why do i have this tendency?

Jun 07, 2013, 06:07 PM

Why do I have this tendency to judge others? I mean, I've had this since I was really young. I always say things like,"Oh, I don't like the way he looks" or "He looks standoffish. I don't want to talk to him. In fact, I don't want to even know him" or "Why is he dressed that way? Why doesn't he smile? Why does he frown at me on the streets? Are you sure he's not in a bad mood?" So many judgments made. I wish I could just tone it down a little because others may easily be turned off by what I say. They may not even want me around. I've been doing a lot of thinking and I feel like sometimes I need to filter out some of the things I say, whether it's online or in real life. Sometimes I intend it to be a joke, but at the end of the day, people may take it as an offensive remark and just want to avoid me. I don't want that so what I can do to not drive them away? I haven't yet, but others tell me that I need to shape up. I'm still young, so there's still time to change.

unaluna · Jun 07, 2013, 06:17 PM

The older you get, the more you realize you resemble the person that raised you? But you seem to becoming aware of it at a very young age. That is so good! I was almost dead before I realized it. Too late for it to make a real difference in my life. In my regular normal have kids and work adult life. Maybe okay in my contribute to humanity in my old age life.

H3rmit · Jun 07, 2013, 06:35 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by heyitsme7

I wish I could just tone it down a little because others may easily be turned off by what I say. They may not even want me around. I've been doing a lot of thinking and I feel like sometimes I need to filter out some of the things I say, whether it's online or in real life. Sometimes I intend it to be a joke, but at the end of the day, people may take it as an offensive remark and just want to avoid me.

Oh, yeah, I feel bad for just thinking things like that. Saying them is not good. Jokes - you have to think of who you are talking to. Do they know you well enough to get that it's a joke? Start tentatively with people you know well and see what they like or don't. People who think they are funny but aren't are bores. Basically, anything that could possibly be taken as offensive will be taken that way by someone. EG I had the recent experience of all-capping ONE word for emphasis in an email and the person interpreted that as yelling and that was the end of further discussion, really. (BTW, I am not yelling at you now.)

Phreak · Jun 08, 2013, 04:40 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by heyitsme7

Why do I have this tendency to judge others? I mean, I've had this since I was really young. I always say things like,"Oh, I don't like the way he looks" or "He looks standoffish. I don't want to talk to him. In fact, I don't want to even know him" or "Why is he dressed that way? Why doesn't he smile? Why does he frown at me on the streets? Are you sure he's not in a bad mood?" So many judgments made. I wish I could just tone it down a little because others may easily be turned off by what I say. They may not even want me around. I've been doing a lot of thinking and I feel like sometimes I need to filter out some of the things I say, whether it's online or in real life. Sometimes I intend it to be a joke, but at the end of the day, people may take it as an offensive remark and just want to avoid me. I don't want that so what I can do to not drive them away? I haven't yet, but others tell me that I need to shape up. I'm still young, so there's still time to change.

The more of your posts I read, the more of myself that I see in you.

Making quick instinctive judgements about people is a self preservation method to keep us safe. I think that it's also characteristic of PTSD?

I constantly find that I say the wrong thing. Find friends who are understanding and not too judgemental - that's what I like about PC.

Sometimes I think I'm the sort of person that people either love or hate, alas the largest percentage tend not to appreciate my sense of humour and find me too abrasive.

One of my friends asked me a question online t'other day and when I gave an honest opinion which was blatently not the reassurance that she was seeking she moaned and commented she hated and loved $e for my honesty

shezbut · Jun 08, 2013, 02:08 PM

I think that being judgmental is sometimes a healthy human characteristic. That's why our "spine tingles" in bad circumstances, as an immediate warning to get out of the situation. So, we do need some proper judgments made throughout our daily lives really.

The difficulty is when we let our menial judgments rule our behavior. {I've struggled with this for many years myself, so I do understand how disturbing this can be.

} Becoming self-aware is a big part of the task. From there, squelching the desire to speak your menial judgments ~ like the guy's shirt tails look goofy, or whatever. We can keep those thoughts to ourselves. It just takes regular practice. Exposing yourself to different types of people, with different problems, also helps open our minds as well.

You can do it!

spondiferous · Jun 08, 2013, 03:46 PM

I am super judgemental and hyper critical. I grew up with a father like that, and my brain became my father after he was no longer around. And how I judge myself is how I judge others. But when I become aware that I'm being judge-y, I remind myself that it's not necessary to pass judgement on others. And I try to relinquish control in situations where my input is not absolutely necessary (which is pretty much most of the time, if I want to be honest with myself).
I wouldn't beat yourself up about it. It's in your head; it doesn't have to rule your life.