[Scopri]

Hi, I am very new here obviously. I've come to post about something that's been bothering me for a while. I haven't been able to find any creative way to express it.

First off, I am not depressed. I have my sad days, but I don't at all consider myself depressed.
I do talk to myself very, very often. I know it's normal. I talk to myself for a good 30 minutes to 2 hours before falling asleep to wind down. Often I will plan conversations that I will have in advance and discuss various things because, frankly, I feel like I listen better to me than anyone else I've met. I'm more comfortable with myself.

It's just that sometimes it gets to the point where I start arguing with myself, mostly in my head, about what's good or right. I can't figure out where I stand on anything, it gets to the point that when I witness a real argument I end up on both sides. The most common argument I have with myself is about self-importance and arrogance.
I find myself fighting for whether I am an arrogant hypocrite or not, mostly.

I know objectively that I am not better than other people. But I can't seem to accept it, like some narcissism is blocking me. I don't know for sure if I'm a narcissist. I don't have any personality disorder that I know of.

This arguing with myself is driving me crazy. I can't make it stop. It just runs on and on and on. It does eventually quit on its own, but it always comes back. I don't hear the voices in my head clearly as a schizophrenic would, it's just a thought process that runs and runs and won't shut up.
In turn it makes me very cynical, and like I said, I end up criticizing every side of everything. I can't figure out who or what I stand for, because it seems like I can't stand any of it. I feel like my own team a lot of the time.

I've lost a large amount of my capability for empathy and sympathy. I find that most of it is faked just so other people won't think I'm a jerk when they tell me about their problems.

This has all led me to harbor a strong hate for political, religious, and similar subjects, because there is no right answer, yet everybody believes he is right. And I can't handle that. I will not even call myself an agnostic because I refuse to associate myself with that group of people. I try not to avoid it to feel more special than others, but because everyone believes they are more important than me.

tl;dr i'm probably the biggest cynical hipster in the world, and i can't find anybody who relates to me

[Leed]

Hi Scopri and welcome. I'm sure this arguing back and forth is very unnerving. I don't know how you get to sleep at night.

While you may not be depressed, etc., I do think it would benefit you to see a therapist. A therapist could determine why you're not able to decide one way or another about issues, and why you're continually arguing with yourself over them. Logically, I would think that you'd HAVE to have an opinion on issues, but for some reason you're not allowing yourself to -- and a therapist could find out WHY.

So please have your doctor refer you to a good therapist -- he will know who to send you to. I wish you the very best. Take care and God bless. Hugs, Lee

[amandalouise]

Originally Posted by Scopri

Hi, I am very new here obviously. I've come to post about something that's been bothering me for a while. I haven't been able to find any creative way to express it.

First off, I am not depressed. I have my sad days, but I don't at all consider myself depressed.
I do talk to myself very, very often. I know it's normal. I talk to myself for a good 30 minutes to 2 hours before falling asleep to wind down. Often I will plan conversations that I will have in advance and discuss various things because, frankly, I feel like I listen better to me than anyone else I've met. I'm more comfortable with myself.

It's just that sometimes it gets to the point where I start arguing with myself, mostly in my head, about what's good or right. I can't figure out where I stand on anything, it gets to the point that when I witness a real argument I end up on both sides. The most common argument I have with myself is about self-importance and arrogance.
I find myself fighting for whether I am an arrogant hypocrite or not, mostly.

I know objectively that I am not better than other people. But I can't seem to accept it, like some narcissism is blocking me. I don't know for sure if I'm a narcissist. I don't have any personality disorder that I know of.

This arguing with myself is driving me crazy. I can't make it stop. It just runs on and on and on. It does eventually quit on its own, but it always comes back. I don't hear the voices in my head clearly as a schizophrenic would, it's just a thought process that runs and runs and won't shut up.
In turn it makes me very cynical, and like I said, I end up criticizing every side of everything. I can't figure out who or what I stand for, because it seems like I can't stand any of it. I feel like my own team a lot of the time.

I've lost a large amount of my capability for empathy and sympathy. I find that most of it is faked just so other people won't think I'm a jerk when they tell me about their problems.

This has all led me to harbor a strong hate for political, religious, and similar subjects, because there is no right answer, yet everybody believes he is right. And I can't handle that. I will not even call myself an agnostic because I refuse to associate myself with that group of people. I try not to avoid it to feel more special than others, but because everyone believes they are more important than me.

tl;dr i'm probably the biggest cynical hipster in the world, and i can't find anybody who relates to me

I too have had (and still do) great conversations/debates internally. my treatment providers have called it many things depending upon other accompanying symptoms like....normal, depression, bipolar disorder, DID, psychosis, hallucinations, delusions....those related to my DID are no longer because my alters have been integrated, those other not normal events are controlled by medications/diet and exercise and the normal well they shall continue...its one of the ways I work out some of my problems..my therapist calls it self care, self nurturing and self analyzing/therapeutic self talk.

[zéchileno]

Hi Scopri, It doesn´t seem like you have a terrible problem. Then again, it must seem terrible to you.
It was great reading your lines, you express yourself extremely well. Could be the fact that you're constantly using your powers of discussion.
Couple of questions, a) Have you tried writing as a therapy? b) How long have you been having these discussions with yourself?

[Scopri]

Originally Posted by Leed

Hi Scopri and welcome. I'm sure this arguing back and forth is very unnerving. I don't know how you get to sleep at night....

I will consider a therapist, I have had one in the past. It was for some minor depression I had at the time.

Originally Posted by amandalouise

I too have had (and still do) great conversations/debates internally. my treatment providers have called it many things depending upon other accompanying symptoms like....normal, depression, bipolar disorder, DID, psychosis, hallucinations, delusions....

It's worth mentioning that sometimes I am delusional about my appearance in good or bad ways, among other things. Some days I will become overly confident and the next I can't figure out how to make words.

Originally Posted by zéchileno

Hi Scopri, It doesn´t seem like you have a terrible problem. Then again, it must seem terrible to you.
It was great reading your lines, you express yourself extremely well. Could be the fact that you're constantly using your powers of discussion.
Couple of questions, a) Have you tried writing as a therapy? b) How long have you been having these discussions with yourself?

I haven't tried writing as therapy, but I have been acknowledged as a good writer. Usually I don't feel in the mood to write. Sometimes when it strikes me I'll just free-write a poem or some short piece and stash it away in the dark corners of Google Docs. Expressing myself through poetry or narrative never feels like "enough."

And I can't remember exactly how long I've had them. I do know that I've talked to myself practically ever since I could talk, though. If I had to estimate, I started questioning structure and integrity of things when I was about 12, and started debating myself at about 15. I'm going on 18 now.

[zéchileno]

I used to talk to myself lots. It is hard to rememember clearly. Living in Brazil and studying Fine Arts helped lots. Also, working out lifting weights helped. It's ok to be kind of narcissistic. Many people are and don't care about it. Surely I've come to think that developing ideas in words is overrated. Try using colors, shapes. Later, you can try physical movements.

[spondiferous]

Welcome to PC, Scopri.
I struggle with this same problem. It causes me a lot of anxiety, sometimes panic, and I can't seem to shut it off at times. It has gotten to the point where my brain has gotten so adept at analyzing things that when I think about something it just seems to dissolve, or disappear, and loses meaning. It freaks me out. It's one of the most painful aspects of what I live with.
I wish you well in finding ways to cope. I myself have not found anything yet, other than distraction, which works part of the time.