[rewireme]

First, sorry for the long read.

Hello. This is my first time joining a forum. Any thoughts and comments are welcome (especially from a professional). Maybe someone can tell me which forum would fit me best.

Well, currently I am a 37 year old female, happily married, no children, no plans of having children, doing a masters in science, and a registered professional in the natural resources industry. I have a supportive family (although not without their own issues), a supportive husband, good friends, and a lifestyle that most cannot afford. I know this all sounds wonderful. As I write this, I wonder what the hell I am doing here. But, alas, here I am!

I experience a variety of mental issues. It is hard to apply a label, as these issues vary in type and intensity for everyone. If I were to write everything I can think is wrong with me (yes, I know, a negative choice of words), I would provide a list as follows:

Diagnosed with OCPD. My obsessive characteristics focus around my belief that I should be perfect and successful and better than the general public. I hold myself to unrealistic standards, which I obviously cannot live up to and fail at miserably. This ends up causing an episode of depression upon failure, convincing myself that I am not accepting the reality of my limitations and that I should do things within my competence level. This pattern causes mood swings. It also affects my relationships with co-workers and authority figures. I tend to think things should be done my way, for whatever reason. I have left my past 3 jobs for this reason. I wanted to leave before people wanted to fire me, but in many cases, I am aware that people have been glad to see me go. I know this to be true, because at least some people were honest with me about this. They have also indicated my problems of inconsistency in performance, not finishing jobs, inability to focus and complete boring but important tasks, and my swing in performance from being dependable to carry out a job, to not being able to finish a task. I also have OCD tendancies, skin picking being the most problematic.
Mood swings
Depression, especially before my period (sorry to gross the guys out). The glass is always half empty.
ADD - I have never been formally diagnosed, but my family history and past academic record strongly supports ADD. I have recently started taking Concerta for this and my family doctor and I are working together to see what dose will work best for me. In this area, as a young adult, my OCPD (not as bad then as it is now) actually helped my ADD. I realized that I could not focus and never really learned to focus through grade school. I forced myself to focus and apply myself. It took me a lot longer to learn, but I did it. I ended up being in the top 5% in many of my university classes for a few years. But as usual, I could not maintain this. I would go from, as usual, one extreme to another - doing extremely well, to not being able to apply myself at all. It was and is very frustrating.
Social anxiety - I have gone through periods in my life where this has taken over, and other periods where I am an extreme extrovert. I have changed personalities to the extreme over my lifetime. Each change never creating a life balance, but an extreme towards one or the other. An active social life leads to not being responsible; being responsible leads to strong OCPD characteristics and shutting myself off from the world. I cannot exist with a balance and trying is all but killing me. I am now in a stage where I continue to shut myself off from my friends and worklife. I avoid situations which I believe will reveal my incompetence to my work friends and my close friends, even family. More and more I find I avoid leaving the house, constantly in fear of people finding out who I really am.
Superiority complex. It's funny to add this with all of the obvious lack of self confidence I have. But I guess my OCPD causes me to judge not only myself, but others. I judge others for things which are unreasonable by other people's standards, and for not meeting my expectations, which I cannot even meet myself.
Bitterness, mean towards others - as a result of all these issues, my happiness diminishes and I find I am bitter and resentful towards my friends and others (excluding my family and husband). I am jealous of others for being better than me in any respect I value and I am sure it shows, as many of my friends are observant. I am writing to this forum bc I am looking for honesty. This is not something you get commonly from others, even your friends. My friends are "professionals". By that I mean, they believe being diplomatic, not offering negative or frank opinions, and minding their own business is the proper way (or their preferred way) of helping, offering advice (or not helping at all and happy to be oblivious).
No interest in sex. My poor husband is so patient. I have absolutely no interest in sex. I try to tell myself it will make him happy and hope that motivates me, but it doesn't work. I find sex a chore and disruptive. I feel as it distracts me from controlling my ADD and doing my work. I tend to think it is a waste of time and it is not productive. There is no time for sex or fun activities really, when there is work to be done. Whether it be house work or professional work.
Anxiety - obviously related/caused by my OCPD (which runs in my family). I find as I get older, I am less effective at dealing with stress. It causes me to resent others who I believe cause my anxiety and effects my relationships with friends, and especially co-workers and authority figures.
Poor memory. This frustrates me to no end. I cannot remember what I have learned, no matter how hard I have tried to understand it and have reread it. My belief is that if I work to understand, rather than memorize, I will retain that information. While that worked as a young adult for a short period of time, I find now I cannot retain any information. This makes me anxious about my "life balance", bc unless I completely immerse myself in one thing (letting my social life, relationships and responsibilities suffer), I will never learn it and retain it. It is harder now, as an adult, bc I no longer have the strength and motivation to immerse myself and I find I am easily defeated and give up. I get depressed and end up watching tv, or even staring into space, wasting time and not being productive.
Occasional wishes to live in an unrealistic world, such as a mythical idealistic world. I find it helps me get lost and forget, but when I realize I am wishing for the impossible and tell myself what real life is like (which is all the things I hate about it), I feel lonely and depressed. I should add, and strongly emphasize, despite all this, I NEVER feel suicidal. I never think about killing myself. I guess I always hold some hope things will get better. However, it has crossed my mind in fleeting thoughts that if I were to die suddenly for reasons out of my control, it may end a lot of this anguish.
Over-analyzing - I find I wonder what people are always thinking, trying to guess their thoughts - especially about me. The problem is, I am quite observant, and I think I am right most of the time. I just wish people could be honest about their thoughts.
I believe, as child, if I were in the company of a professional in psychology, these characteristics would have been obvious. My parents however, as great as they are, are not educated and had no means of finding help early. This is unfortunate, as I think addressing these issues early is key. The older you get, the harder it is to change. This increases my frustration, only compounding the problem.

The worst thing about all this is I know what my problems are and I can tell you the text book way to solve them. I know it is "mind over matter", "fake it until you make it", "just make the change", "practice cognitive behavioral therapy", "change your outlook", "get involved"....but I don't believe in these anymore, and I am sick of how hard it is to change and stay changed.

Anyway, to end this blurb, I ask that someone...anyone! add thoughts, comments, or if you can relate, or a professional opinion. I have seen a therapist, who embodied all the diplomatic and reserved traits which frustrate me. I found that it was no help. I am looking for honesty. Not just about me, but about life. What I should accept about it and what I should try to change. Just a note, I find "the positive outlook" and positive reinforcement patronizing and unrealistic. This view comes from a person who does not understand mental anguish and it only belittles my problems.

Thank you for reading
Rewireme

[possum220]

Have you ever tried to let go and just have some fun? The only suggestion I can make is try and find another therapist, one that you can feel comfortable with, so you can stop white knuckling it through life. Life is hard enough. You are a perfectionist. There are a lot of us around. You are wound up so tight.

What do you think would happen if you just let go.......................?