[Jig778]

24 year old female:

I wrote this list for a psychologist but I want some input:

I think I hate everyone.

It's hard for me to maintain / keep relationships except for my boyfriend but I think that's only because he's the same as me. He's socially weird.

I pick my face obsessively like I can't leave my face alone.

Everything has to be perfect or I freak out.

It's really hard for me to trust anyone or trust anyone to do anything that I need them to do because I feel like they'll mess it up.

I'm obsessed with NOT failing. Failure whether it's a test or anything is like an unbearable thought to me.

I clench my mouth and my teeth a lot.

I feel like I'm really self conscious and I look like I'm a mean person a lot.

I look at people and I want to be nice when I meet their eye and smile at them but it just feels too weird.

I can't even say good morning or hello to my parents or my boyfriends parents in the morning because I'm so weird. And all I can feel is that they think I'm weird.

I feel like my friends will all just stab me in the back if I tell them any of my secrets or anything about me- so I don't have real friends.

I hate to study and do my homework and Id just rather be doing something creative. Like painting something or making something or buying flowers and planting them in the garden. It's like the only thing that makes me happy. That and singing.

I hate everyone I went to high school with and I feel like I don't even want to be in this town with them anymore.

I feel tired a lot. Like I don't have motivation or energy for a whole day. But I workout for at least an hour everyday.

Deep down I hate my nose and my skin even though I know they're not THAT bad. But it just messes with my perfection thing.

I used to hate how fat I was until I couldn't take it anymore and lost 30 pounds and I still feel fat. And just... Gross

I study other people and point out their flaws in my head --- personality flaws mostly , behavioral flaws.... It's like I want to find them annoying so I look for something to substantiate that.

I don't know how to have a conversation, small talk is seriously the worst thing ever for me like i feel so uncomfortable.

I don't like to go out and do things like go to bars and I don't like to drink but I feel like that makes me boring and old and antisocial so I do it and then have an anxiety attack the next day repeating every word of every conversation I had to everyone in my head wondering what people think of me

I don't want to care what people think of me

I never let anyone on social networks or anything know how I feel because I feel like I should put on this "I'm the perfect person" happy front so that I don't look like a total weirdo.

I can't even pose for a picture in a crowded place for fear of what people will think.

I never get in anyone's way or try everything I can not to annoy people because I feel like I have to be perfect and never have anyone say anything negative about me.

And then I realize all of these things about myself and it makes me double crazy because I'm smart enough to know what I'm doing is stupid and not normal and so I can pretend but I'm so tired.... And I know that people think I'm pretty they tell me all the time (like girls will invite me to clubs but I feel like it's just so I can get them into VIP & guys tell me I'm gorgeous all the time!). I know I must look like an awesome person on the outside but on the inside I'm all messed up mentally and I just want to be normal.

Also I'm scared of dying and I feel like drugs/medication will make me unhealthy and give me all these problems and kill me.

I'm just ... Tired.

P.S. I'm in law school and the stress is just making all of this that much more difficult and I don't know what to do anymore.



I go on these forums and I feel like I'm a little of everything. What's wrong with me???? And can this all be fixed with medication?

[avlady]

you just need to learn how to be yourself, i really don't see anything bad about you, especially at your age i think alot of us went through the same type of thoughts and actions, whether they would admit it or not. you certainly seem to have good articulation on this matter and it is good you can put it in words so if you wanted to talk to a doc or T you've already got a head start. i am not sure you would even need meds. I grew up thinking alot like you, I'm 52 now so i can say in my case i came out stronger and healthier emotionally. I wish yu luck!!

[CSSKH1]

I read your post and the words keep jumping out at me.." I pick my face all the time..." So do I!! I heard once that it was part of an anxiety condition and associated with OCD.. idk, if thats true but I seriously get a major relief when I can do it for hours... Im sorry for your frustration and saddened by your tiredness.. i feel like giving up almost daily. Hugs

[here today]

Does this help?

Developing a New Understanding of Shame | Sex and Intimacy

I think it's fair to say that you belong here at PC, if that helps.