[No Fuse No Flame]

I won my appeal for disability since. A big relief. No Medicare till 2014, judges decision.? Still have anger problems, now anxiety and continuing back problems. Being on disability has removed a lot of stress since then but has not help with mental issues as expected. Still have day mares and nightmares about WHY?WHY?WHY? Gave up on last P-doc didn't call back when I needed him, man took on to many cases overworked.. Have first visit with new p-doc on 30th this month. I'm counting the days. Everything seemed to be going good mood was better on average everyday as long as I was to my self and my furry pal. Which brings me back. I had to put him down Friday due to age and kidney problems. My last fury friend, best friend is gone................................... I've been sick to my stomach forcing my self to eat since. He was always there looking for tidbits at dinner I always made him wait till he finished his food first then gave him what I saved out of my plate. I miss him every moment and find it hard to focus on anything. He was apart of my life for 15 yrs.
I hate to say it but I have never felt so alone and empty, I had to put my other buddy down over a year ago. I have never thought about putting a noose around my neck more in a 24 hr. period in my life.
I have to get up the courage to go to my mothers birthday party, take family pictures and such and smile. I have to have the courage to deal with the anxiety attack I will have driving through busy traffic and all those people. I don't know how I will be able to take down the fence I put up just to keep my furry buddy safe, without a nervous breakdown.
I'm soo freakin tired of this, I just want the loneliness and misery to end one way or another.
If I could only get some kind of relief, some how someway. The 30th is so far away...............................................

[anneo59]

ahhhh litfuse, hang in there, you've been thru a lot, but you can find more joy, give more joy! Might sound easy for me to say, but I've had my share of stuff too. Please continue to reach out and get help where you can. Try to add in some positives somewhere, an activity you like, a good thought, something you're grateful for, whatever floats your boat basically. It's different for us all, and I wish you all the best! I hope you weather this storm successfully!

[gayleggg]

I'm so sorry to hear about your furry friend. I have been there and know how hard it is to maked that choice and to live without them. Hang on. The pain does get easier as we work through the grief. Take care of yourself during this time. Hope the new pdoc works out for you.
Gayle