Morbid Inertia

I'm an older person who has figured some things out and would like to change but I have decades of bad habits to overcome.

I've been rereading 'The Compassionate Mind' by Paul Gilbert and these sentences hit home with me:

"One of the issues that therapists are constantly coming up against is people's experience that they don't belong, that they've never felt 'welcomed' in the world of adults and wonder how to earn their place or create that feeling of belonging."

Mainly because my parents were old, my father was crippled, and my mother was was a neurotic worrier I did not get off to a great start. After I left home, decided I couldn't cope and gave up on myself I spent many years getting by at work and with my wife as my only real contact.

The reason for that sad story is to explain where the morbid inertia came from. I think to justify my isolation I developed this sour grapes attitude: 'The world is full of sheep and a few rich, manipulative scum. There's nothing anyone can do about it and in a hundred years we'll probably be extinct. So no sense worrying that you'll never belong'

Except now I know that there's a little more to it. I've lived with this sense of everyone's right and I'm wrong, they have no feelings and can reject me in an instant. I for sure was not welcomed into the world of adults. But whoops...they do have feelings, they're not all sheep, I could fit in, I'm not worthless and easily ignored. So now what am I supposed to do.

Like others posting in this subforum I have no clue how to move on and open up; how to be trusting and loving and caring. A big part of me still says, 'What's the use at this point; go back into your shell and wait for rigor mortis to end the boredom.

I've had some success with meditation; mainly TM and some mindfulness work. I am more calm and aware; I believe I'm easier to be around. But the increasing knowledge of how I was fooled and the years that I've wasted are like a huge cloud that stifles any attempt to move in a positive direction. Any thoughts on how to break free and use the time that's left would be appreciated.

What a great question. I feel that same cloud. It is hard not to look back and turn into a pillar of salt. (I know that is some sort of Biblical reference, but whatever it ACTUALLY means, which I can't say, it just sprang to mind as an apt motif.) I don't want that to happen to me. It's less painful to face forward and use the present as my key reference point. So, if you'll forgive a pun, I try to stay current and avoid the undertow.

I had a big challenge yesterday, which had lasted about 24 hours. Near the end, I was clear on 5 different aspects, but I could not integrate them. Luckily, I had my H on the team, and let him push us through the final moment. Had he hesitated, I might have been able to push, but I certainly could not have articulated what was going on at that point. Only today did I get clarity. I'm content with how it all worked out. We did our best, and I did much of it. Sorry to be so abstract, but I don't want to go into details. Just to say I was able to stay present and even aware of when I was getting confused, which was success for us.

For me, critical thinking is a key concept in my life. I turn to it when I feel at sea, and often I notice things I have neglected. Here's a convenient list of aspects of critical thinking, in case it might be helpful to someone else:

CriticalThinking.NET Definition of Critical Thinking

I think it's just one moment at a time. You're not always going to want to feel like you want to break free. And that's okay. I know I sure don't. When I don't feel up to it, I hide out. When I do, I re-enter the world, and I see that it's right there waiting for me, just as I left it.
A lot of stuff in my life has taken years for me to sort through. And on a lot of it I'm just beginning. Hope this has been helpful. However you go about it...I think it's a very personal journey, you have to choose the path that works best for you and find people to encourage you and to challenge you when you get back into that 'stinkin' thinkin''.

Thanks guys. When I get some perspective I realize that I can't do it all at once. Putting it out here and knowing that someone else is learning my story helps me to want to deal. Now I can't just pretend that it's not real and I don't need to do anything about it. I do need to find someone to check in with and keep me honest. My experience with therapists so far had been disappointing. Maybe it's time to try again.

I find myself retreating lately, which I know is not healthy for me. That is one reason I am here to try and get some answers. Glad I am not the only old one with these feelings of not belonging or is it not wanting to belong? Somewhere deep down I know the time is now and I must act before it is too late. Good question where to start? How do we open up to be trusting and caring and loving? Well, I sure am not much help, but I like the questions proposed.