[Kitcatluver]

I don't know how to explain it. But I can't tell what my mood is and I haven't since like 7th grade (its the end of 9th now) I feel numb I guess. I hid my feeling from others and keep them at a distance, if I don't get close I can't get my heart broken when they stab me in the back.
My view on relationships is not good. Every relationship I've seen is a constant fighting couple. My parents are divorced. My sisters boyfriend left right after their child's first birthday. My grandparents constantly fight. My aunt and uncle constantly fight and blame each other and yell at their kids. And whats supposed to be a family is actually just a bunch of people who are related to one another talking about each other behind each others a back.
Since 7th grade I started cutting and overdosing. Ill get moments which should be classified as anorexia because ill lose my apatite and not eat for a week (a bite or two a day at most) or until my apatite comes back
My moods when I can tell what they are I hide them. Ill get depressed then aggravated then on top of the world. My sleep goes from not needing any to cant get enough.

It's all weird. My friends joke and say I'm bipolar. My parents joke and say I'm crazy. The social worker said I was normal (not sure what normal person cuts and willingly hurts themselves)

[Love/Hate09]

Hey Kitcat, your symptoms sound a lot like mine. My sleep patterns are truly absurd. I'll be awake for several days unable to sleep and then i'll sleep and sleep and sleep. Same with my appetite, i'm trying to get better with the appetite because it's important to eat regularly but sometimes i just can't manage it. I simply don't have the desire to eat, i'm just not hungry so i don't bother, it's not a concious decision to not eat, it's just very difficult when you're not feeling like eating.

You're right in what you say about stable people don't willingly hurt themselves. I have done that too, i have taken deliberate ODs. I'm glad that i don't have any large supplies of any medication around because if i get the temptation i can't act on it which is for the best.

I am working on stablising myself and i am doing much better, my overall mood is a lot more stable but i know i need to still work on things like the sleep and the eating.

Do you have any support network? It's important to have support, maybe not just family if they have not always taken your issues seriously, maybe some friends, or even one friend that you can talk to. I find that part the hardest, trying to find the right support at the right time is sometimes hard.

PC is good, i like PC, the people are nice and friendly but it's still nice to have someone to talk to in person.

Hope things pick up for you soon.

[Kitcatluver]

Originally Posted by Love/Hate09

Hey Kitcat, your symptoms sound a lot like mine. My sleep patterns are truly absurd. I'll be awake for several days unable to sleep and then i'll sleep and sleep and sleep. Same with my appetite, i'm trying to get better with the appetite because it's important to eat regularly but sometimes i just can't manage it. I simply don't have the desire to eat, i'm just not hungry so i don't bother, it's not a concious decision to not eat, it's just very difficult when you're not feeling like eating.

You're right in what you say about stable people don't willingly hurt themselves. I have done that too, i have taken deliberate ODs. I'm glad that i don't have any large supplies of any medication around because if i get the temptation i can't act on it which is for the best.

I am working on stablising myself and i am doing much better, my overall mood is a lot more stable but i know i need to still work on things like the sleep and the eating.

Do you have any support network? It's important to have support, maybe not just family if they have not always taken your issues seriously, maybe some friends, or even one friend that you can talk to. I find that part the hardest, trying to find the right support at the right time is sometimes hard.

PC is good, i like PC, the people are nice and friendly but it's still nice to have someone to talk to in person.

Hope things pick up for you soon.

That's a reason why I'm here, for support. I have a friend who I talk to cause she gets it all my other friends will try to make me eat or be happy which is good I know they care but sometimes I want to yell "SHUT UP AND LEAVE ME ALONE" and then when i do fly off my handle (depends on my mood sometimes 2 a day sometimes 1 a month if you get what i mean) they act like i just murdered and skined a newborn puppy. My other friend will do it sometimes and i admit i will to because you forget how it hurts or you think their problems are stupid compared to yours. Its why i like this website or websites like this, it gives you a chance to think before you post.

I'm going to ask my mom if I could star seeing someone again for my issues hopefully after may because may is a crazy month for my family

I also pick at my eyelashes (mainly the right side of my face I'm left handed) and eyebrows but it only reacently got really bad and I guess there's a term for that too.

I just don't know anymore. I want help its just hard to ask for it then when I get it I'm either "under lock and key" or can't shut up and I don't want to see a social worker (espically not the one I was seeing Last year)

But thanks for telling me about yourself, makes me feel better to know I'm not alone.

[cool09]

I was the same way since 14 (49 now). I did not know what feelings I was having. It took me years to describe what I was feeling. I found out that I was buried by things like anxiety, racing thoughts, over-sensitivity (irritability), abnormal mood swings, etc. I had a breakthrough with a med in '96 and I could finally relax and feel and describe my emotions much better. Friends, family, etc. would ask me how I felt about something and I would have no real clue how I felt inside. It was very weird. (Before 14 I was very in-touch with myself but something changed biochemically I believe.)

Something is smothering your deep inside emotions on 24/7 basis. Could be a lot of things. You have to sort it out somehow and have a Dr. help you. Anxiety can definitely control or mask your feelings, etc.

Anotherwords, something is not balanced which is why you are not really in touch with your feelings. It's a terrible feeling and makes it tough to get thru the day.