation, PEFECTIONISM (which is probably the worst for me) makes me think that there is a much higher chance that I'll get diagnosed with this condition when I see my therapist for the first time on tuesday..

Edit: mind always racing, physically hyper and emotionally down I don't know about general anxiety disorder but I do feel that I just need to be tranquilized..

Originally Posted by MichaelSacha

I'm definitely not schizoid, Michael D, I should have mentioned I also need constant attention and instant gratification. As for OCD, in some ways the perfectionism could be that but I can too easily ignore it with little consequence. So I jump back and forth between OCD and trying to feel in control through completing irrelevant tasks perfectly. I've also seen three psychiatrists, a psychiatric nurse and a psychologist all to no avail.
I don't mean to criticise your response, but I swear I've gone through every known illness only to arrive at nowhere.

Serial killing isn't about the pay, it's the passion.... I really shouldn't be saying this.... And yet I still am.

Shame. That would explain your apathy. Alternatively, the dearth of emotions could be due to the mild depression you described.

I too have troubles with need for control. I've mellowed out a lot over the years, though. Usually this results from anxiety. Or you may have a mild form of psychopathy.

Passion schmassion... Serial killing is for deluded man-children who have far too much free time on their hands. Trust me... Find a less cliche hobby.

[~Christina]

It's easy to self diagnose yourself with a bazillion things .. It just doesn't work. See a professional and let them help you.

About the only thing that can be self diagnosed and it be correct is a ingrown toenail. lol

Good Luck and I hope you find answers you are seeking

[thalia_]

Can't diagnose over the internet, but what you say does make me think of some forms of narcissism or NPD.

[hamster-bamster]

Whatever it is, I would begin with trying to fix the sleep issue. I have no idea what one should do when one hates germs, but I do know that the sleep issue is fixable for most people. Not for all, but for most.

[MichaelSacha]

Narcissism was a major focus for a long time, Thalia, but like all personality disorders, they would never quite fit. I would be diagnosed as a narcissist but my being apathetic doesn't stop me from being empathetic, and a lack of empathy is essential for NPD. I feel extremely guilty whenever hurt anyone in anyway, I'm not abusive and I'm prone to put others first despite the emotional damage that can cause. So in a way I'm people pleaser. But I often go into denial about having emotions, so I can seem narcissistic.

Yeah I know ho easy self-diagnosis is, ~Christina. But I can't help but try, I obsess over my mind all the time, twenty four hours a day and seven days a week, non-stop for eight months now. And I never get anywhere, it's just a cycle of confusion. My therapists aren't too sure either, a year of therapy and after eleven months, I was told they have no idea, the last month was more progressive but it's all far too slow.

[MichaelSacha]

Oh and I wouldn't call it a death of emotions, Michael D, although it feels like it, but they do show for several seconds at random times. The idea of my being a control freak stemming from anxiety is constantly brought up as likely. Nice to know others obsess with control. The idea of homocide comes into my mind when I "switch off". I just stop feeling, even the constant and dull emotional thud I get to tell me I'm alive. Everything slows down, my confidence sores and I obsess with murder. It's a state of mind I highly try to avoid, but I find it somewhat addicting.

Yeah the sleep deprivation is essential to deal with, Hamster-Bamster. Everything becomes twice as bad and a lot less stable.

Good luck with your appointment Wired Wrongly, I hope you get better soon and if you find out what's going on, feel free to let me know .

Originally Posted by MichaelSacha

Oh and I wouldn't call it a death of emotions, Michael D, although it feels like it, but they do show for several seconds at random times. The idea of my being a control freak stemming from anxiety is constantly brought up as likely. Nice to know others obsess with control. The idea of homocide comes into my mind when I "switch off". I just stop feeling, even the constant and dull emotional thud I get to tell me I'm alive. Everything slows down, my confidence sores and I obsess with murder. It's a state of mind I highly try to avoid, but I find it somewhat addicting.

Fleeting emotions. I have those as well. I rather like it; dwelling on things just seems so inefficient.

Perhaps this homicidal ideation is a means of coping with anxiety. After all, killing someone is the ultimate expression of control. It could be predation, which is what I experience and I also find it incredibly addictive. But, considering the feelings of anxiety, I doubt it.

[henrydavidtherobot]

We are almost exactly alike, with the exception of the level of OCD and hallucinations. What has your therapist suggested?

[MichaelSacha]

Nothing has been suggested yet, henrydavid, as we're still in the process of diagnosis. But if I come across anything than I'll let you know.

[(JD)]

Originally Posted by MichaelSacha

I just don't know what is wrong with me although I'm occasionally aware of a few symptoms. By which I mean I come to one conclusion and then change my mind. Each day I think I'm something else and the next day I'm what I was before. I don't even know if that makes sense, I can't think straight anymore. I hardly sleep, I'm inconsistently mildly depressed, anxious without ever feeling it, constantly emotionally numb and yet extremely obsessive and always switched on to extreme levels. I'm utterly isolated and am completely apathetic about others whilst being repetitively annoyed by empathetic intrusions. I absolutely adore my delusional intelligence and fantastic appearance that is randomly destroyed by my self-hatred manifesting itself in disgust. But even better is how I repeat everything until spoken perfectly, step on every footpath crack and repeat the numbers one to twelve. I'm an unachieving perfectionist and I talk to my reflection with the constant dread of it crawling out of the mirror and killing me.

You sound like a pre-med student

Take the quizzes offered here to see what most of your symptoms focus upon...then take that to the appropriate doctor. TC