Hidden Secrets

Do you all have secrets? Not like just stuff you only tell your friends? But deep deep secrets and beliefs that no one you feel would probably ever understand? the only person you talk to them about it yourself? not even your therapist?

I know I do, I have a lot of them... They're buried deep down inside of me, I dont know why but it seems people are too fake to comprehend them and dont even really want to know. Nor would they really believe me or take me seriously. Call me crazy it is what it is. This world is so fake sometimes.... I havent seen anything I would call "real" by another human being in a long time... even when I should have. Can you relate??

is it maybe just part of my sickness? or is just me?

- I have one doctor who says I have aspergers but the specialists says I don't while he thinks I am more schizoids... and I am waiting on another test. I think their both wrong whatever it is I just keep getting more depressed (im thinking along the lines of schizotypal but in the end the name doesnt really matter does it?).

Here are some things buried deep down thoughts and/or just stuff I believe... I know its a lot but i've never written them down before and... well. maybe i should.

- My mind is playing tricks on me.
- 99% of the world is fake, no one really truly cares or understands.
- The world is fading faster and faster everyday
- Everything I say personally or true will very likely somehow be used against me in some matter for the worse when I tell people
- I cant tell people the truth of how i feel
- I cant figure out what is truth and lies my mind is telling me
- I just bounce back a reflection of what people want
- I have a outside cast that is nothing like the inside
- My soul is just being dragged along by my body, It is trapped
- That it would be better to "Disappear" whether it be alive and alone in the woods or dead
- I want to go "home" to heaven so I can be in a place of love and peace
- The supernatural and god like events occurs all the time but is rarely seen as I myself have only seen it a few times
- There are separate pieces to my personality, that switch on and off
- I get a lot of Deja Vu moments (and I believe they're real, I can explain)
- I sometimes feel more like an animal than a person and think/feel as such
- I can understand and relate to animals more than people
- God has sent me messages clear as day but only I could see them (two I can think of currently)
- Everyone has second agendas
- I dont belong anywhere here
- No one really understands or cares
- You cannot trust anyone
- Nothing really matters anymore

bleh, theres more I just can't think of them right now...

I'm lonely, I hide in my room most of the day after working 11 hours (I need a break after dealing with so many people), I get very angry at work thinking they do things because they dont like me and it's personal. I cant take being around other people hardly anymore, i'm depressed, and just want to cry. I am so unmotivated and I hate it I used to do more. I miss my dogs they understood me. I just feel like it keep circling downward and its getting worse and I am losing my ability to cope. Most people dont know and i've probably denied it but it seems I am a bit paranoid. I do think people are talking about me or doing things intentionally against me. I've been called out before for being a "worrier"... I get very defensive and agitated even If i dont need to be, I suppose its that flight or fight. It why i dont tell anyone anything.

I just hate life right now,,, I dont know why, everyone who knows me in real life thinks im a silly, weird, and optimistic person.... probably cause thats what I display because no one really wants to know about your personal problems anyways....

I dont know... I guess I'm just really confused. I suppose it is time to put the mask back on and go to work tomorrow...

There is one part you mention that I can relate to. I have to put on a mask to go out in public and interact socially in real life or virtual life.

That's probably what contributes to my feelings of hidden secrets.

Yea like its not even a conscious decision anymore my brain doesnt automatically

I relate to most of the things you listed. It's really hard for me to eke out a life for myself sometimes because I feel most of what you mentioned there. Sometimes I share it with people, sometimes I don't (because I don't want to freak people out and besides it usually doesn't make a difference anyway). Just know that you're not alone.

Yea sometimes ill get a bright idea and share it with poeple but most of the time no.... I probably should tell my therapist but idk, i dont think i want to right now..... i dont feel like shed understand

I think I understand a lot of that. I believe some of those things are almost universal. I feel some of them.
I recall when I was 22 or 23 I told a good friend of mine that sometimes I had this feeling like everything I say is a lie and every move I make is just moving into another pose. He not only understood... he said he had felt like that on occasion.
And yes... I have secrets I don't think I will ever tell anyone. I think we all do if we're honest with ourselves.
You do belong though... you're part of the pattern just like the rest of us. We're all made of the same stuff... nobody is more important than anyone else. You haven't found your place yet maybe but you might some day. There are real people out here though we may not be 100% real all of the time...

I guess thats good, lately at work nothing and nobody feels real to me. I hate it. I feel like im the only person that cares in a world of egos

I wonder if everyone feels this way? I feel the same way.

I can relate to many thing on that list of yours. I have kept my mouth shut for fear of things being used against me. Trust is a big issue for me.

Yea even with stupid stuff, stuff that shouldnt matter especially if its personal. Saying something like "oh I am just kind of having a hard time right now" makes me a target

I relate to a lot of what you posted. I have far more intimate items on my list that I probably will never tell anyone ever.

I mean intimate to me, my mind and soul. I feel you should have some. No one should ever know so much about you where they could eventually take that and use it against you. (probably due to my issues from my past is why I feel this way).

Give someone enough to completely break and destroy and they will, every time without fail.

yea makes sense, i suppose thats how we are all different

I only had a therapist for a short time in rehab. No way I could tell her, but im sure even if I did she would do her best to be understanding and pretend to take me seriously. But would walk away scratching her head. I agree with you there that everyone in life is sort of like a game. Its made up standards we are all expected to go by, fake morals and values that mean nothing more then calling it that. All made up.

Im just like you I dont understand why I should have to write neatly, dress how everyone else does, communicate in a very non individual way. but I do it anyway to keep a job, for now anyway.

I certainly have some deep secrets I have not told, If I did have a therapist I may come out over time if I felt he/she really wanted to help me understand my thoughts and feelings and was not interested in judging me for it.

I can relate to many thing on that list of yours. I have kept my mouth shut for fear of things being used against me. Trust is a big issue for me.

I agree, I havent even bothered opening up to my therapist about it, my feelings are the simple as dont ask dont tell. I doubt theyll ever ask about it. They not gotten anywhere near close nor even brought it up, which leads me to wonder do they even really "get" me?

now LOM i see it says you are schiztypal would you say thats a common trait? their trying to say that I have a schizoid personality but i disagree and feel its more schizotypal not only because of stuff like this but I am depressed because i feel like i cant relate/connect with people especially when I think they may try to blackmail me,. I feel like schizoid really wouldnt care... i care

I kept the same secret from my Ts and pdoc for 20 years. It wasn't until last year that I had the courage and trust in someone to let it out. And even then it was only to one person who i was sure would keep it a secret too.
I had been raped 20 years ago by a close confidant and waited until he died to let the secret go. I should have done it sooner as he never was punished. Some secrets are not meant to be kept.

I know we talked about this before and how that is one of me biggest fears, Its terrible tammy and it makes me feel terribly sad for you.

So what's the line between too much ? and should i really say somethig if they dont ask?

I keep a lot hidden, like the fact i think that I dont belong in this world/dimension and that lies beyond the now.