[x_BabyG_x]

If anyone could help me make sense of this it would be greatly appreciated.

I've been seeing a therapist for depression this year and being treated for suspected bipolar after a period of extreme mood swings, which have been prevalent most of my adolescence/adulthood (on and off).

What I'm most concerned about is that when I either have extreme amounts of stress or I get ways too elated, it all turns bad.

It's like a switch goes off inside me and I become a totally different person. I have different moral, beliefs and ideas about the world, like I see it in a totally different light. This switch or 'other person' has lead me to overdosing, multiple self harm episodes and other dangerous activities in the past. I've often woken up in a pool of my own blood, or feeling Ill after taking too many pills and not knowing how I got there or what happened. I have hardly any recollection of what happened, and I can honestly hold my hands up and say that once I switch, I feel I have no control of my actions or what I say - because it's not me who's doing it.

It's so hard to explain and I am so confused. I've had a bad year, and after being in an elated mood since last Saturday, (possible due to the sertraline Ive just started) I found out last night I'd been a victim of fraud and they have bankrupted us (long story).

I felt the switch coming on, it's like I had all this nervous and overwhelming energy inside me, my heart felt funny, I told my partner I didn't feel right, and then it happened. I can hardly recall any events, but when I do it's like I'm looking at myself from outside of my body - as you can imagine its almost impossible to imagine yourself in someone else's shoes who hold different ideas and beliefs about the world (if that makes sense?)

My partner told me that I was babbling on that I needed to die right there and then, then i had a panic attack then I wanted to cut and i was trying to convince him it was the right thing to do. He was talking about my daughter and i remember being confused because id forgotten i had a daughter? He kept me in the bedroom and wouldnt let me out of his site. Then I frantically started tidying the bedroom, I folded all the clothes upon to little neat piles on the floor, then wanted to iron them all but he wouldnt let me. Then I exhausted myself and finally fell asleep.

I'm so tired today, I've been napping all day and I'm in bed now, I still don't remember much. I barely remember the clothes folding. I've done this before but on my own and had no one to stop me and it's not been pretty. I'm scared of what's happening to me, I have big gaps in my memory from the multiple times this has happened to me since my early teens. Is this a sign of mania? I'm not sure what's going on if anyone could give me some insight to this? Sorry for babbling! Xx

[pegasus]

Sounds like dissociation, this forum may be of help Dissociative Disorders but it may be a good idea to discuss this with your therapist.

[x_BabyG_x]

I've been reading up on dissociative identity as that's the only way I can describe it. Mixed n with the bipolar thing the whole situation is one scrambled mess and I'm very confused about it. However, I know I've possibly been hypomanic for the past 5 days too, I was even thinking of cancelling my therapy and I cancelled a doctors app yesterday - I've done this before I just get overconfident and believe my life is great lol. Luckily I've snapped out of it now. I have only been getting 5-6 hours a nights sleep too and I've dropped my usual naps. But this switch I feel has come about time and time again, whether I'm in a paranoid crazy mess or whether I'm in such a good mood it's like its too overwhelming, I can't control it and it slips out of my hands and in to this other person.

God help me if I have a genuine alter, having multiple personalities is not what I need right now! I've always felt I have a distorted sense of identity,

I will let me T know about this when I see him next week, providing I don't slip in to the 'everything is fine, my life is brilliant' mind.

[possum220]

I dont know how you communicate with your doctor and how much information is being passed on. Maybe you would find it easier to write things down as they happen each day and then pass it along to the doctor. That way they can get a very clear idea of what is happening for you.

[ultramar]

You can be prone to dissociation, without it being full-blown DID, which would be at the extreme of the spectrum. I see you're diagnosed with BPD -I understand that dissociation is actually quite common in BPD, especially as a coping mechanism.

It sounds like you get overwhelmed my stress and are finding any way possible to cope with it (including self-harm and overdosing). The changes in your cognitive thinking may be part and parcel of this --but it does sound quite complicated.

It doesn't necessarily sound like mania in that the behavior you exhibit seems to be consistent around the theme of harming yourself in different ways -perhaps you have dissociated why you are doing these things (self-loathing, punishing yourself, and/or trying to numb your emotions, for example)?

Extreme mood swings are common in BPD, including being 'up' which after being very depressed can feel like elation, or something close to it. 'Mood swings' tend to be common in BPD (don't last long), whereas bipolar disorder is characterized by 'mood episodes' that last for weeks or more, and in which, something good or bad happening in one's environment, once in an episode, is unlikely to get you out of it. Medication, though, does help with BPD mood swings for some people.

I would definitely discuss this with your providers and the possibility of dissociation. Learning grounding techniques, staying in the moment, etc. may be very helpful.

I'm sorry you're suffering so much -best of luck.

[lizardlady]

BabyG, I've heard people describe a manic episode the way you said you were acting. I've also had people tell me they did not remember what they did during the episode. Please talk to your pdoc and therapist.

[wisedude]

Well it sound partially like Borderline Personality Disorder to me, but could also be Bipolar from how you describe it.

The disassociation could be part of either of these illnesses, or may be something separate in itself.

Substance abuse of any kind could make your problems a lot worst, including abuse of prescription drugs like benzodiazepines

[wisedude]

Just to add. If your beliefs become extremely extreme such as especially paranoid or grandiose, then that may indicate that psychosis is coming into play and that would likely be due to Bipolar