[NatashaAdora]

Can someone relate?
I can't seem to fit in no matter what I do and I'm a really anxious person trying so hard to fit in and hide all my eccentricities.

I try different things: I act myself, weird as it is, and people think I'm rude. I try to be extra nice to people and I pass for a "people pleaser." I don't want either of this.

I'm self-diagnosed with having Asperger's Syndrome - self diagnosed because the place I come from people don't really know what that means and going to a psychiatrist is unthinkable - $200 for 20 minutes. I'll get broke and more depressed by the time my sessions are complete. I used to visit a psychiatrist at a government hospital. When I mentioned the possibility of aspergers he referred his books and after 10 minutes said "oh yeah, perhaps you have Asperger's."
The govt-paid doctors here - I don't know how they got to be doctors.

I graduated from journalism college last year. Took an extra year because I had to take a break-year during my 4-year course because of a heartbreak from the first guy I fell in love with. I couldn't just move on, I had to throw my hands up in the air, go into fits and cry in every public bathroom or under my bed. It was a funeral for me. Of course he didn't know any of this - I was "cool" when he dumped me. He dumped me because I was stubborn. I wouldn't text him every hour to tell him what I was doing, and I wouldn't stop hanging out with my friends whom he hate.

I'm actually (I swear) not a stubborn person. In fact I'm a masochist. For some weird reason I like to submit to men - stronger than me. But in this fantasy world of mine, these men are men of reason and they are angry for a right cause. I won't submit to my boyfriend telling me not to meet people because he's insecure. In my mind I felt it's his weakness and I stopped feeling attracted to him.

I didn't love him anymore, but when he left I felt empty and lost and couldn't just take it - my grades fell - I took a year-beak. Now college is done. I'm freelancing around because I cannot hold a steady job. I'm a writer.

I have flared up ambition, so I send my resumes around to every place possible. But the nightmare strikes when anyone calls me for an interview. Then I think up ways to avoid the interview. I fear so much that it hurts to breath. I was born with hyperhidrosis - a condition where my hands sweat like a river - it drips down - esp when I'm anxious or feeling hot. It makes my fears about interviews worse. When in an interview my hands drip, upperlips have bubbles of sweat on them and I keep wiping them out.

Forget interviews. I can't meet a non-regular friend or go to a normal chat session (with friends!) without sweating like crazy and acids growing in my stomach.

Forget meetings. I can't make a telephone call without writing down. "Hello, this is Nat..how are you." I write all this in paper and read it out. If anyone asks me an "out of place" question I sweat through the phone.. water drips through the phone-handle.

To make things more worse - I stammer. It was terrible stammering as a kid, but now I only stammer when I'm unsure of what to say. To avoid trouble I used to not talk in class. But I do talk - especially if something unjust is done / spoken to somebody - I find myself blabbering away in anger.

I feel like a mess. I can't fall in love with a normal person - I don't feel attracted to normal things that girls like about a boy. When I masturbate, I imagine something unjust happening to me - some guy unjustly slave-driving me and I am slaving away not because I love the pain.. why I don't know.

I'm a chain-smoker. I drink alcohol not because I like the taste, but to get high and feel better. I go to interviews half drunk - it works magic - I even get the job! In college I used to write my assignments in the night club - with drunk people dancing around me as I sit in a corner and get inspired to write articles.

I'm happy that I realize things are not normal, I just don't know what to do to change things.

[kaliope]

hi Natasha
sorry that things have been such a struggle. welcome to psych central. you will find that we have several forums where you can post about your concerns and receive feedback from other members. you will get a lot of support here. again, welcome.

[Sweet Pea]

I can't really relate to the things you have going on but I wanted to tell you that I joined this site 2 days ago and everyone here is very supportive; if you can access the chat rooms go to the emotional support room and there is usually always someone available to talk. If there isn't anyone in there just be patient go in and wait a few minutes someone will be around shortly to ask how you are doing; just let them know that you aren't doing so well and that you need someone to talk to. That's what I did; I told them that advice would be great but I just needed to talk to get things out of my system. Communication with someone whom is not judgmental does wonders therapeutically. Good luck with this journey they call life; I hope it turns into everything good you deserve.

Desperately Lost

Originally Posted by NatashaAdora

Can someone relate?
I can't seem to fit in no matter what I do and I'm a really anxious person trying so hard to fit in and hide all my eccentricities.

I try different things: I act myself, weird as it is, and people think I'm rude. I try to be extra nice to people and I pass for a "people pleaser." I don't want either of this.

I'm self-diagnosed with having Asperger's Syndrome - self diagnosed because the place I come from people don't really know what that means and going to a psychiatrist is unthinkable - $200 for 20 minutes. I'll get broke and more depressed by the time my sessions are complete. I used to visit a psychiatrist at a government hospital. When I mentioned the possibility of aspergers he referred his books and after 10 minutes said "oh yeah, perhaps you have Asperger's."
The govt-paid doctors here - I don't know how they got to be doctors.

I graduated from journalism college last year. Took an extra year because I had to take a break-year during my 4-year course because of a heartbreak from the first guy I fell in love with. I couldn't just move on, I had to throw my hands up in the air, go into fits and cry in every public bathroom or under my bed. It was a funeral for me. Of course he didn't know any of this - I was "cool" when he dumped me. He dumped me because I was stubborn. I wouldn't text him every hour to tell him what I was doing, and I wouldn't stop hanging out with my friends whom he hate.

I'm actually (I swear) not a stubborn person. In fact I'm a masochist. For some weird reason I like to submit to men - stronger than me. But in this fantasy world of mine, these men are men of reason and they are angry for a right cause. I won't submit to my boyfriend telling me not to meet people because he's insecure. In my mind I felt it's his weakness and I stopped feeling attracted to him.

I didn't love him anymore, but when he left I felt empty and lost and couldn't just take it - my grades fell - I took a year-beak. Now college is done. I'm freelancing around because I cannot hold a steady job. I'm a writer.

I have flared up ambition, so I send my resumes around to every place possible. But the nightmare strikes when anyone calls me for an interview. Then I think up ways to avoid the interview. I fear so much that it hurts to breath. I was born with hyperhidrosis - a condition where my hands sweat like a river - it drips down - esp when I'm anxious or feeling hot. It makes my fears about interviews worse. When in an interview my hands drip, upperlips have bubbles of sweat on them and I keep wiping them out.

Forget interviews. I can't meet a non-regular friend or go to a normal chat session (with friends!) without sweating like crazy and acids growing in my stomach.

Forget meetings. I can't make a telephone call without writing down. "Hello, this is Nat..how are you." I write all this in paper and read it out. If anyone asks me an "out of place" question I sweat through the phone.. water drips through the phone-handle.

To make things more worse - I stammer. It was terrible stammering as a kid, but now I only stammer when I'm unsure of what to say. To avoid trouble I used to not talk in class. But I do talk - especially if something unjust is done / spoken to somebody - I find myself blabbering away in anger.

I feel like a mess. I can't fall in love with a normal person - I don't feel attracted to normal things that girls like about a boy. When I masturbate, I imagine something unjust happening to me - some guy unjustly slave-driving me and I am slaving away not because I love the pain.. why I don't know.

I'm a chain-smoker. I drink alcohol not because I like the taste, but to get high and feel better. I go to interviews half drunk - it works magic - I even get the job! In college I used to write my assignments in the night club - with drunk people dancing around me as I sit in a corner and get inspired to write articles.

I'm happy that I realize things are not normal, I just don't know what to do to change things.

[saw_q]

well natasha,

don't panic with what happen. understand our self better.Study and mingle with friends here. in the end you will drive your self better. Keep positive ok? ...