[Britneigh]

I'm not sure what is "wrong" with me, but its been a long term struggle for 12 years with no answers. I don't like when people say a person is "sick" because they have issues, though it is considered a disease. It's just a pet peeve of mine. Back on track. Depression has been a big thing in my life, multiple suicide attempts, SI, alcohol use, drug use, impulsiveness with spending etc, promiscuity. When they do a diagnosis check list, its more checked than unchecked. But I'm the only one to blame of why I don't have answers or a strategy. I have moments where I will have a break down, and go off the wall and hurt myself in some way and be ready to get help because I'm scared, then its like a switch goes off as I'm in the hospital or whatever and I feel better and I can talk myself out of anything. I will say I can be manipulative when I want to be, not proud of that. My life has been a cycle of lots of ups and downs, a constant chaos. My parents sent me to a lot of therapy to "talk through my issues" because they kept saying I could fix it...that I just was sad. One Social Worker I saw said if she had to give a diagnosis she would say Borderline Personality. But it wasn't a concrete answer.

Recently though, I have reached my breaking point, and even though I am in a "I feel better" state, I know I need to get help. I took things quite far with a bad break up and cut the deepest I've ever in front of that person, which I am mortified of now. Again, the switch went off and I got stitches and went on my merry way so to say. I went home and drank a ridiculous amount, no SI because I didn't have any space (it was that bad). A week later after a freak out on said person (who was still helping me try to get my life together even though I traumatized her) and ignored them when they came to visit so I could get a health card, then freaked when she left. Two days later I overdosed on OTC medications, ripped open stitches, and tried to drown myself after sending out a lengthy suicide note to close friends and family. I was just so tired of hurting people that I needed out. Note was read by same poor traumatized friend, called my roommate who pulled me up. Back to the hospital, where this time I try and stay and get help, because I am scared, tell them I'm still suicidal etc and they sent me home with a hotline number and tell me to use my coping techniques. Unfortunately in Canada inpatient help (which is what I feel would be best, because no matter what kind of day I'm having, I have to deal with things, whereas with counseling I tend to fluff things when its okay, and then crash) is hard to come by, there are waiting lists and such. I'm new to the system, so I'm figuring out how to get the help here. That was two weeks ago now, I've struggled a lot to maintain stability with a few moments of lack of control, but I tried to call hotlines and such to keep things safe. I've admitted a lot of faults, and really coming to terms with some of the behaviors I have had and am really admitting how much of a problem I really have. I've let go of the fear of not wanting to be "sick" and admitting that its okay not to be okay. For the last few days I've been fairly stable, I'm using this time to try and make plans to get help and treatment, prepping for the crash and trying to make it less explosive. Overall, I really struggle, but I'm trying to push myself to recovery. To try and get that stability in my life that I so long for. I'm taking the steps because I have trapped others in this **** that has been my life for so many years, who have to sit by and watch me destroy myself. I dragged someone who I care about deeply down to my bottom, and turned her life upside down because of my instabilities. Luckily, we are still talking, though I make it known that I won't be anymore apart of her life than she wants me, and we will work on rebuilding things as I figure out things with myself. I know I can't do this anymore...but I am so scared of what lies ahead.

What makes me feel more stuck than anything is the fact that I feel like I can't get help. I was in tears in the ER telling them I need help, that I was still suicidal, that I wanted to die and they sent me home. I was on the phone with the stupid hotline, crying because I was tired of fighting myself, tired of trying and they said to just call back if it was too much. I feel like I'm not worth getting help...because really, why should people care when the people who are PAID to care don't even care. I just feel stuck, and sad, and just stuck. I want to get better...but don't know how