A blanket mea maxima culpa

It saddens me that I feel compelled to do this, but, as my niece is fond of saying, “It is what it is.”

To the people I’ve ticked off: Just think of me as a contentedly sleeping dog. Wake me up by provoking me and I will bite.

My dad, when he was being merely verbally abusive, liked to refer to me in conversation with the other family members as “it.” I wasn’t even granted personhood.

My dad, when he was being physically abusive, hit. My brother and sister stood there and took it. I hit the jerk back!! I wasn’t about to let him get away with that! The consequences were never pretty, but at least I had the satisfaction of standing up for myself.

My last T and I worked extensively on anger. He had me type out a word and paste it everywhere I could think of: computer, mirrors, heck, I had one in the middle of my steering wheel (I have a smallish case of road rage ). The word was: BREATHE.

I apologize for hitting first and breathing second. Please try to cut me some slack as I continue to work on this issue.

To the people I only seem able to respond to in PMs: It isn’t that I don’t want to write a supportive post to you, it’s that I’m overwhelmed by your pain. There are people here who have suffered more misfortunes than any 20 people’s lifetimes, and it makes my heart ache, but I don’t want to say anything in public because I’m afraid I’ll say the wrong thing, or that it won’t be enough. Know that I care, I’m just a big chicken.

To the people whose PMs I never seem to respond to: I’m not a big people person. It takes me a long time to make friends, and most of the time the prospect of meeting new people is too overwhelming for me. It’s that way for me IRL too. I feel bad for not being more engaging, but I have seriously limited emotional and psychic energy and remarkably bad social skills. I wish I were a better ambassador for this place, but it just isn’t something I’m very good at. Please accept my apologies.

To the people who for some reason believe in me even though I am a big fat honkin’ fraud, and not the fabulous and competent person you think I am – thank you. And if you got this far without wanting to retaliate, thank you too.

Peace and all good,

CB

Candy I like what you had to say. I think it shows growth when a person can take the time to explain, mend and still own what they feel and leave room for even more growth

I also think it is kind to explain where you are coming from, so that people don't get paranoid and think you are ignoring them or something.

I don't know you but don't think you are a fraud. We all have our own 'issues' to struggle with... not easy. Take care.

Candybear, you sound great. Intelligent, you express yourself well, you must be strong, to have been through such crap (without turning into a serial killer). Also, you sound a lot like me -- verbally abusive family, being treated like I don't matter, hitting back (I did that, too. Hey, we weren't punching bags!), needing to remember to breathe, having to struggle with road rage (I'm also from the upper midwest). Yep, we're cut from the same cloth, it sounds like.

You have my sympathy and my best wishes. Hang in there. (((cb))) You're da best dere is, kid. Don't let nobody tell ya no different.

Candybear...You are a very courageous person...I hope that some day I will be able to explain myself as well as you just did...OH yeah, I had my first case of roadrage a couple days ago...I don't ever want to do that again! lol...Made be feel so sick inside afterward...I also cannot make friends easily...I was always so shy people took me for stuckup...hated me instantly...Smile...You are great!

(((((((((((((Candy))))))))))

(((((Candy)))))

I still think you're wonderful!

((((((((((((candy))))))))))))

Candybear (poopiebear), I always knew you were a marshmallow (soft and sweet)
Angie

(((((((((((((((((candybear))))))))))))))))))) I think you are a wonderful person even with all that you list. You have been supportive to many people here and none of us can be all the time. What great advice from your last T-Breathe. Take care and I will continue to look forward to your posts whatever they may be.

)))))))) ))) candybear((((((((((((( ((( yep, keep breathing, yep.

I can relate. I was "you little %#@&#!"......

I think you are a great-big-cuddly-loveable-candybear !!!!!!! I am very glad to know you. I make mistakes too. It's about how we clean up after ourselves that makes the differnece.

You clean up good. That takes character, guts, heart: things you got, kiddo.

(((((Candybear))))))
I don't know how anyone could stay mad at you even if you did make somebody mad.
I admire your stregnth and courage.

Thank you, everyone, for reacting so kindly to this. I appreciate the kind words, and especially appreciate that people who don't know me well chimed in. It all helps.

Love, Candy

post deleted by Kimmydawn.

Hey honey, I am here. may you have peace