A Beautiful Mind

I just watched A Beautiful Mind. It made me think about what it might be like to lose touch with reality. I have never had trouble distinguishing reality from unreality except for my negative thinking. It seems like it would be the scariest thing that could happen to a person. An aquintance once was scared to walk to go see her boyfriend at the jail. I had walked this same route before and had no trouble with it. She told me that her neighbors were jeolous of her. She ended up going into the hospital because she allegedly got "electronically locked" in her apartment by her landlord. Later, she tossed a letter out the window and ended up falling through the window while trying to retreive the letter. I had told her once that it must be scary for her.
I'm glad my mind just fantasizes about suicide at times, negative thinks myself goofy and worries a lot. I still can't get over how my T can normalize schizophrenia. She doesn't seem to ever be scared of losing her mind. I have always had a fear of losing my mind. I used to have a terrible temper and thought I was going to grow up to kill someone and go to prison. Then I thought I'd never make it through high school. I sat there through part of the show and stared at my bottle of anti-depressants. What does it mean to lose one's mind? Why are emotions so confusing? Why does one fear something for no apparent reason? A male customer came up to me and startled me. I reacted in a fearful way. I was standing in a scared way. He ask if I was okey. I said, "Yes." He ask his question. I answered his question. He ask again if I was okey. I said,"Yes." I wonder if he thought I was nuts. One time, my ex-boyfriend was in my apartment trying to find a place to stay for the night. I didn't want him to stay with me because I had been having trouble with walking up in the middle of the night and struggling to shut my brain up in order to go back to sleep. So, I planned to kick him out onto the street that night. I got tired of laying in the floor starring at the ceiling and feeling guilty for not being willing to let him stay with me. I finally got up and went for a short walk. I stopped and started hugging light pole. It had a nice groove to wrap your arms around. It felt kind of comfortable. A lady saw me crying and hugging the pole and ask if I had someone to call. I don't think I answered her. She threatened to call the police because she wanted to help me. I finally quit hugging the pole so that she would go away. I just wanted to cry and hug a light pole. It's not like I'm harming myself or anyone else.
Sorry about rambling. I just started rambling about my thoughts about the idea of what it must mean to be nuts. Am I nuts? I sometimes feel nuts. Why do I cry all the time? I have cried weekly for a whole year except for one week in February.
I started talking to a doctor around three months ago because my T hen pecked me into it. My doctor has left the practice. I have been in counseling for only a year. I am already on my second T and I will see my second psychiatrist next week. Am I nuts? I don't want my sweet T to leave me. She said that she has no plans to leave. I sounded like a little child asking my mom not to leave me. Why am I so attached to this woman?
I put a tear on my finger. So, now it's crying. I told my T that maybe I should try to have all my fingers cry at once. She said that might take a lot of tears. Now, I'm crying and laughing at the same time.
I've dried my tears. I think I might be trying to get a headache. As I told my first doctor. "If you don't like my mood, wait a few minutes." Well, I need to go to bed. Thanks for putting up with my rambling about my crappy, sucky life. Happy Thanksgiving.