Thoughts and why they terrify me.

I, like I imagine most people my age would do, have trouble concentrating, Specifically with school work. I get distracted easily, and with exams coming up soon It stresses me out and makes me feel like someone has tied weights to my heart and stomach.

But when i become distracted, it's not just because i'm bored and suddenly get overwhelmed with interest in a tree in the park next to the school. I daydream. That sounds, to me at least, harmless. But what I daydream about terrifies me both in and out of school. Sometimes I daydream about things that portray me like i'm some pseudo-hero and other times i daydream about things that would emotionally and physically scar me if they were to actually happen.

For example, today when coming home from school, I saw two fire trucks scream past our school and into the distance. They were followed by around six or seven ambulances. I was waiting by the bus stop outside of school when this happened and i assumed that there was probably a crash involving a bus or a pile up.

This is where i scare myself, i daydream about what i am about to talk about next all the time, I don't stop thinking about it but sometimes I catch myself afterwards and don't know what to think. Whether to be ashamed, angry, worried, etc.

When I got on the bus i completely disconnected from everything and thought...visualized... that I was in that crash. I stopped and noticed that (I was sitting at the back of the bus) there were five or so girls I "Know" from a few of my classes and thought about the crash again. This is where the pseudo-hero part comes in. I think about the bus being hit by a truck and flipping on its side, a fire starts near the front of the bus. I am awake but I am hurt, I was cut on some glass. I walk to those girls I saw earlier but they are all unconscious. The fire is spreading and i try to drag them to the back away from the fire, but the fire keeps spreading and getting closer and closer...

And this is when my stop comes and I get off the bus. When i got home, I went into my room and cried. These thoughts have been recurring for the better part of two years. The worst part is that they are usually much worse, e.g. me killing someone. I went to a school counselor for six weeks for depression, it went nowhere, but I couldn't bring myself to talk about this. I know they say "everything discussed stays with you and I unless I think your safety or the safety of others is in danger" and I can't let this get out to people close to me, especially my parents. I just can't.

I am terrified that I will one day not be able to distinguish my thoughts from reality. I don't know what's wrong with me or what i can do about it, but it scares the hell out of me.

PS - It has taken me two days to think over if i should post this or not, but i decided to go ahead as i am stuck

I have thoughts like that at times, Even more so when I am extremely irate or uephoric. I often have to step back, try and distract myself so I can Break the cycle before it escalates into me actually believing the thought is true myself. I play with my pets,read a book or watch a TV show I happen to like, even better if the show is NOT related to my thought or obsession at the time.

you do have to talk to a proper counselor this time. I think there is a big problem with telling anyone "I'm worried I might kill people", especially to police. You need someone who's ready to listen and not overreact on what you might say before you've finished saying it.

I used to do that kind of thing as a kid, my life was pretty much hell from my perspective, so I spent a lot of time just stuck in my own world and no it was most certainly not always pleasant. Also sometimes I have some trouble distinguishing dreams from reality...kind freaks me out a bit, but so far its nothing serious....just like I might try to figure out if I actually had a short conversation with a family member of if I just dreamed it. Not sure the solution but I kinda get what you're talking about.

Thanks, I am trying to find out a way of going to someone, minimizing how much my parents know.

I do the same thing all the time. I daydream about hurting others or other people hurting me. The latter has had made me afraid or uncomfortable around the people who hurt me in a daydream (but never did in real life). I don't really know what the solution is other than to just acknowledge the daydream is messed up, shrug, and move on. You likely just have a much better imagination than most people.

it seems like you're living inside of your mind. like, the mind is where you actually live. if you develop a grounding technique (something that will pull you out of your mental space and into the "here and now") that should help you. the other thing you can do is decide when and where it's okay to live inside, and when and where you have to live outside (the daily life, ground-level reality). you also will have to be aware of when you escape reality to go into mental space (stress, boredom and waiting will do that, it drives people inward). you have to catch yourself doing it because it can become such a habitual, normalized regularity of the daily routine. it's all that mindfulness stuff, and conscious awareness (instead of lulling around in a semi-conscious state).

grounding techniques are: a bangle bracelet (the noise will get your attention, keep you alert) or something like that. a notepad to take notes of observations you make (what triggers you to go inside, or what keeps you there, anything else you notice). date / date / time is a very effective "here and now" grounding...

as for the content of what you actually do inside, find your bliss. you probably go there often, but don't even know it. your mental landscape doesn't have to be catastrophic. you can play hero inside all you want, that's fine. you can dream up anything you want. you can travel the universe, heal the universe, heal humanity, you can look for angels... you can choose any of that. give yourself permission and allowance, just set boundaries for yourself.. when it's okay, when it's not. where it's okay, where it's not. if catastrophic, deadly stuff keeps happening, throw up a big STOP sign in your mind. then replace it with something amazing, like a roof-top party in the sunshine, with the people you most admire. train your brain to LOVE it's abilities, and use them to create whatever makes you look like this: or this: or whatever you want.