Self-Identifying as a diagnosis, not as a person.

I think I have realized emotionally what I have realized for a while intellectually -- that as soon as I ended up in a psych program, I completely lost all sense of self-identity as anything but "a mental patient". I so completely fixated on that label that I felt that the entire world knew I was "a mental patient" and judged me harshly as a result of that. A true feeling of wearing the scarlet letter, taken to the extreme.
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I am so done with that. I have had a lot of positive accomplishments in the interim 17 months, personally, professionally. All I have ever done, though, is diminish them in my mind, to the point that I end every positive thought with "but, remember, you are just a mental patient." As if that status alone, having a diagnosis, somehow put me on the lowest level of the ladder of society.

I may have related this in other threads -- I had the worst day last Thursday. I had an out-of-office appointment in the morning, and instead of going back to work, I drove around, too fast, on the snowy Michigan Freeways, going first west and then turning around and going East, halfway across Michigan and back to the starting point, and then beyond far to the East, almost to Canada.

And, while driving around, I came as close as I have in this entire period to repeating a previous mistake - I was seriously looking for a place to buy a shotgun, with the intent of using it very soon thereafter to put myself out of my misery. And yes, I have had explicit suicidal thoughts -- method, location, time of day, down to the details of what clothes I would wear, what I would have for a "last meal", and so forth. And, that frightens me. Because, half of me wanted to die, and half of me wanted to live.

But, when push came to shove, that afternoon did me a lot of good. Because, I really, really dug deep to question where I had been, where I was, and where I might be going. To continue down the path of insanity is ... insanity. I glimpsed that world in the day hospital program, in support groups afterwards, and it is not the way I want to live my life. But, it could be become a self-fulfilling prophecy if I don't get my act together.

Finally, I came to ask myself this one question -- am I more than my diagnosis?

Do I have to forever be the crazy man with PTSD, depression, and anxiety? Is that carved in stone? Will society always judge me solely on whatever diagnostic codes appears in my medical records? Am I truly so much living garbage in the eyes of society just because I have mental health issues?

NO! I can't accept that. It's not fair. And probably not very accurate any more. There was a time, a very long time ago, that mental illness usually meant "lock then away and throw away the key". Some people no doubt still harbor that viewpoint, prejudice. But I think most do not.

I started something new this weekend -- triathlon training, as part of a team at my gym. I don't want to think of myself as "Johnny, mental patient." I want to be "Johnny, paraprofessional. Johnny, triathlete. Johnny, friend. Johnny, son, brother, uncle." In fact, maybe just Johnny without any label at all. I just want to be me again.

And, the thing about that is, I thought that it wasn't up to me -- that I had lost any right to define myself, that I had lost my rights in general, because of this. Like I was no longer a person, no longer a citizen, no longer a member of society.

So, driving around, I came to the conclusion that, if I want to live, I just can't go there any more. The reality of my life is that no one who knows about what happened has held it against me, and that people like me, respect me, and want to be around me. I don't think they really care if I spent time in a psychiatric program.

So, I'm going to try my best to totally shut out the voice in my head that says "you will never be anything but a mental patient". And to bring forward the one that says "wow, look what you did! Amazing!"

This is a nice post MJ. You should print it off and keep it somewhere at home where you'll see it often.

I've always identified with my diagnosis/problems... I accept that they're a part of me. But that's it - a PART of me. They don't make me, and I actively try to defy them if I don't like what my brain is saying.

I also refuse to be defined by other things. Lately, for me, people seem to keep trying to define me by my job. Yes, I love my job. Yes, there is so little going on in my life that I'm pretty much living my job. But I will NOT live for work and I will not define myself by it. I am not "Panda the teacher" anymore than I am "Panda the bipolar".

They're two aspects of myself. There's also "Panda, the writer", "Panda, the traveller", "Panda, the scientist", "Panda, the geek", "Panda, the hiker" "Panda, the organizer" etc etc. No one part is ME but together they make me. Sometimes one part will be in the driver's seat, but it's never like that for very long.

You should make yourself a collge with all of the different parts of you. Make sure they're all the same size and then you could remind yourself of that!

I agree with you both. A label is merely a label. You are not you're label. You are a person with both positives and negatives like everyone else. I think most people can do with a little mental health aid, not saying it's always meds or anything else. Just whatever helps you.

Knowing that now is so freeing!

Someone told me a while ago...You are not your diagnosis! I try and remember that and tell others. Though I do slip back in my old thinking now and then. Staying in the moment helps me more than anything. If I start to think of what I could have been or what I might be I get lost scared and angry. Stay in the NOW! I wish you the best with your triathlete training.

I don't see myself as just my various diagnoses, that would be a bit ridiculous. However all that is part of me and based on my life experiances so i am not completely seperate from that either.

Thanks for the kind words. I'm back down in the dumps over this. Having a couple of bad days, actually.

If all I will ever be in my mind or to the real world is a psychiatric patient, that is too much, I can't stand it on principle or in practice. Game over.

If I am still me, someone with value, someone people like and respect, who will be treated as an equal, not treated in a condescending manner, then I'm good to go.

I know it's irrational. I know it's paranoia. I know it borders on being a persecution fantasy, for lack of a better term.

It seems so grossly unfair - to be sick, traumatized, whatever is bad enough. To be punished for it is reprehensible. Even if it is only in the abstract, even if it doesn't affect me personally, ever, it bothers me deeply, because I have always believed in justice, personal equality, personal dignity. If people are treated poorly because of something not their fault, it speaks to how much further our society needs to go to make things truly equal.

I know, I have carried on for 16-17 months about this. I know all of you are sick of my rantings, please tell me to STFU if you like, I would totally understand.

I hate it, I hate everything about it, I feel so low, no one can help, Hopeless feeling.

Do you think people with psychiatric disorders is in some type of different world than us? I was the only one in my family who had psychiatric issues that admitted to them and went into therapy. There was so much stigma involved most of my family was told that I was disabled from a physical impairment.

I've been therapy a long time, and at some point I turned around at all the so-called normal people I knew. Frankly,they were messed up more than I was. They were just usually in denial about their problems. I mean I was weak coming from two alcoholic family members, etc., etc., etc.,? C'mon. Frankly, I think a lot of people with so-called emotional problems sometimes live more realistically than so many in denial. Do I like being depressed or other things? No, but I also don't discuss it much with people because so many don't live in the real world.

How in the world would anyone ever know anything about your diagnosis? That is nobody's business. The labels in your file may not even be accurate. It's not a science like getting results of a blood test (sometimes even those are wrong). It just goes to show you how many people are ignorant and lead such empty lives that they need to feed off of the gossip of your life. JMO. Try not to let their criticism get the best of you. You are just fine, repeat, you are just fine! I'm sorry this happened but I understand why you would be so upset. (((HUGS)))

Psychiatry can definitely cause harm. They did it to me for nearly 5 years and got away with it. Even though, that happened 15 years ago, I still go through periods of anger. I feel powerless to reclaim my name and clean my records of diagnoses that were lies. The experience is now deeply embedded in my soul. No matter what people say my soul will never be free from this. Nothing will free me from this.

Sorry about the lack of support. I don't know what to say except that you are certainly not alone.

MJ, I'm sorry that you find yourself down in the dumps again.

I think that you are pretty brave for facing down the things that bother you in your life and not wanting to be just someone who has a mental illness. I think that is good all by itself. Believe me, I have met too many people that are stuck in the rut of identifying themselves by their disorder, trauma, or illness. That is so sad because they will probably never move past it once it becomes the definition that they give themselves.

You seem to at least know that you want better for your life and that is not what defines you. Don't give up on that, keep pounding and I think eventually you will find more contentment.

A poem that I think you might be able to relate to: http://forums.psychcentral.com/creat...6-i-am-me.html

I identify very strongly with my bipolar diagnosis mainly when I'm symptomatic, as I am now with depression. When I'm stable, I view it as a diagnosis that I could identify more strongly with if I were to become symptomatic. I realize this because I was asymptomatic for so many years, and although I knew I had the illness, it was more of an aside than identifier.

Do you belong to any on-line groups for psychiatric abuse? Maybe it might help you feel like you have a little more power over your past abuse my working with others that have been abused as well.