[Vibe]

I was wondering if anyone has ever experienced anything like this before.

I'll summarize the first part since it's not really important. I became involved in some things which pretty much took all my time and attention for several years. Eventually, without realizing it, I began to define myself by these things. For the past few years I've also been under an extreme amount of stress. About eight months ago, the things which I relied on and came to identify myself with all fell apart. At once. Overnight.

Everything that I was disappeared. It took losing these things to realize that I had lost my inner self long ago, but having such an extreme void was too much at once. The burgeoning sense of self which I was only just realizing I needed to get in touch with didn't have time to grow and fill and replace everything which had fallen out. I only had a brief sense of my actual self. Everything else was nothingness. Most of our world is really defined by our perception of it - our minds and their interpretation of things rather than the things themselves. I had nothing to filter reality with. That's when I think the real ego death experience occurred. "I" ceased to exist.

This was an incredibly painful experience. I had some of the most severe mood swings of my life. I wasn't even a person. I'd grasp onto things and take on personality traits like a costume for short periods before grasping onto something else. It was like being dead - like being nothing - but still existing in a living body. There was also very little emotional control. I couldn't think things without saying them. I really do feel like I died during this experience. There was no mental structure to handle the stress and difficulty of it either.

Something else happened after. I've been improving, but in stages. Looking back, at the beginning I was like an infant. I didn't know how to handle stress and I acted out whatever came to me. There was a lot of stress too, and I almost got myself in pretty big trouble a couple of times. Then the nothingness stopped being a void and it became more solid. I was an existing being with the most basic sense of self, but I had zero preconceptions. I gained some basic emotional resilience and things were what they were. The immediate moment was all that existed, and I was the only being in the world. I spent a lot of time doing really simple things that were enjoyable - simple games, for instance. Walks outside. Life was fresh and new in a way that I can only dimly remember as a very young child.

Now I'm starting to think a bit more concretely. I feel like I'm somewhere around middle to late childhood/early adolescence, although I can only see it very well in hindsight. It takes a couple of months to go through each stage. As I progress, more of the inner me is coming out. I'm rediscovering things which I always enjoyed. However, it's different too. Almost like the same soul reincarnating in a new existence.

There are some very interesting features that I'm now noticing. The first is that my anxiety is pretty much gone. I used to have severe problems with anxiety. Now, nothing gets to me. I've been in a couple of life threatening situations lately, and they didn't make me nervous either. I still get sad but a lot of the depressive features have been replaced by whatever stage my mind happens to be in. These are things I've dealt with all my life. Suddenly life is more what I choose. It's as if the void opened up a fresh canvas, and by focusing on certain things, I get to create what I want myself and my life to be. However, it is usually my old interests that come to me. I still enjoy the same things I always did before. I just exist in a new way.

I'm curious if anyone has ever had these experiences before? Either the complete and total loss of self, and/or the recreation of a sense of self by going through stages of child development? Is there much research on it? It has been an extremely bizarre experience.

[Inedible]

Sounds like what Eckhart Tolle described experiencing ( http://www.eckharttolle.com/ ). He tends to talk really slow on his audiobooks, which is why I don't listen to them very often, but he does make some good points. He sad he had reached a point where he just plain couldn't stand to live with himself anymore. He was ready to completely give up. Then it hit him that he wasn't sure who the self was he couldn't stand being around and who it was who couldn't do the tolerating. He was no longer even sure of who he was exactly. He talks about the way this was resolved for him and the impact it had had.

[Vibe]

I actually downloaded a couple of his books the other day, although I've only gotten a few pages into one of them. I stumbled on a few youtube videos which helped me put things in perspective and move on. One of them mentioned his books, so I looked him up. Gotta love synchronicity!

[axinite]

Wow, I can totally relate to your experience. I recently became totally detached from the self. I am currently in treatment, trying to regain my ability to feel emotions. It's far easier to not have the burden of feeling heavy emotions, however it make existence somewhat of a nuisance, nothing is really enjoyable anymore. I can no longer feel 'love' or 'hate' and believe that any feeling or emotion is simply an illusion, despite the fact that I did once experience these emotions. It definitely changed my mindset, feelings controlled and filled my life, I now feel like there is a big empty space that I don't care to fill. I feel extremely apathetic/dysphoric, and have a difficult time setting goals for myself since nothing feels rewarding or worth the effort.

My doctor recommended regular psychotherapy/talking therapy. You might want to give that a try if you haven't already. I wish you the best of luck. I believe it can get better, at least I'm hopeful! So hang in there. Thanks for posting, it was interesting to read.

X

[FooZe]

Originally Posted by Vibe

I only had a brief sense of my actual self. Everything else was nothingness.

Meanwhile, who had that brief sense of your actual self?

Originally Posted by Vibe

I'm curious if anyone has ever had these experiences before? Either the complete and total loss of self, and/or the recreation of a sense of self by going through stages of child development? Is there much research on it? It has been an extremely bizarre experience.

I imagine you've heard of the "law of set and setting". I think it applies a whole lot to what you're describing. Basically, you're going to respond very differently to the same experience depending on how you're "holding" it: as a problem or symptom, for example; or as some sort of spiritual attainment; or as just what happens to be so for you at the moment.

If you'd sought out the experiences that you're describing by means of some meditation technique or even drugs, for instance, you could be saying, "Wow, this is powerful stuff, look at what's coming up for me! I'm free of what I used to call my 'sense of self' and I'm even going through stages of child development! Wait till I tell my friends/guru about this!"

Alternatively you could be saying in the very same situation, "Omigod, what a lousy trip this is! I've lost my sense of self, I'm going through stages of child development, and I'm afraid my mind is falling apart!"

Personally, I've done best moving through weird spaces when I've managed to let go of where I thought I was supposed to be, and just kept noticing where I was -- pretty much the way Eckhart Tolle recommends, too.

You're identifying some of what you experience as "stages of child development". Let me suggest, though, that that just happens to be what you've chosen to call them. It's your experience and you can call it anything you choose (obviously ). One easy way to get into distress, though, is to decide that it has to mean something, whether good or bad. If what you experienced were different from what the textbook said children were supposed go through, that would not mean you were doing it wrong. If, on the other hand, you went through all the stages exactly the way the textbook said, that would not mean you were guaranteed to live happily ever after, starting immediately.

[Onward2wards]

Someone else has experienced this too!?

It's like rebooting your mind. I don't feel it is a particularly pleasant experience. I am hoping some positive growth can come from it.

[allimsaying]

> I'm curious if anyone has ever had these experiences before? Either the complete and total loss of self, and/or the recreation of a sense of self by going through stages of child development? Is there much research on it? It has been an extremely bizarre experience.

I can relate to this. I haven't met others in person, but I have read about it here at PC a bit. Uncomfortable, bizarre, both good descriptions. Near complete loss of personality. Older now so I can point to some causes. Having the floor disappear beneath me at a young age seems to be my cause. Begain in mid teens. Back to infant stage. Knew words but couldnt form meaningful sentences with them. Ongoing rebuilding. Difficult. Slow, slow progression back to self identity. A lot of heart break and confusion. Still manage to work and function with few knowing but odd relationships. Life seems not all it could be, or should be and I always feel like I can get over this hill, that things can still return to normal. Serious bouts of depression. Now 30 plus years of it.

[kvinneakt]

Look up the Buddha's teachings on Anatta. That tradition has mapped out this phenomena extensively, or something very similar.

I am in the midst of this experience now. I am not finding it pleasant.

Anatta and the Four Noble Truths: Insight Meditation Center