[elevatedsoul]

Does anyone else here feel like they are incapable of expressing what is bothering them? sort of like your subconscious wont allow you to give out any hints or ideas about what is causing distress?

Im just wondering if this is part of a disorder or maybe something entirely different on its own?
For me it just feels like anything i say to try to explain what im feeling is wrong and inaccurate which leads me to feel like im going to be treated for a miss diagnosed disorder.. I dont know why it feels so confusing, dark and gloomy.
I would just like to be able to explain whats bothering me so they can help!!

-Feeling trapped

maybe i've isolated myself to such an extreme for so long that i lost the capability

[pachyderm]

If the subconscious = superego = parent, then it might be reasonable that the "parent" does not want anything known, assuming the parent mistreated you and is now afraid of getting punished for it.

[Webgoji]

Personally, I would love to be able to talk about what I'm feeling without fear of backlash ...

[elevatedsoul]

maybe im trying to protect my parents from negative judgements, i dont feel resentment towards them even though the things we went through together were pretty bad...? i try to see everyone with a clean slate now so that the past mistakes dont cause future harm

but maybe im just creating an elaborate illusion that i think everything is ok when its not?

or maybe i blame myself for some of the things and dont want to believe it?

strange when confusion becomes the norm :/

[Frankbtl]

Hi elevatedsoul, I think that sometimes feelings can come from a real mix of different things that have gone on or are going on, so when you try isolating something "on it's own" it doesn't seem right BUT when added to other things then it can easily be a factor in how you're feeling.
Sometimes things you might not even have considered can add to things as well, so without looking for a pattern or "putting 2 and 2 together" you might not even realise it.
I guess maybe it's about being "real" with yourself about the things that have gone on and how they've effected you. I would always go against "bottling things up" inside you, so if things if things need dealing with much better to have them out there.
Of course sometimes if it's specific things causing your feelings you might not want to/be ready to face that they are effecting you so deeply and push away the possibility that they are causing you to feel like that.
Then maybe the way some people are brought up/socialise, teaches them (even subtly) that they "shouldn't": feel this way about......shouldn't speak about.......shouldn't think about.........you get what I'm saying, right?
JUST a few thoughts. But if you're really not sure about things bothering you, just be upfront about that with the professional involved, make sure you don't try to come up with reasons/explanations just because you feel you have to if you're not really sure as you're right, it could be misleading. Just throw everything/your feelings/your experiences out there and discuss. Once you start really expressing things they may become a little clearer to you and the professional as well.
It can take time to hit a diagnosis IF there is one, so a bit of exploration and see what happens.......?
Alison

[MotownJohnny]

I'm the other way... once the dam broke, there has been no keeping it in. I'll blather about my problems non-stop to a select, "safe" audience.

[elevatedsoul]

i guess its the PTSD... maybe i resent myself

I can't tell you why you do it. I think you are making progress anyway.

If somebody were to say to me "a penny for your thoughts" every thought flies out of my head. It's like the opposite of when somebody says don't think of your foot and you immediately become aware of your foot. That's the sensation. I think that I was taught not to express emotions. Nobody asked how I was doing or what I thought. Children are to be seen, not heard. If I did get upset (what kid doesn't) I was told things like your too sensitive or be quiet or go to your room. It was very unsafe to have thoughts or ideas. Therefore I learned to protect all that. That's my story. In answer to your questions yes I feel that way sometimes. It's probably a chicken and egg question as to whether it is part of the disorder.

I try writing them down but sometimes the thoughts leave before pen meets paper. Very frustrating!

Sent from my iPad using Tapatalk

[Frankbtl]

Hi, PTSD can certainly lead to you blocking some things out or "covering them up". If you have a good therapist though they should be trained to support you in gradually bringing some things to the surface at your own pace and in dealing with them. Just try to be open about things and allow yourself time to fully explore what's going on for you.
Alison

[elevatedsoul]

thanks, yeah i dont ever know what to say in therapy so i just randomly talk and try to avoid awkward silence

it just sucks that our minds can hide things from us - or even create false memories :/

i hope my therapist understands me, she seems really nice and like she knows whats goin on inside my head even though i havent told her everything?
might see if i can start seeing her once a week instead of bi-weekly, might help a little

[elevatedsoul]

Im relapsing on everything
i dont think i can make it through being sober..

the depression is very painful physically...

[here today]

Originally Posted by elevatedsoul

thanks, yeah i dont ever know what to say in therapy so i just randomly talk and try to avoid awkward silence

it just sucks that our minds can hide things from us - or even create false memories :/

i hope my therapist understands me, she seems really nice and like she knows whats goin on inside my head even though i havent told her everything?
might see if i can start seeing her once a week instead of bi-weekly, might help a little

I've been there, feeling like part of me is evil. Even went to an Episcoplian priest "exorcist" -- turned out he really believed in psychotherapy though he did exorcisms for those who really wanted only that.

As you probably know, the mind hides things to protect us, when we were in situations where it wasn't safe to know what we knew.

So, even if your therapist doesn't yet know everything that's going on inside your head (because she's not there), if it feels safe to be with her and she seems understanding when you try to tell her what (you think) is going on, then, yeah, maybe seeing her more frequently could help you get through this quicker. From my experience, it's not easy. But what other (good) options are there?

[Frankbtl]

Yes seems like a good idea to see her more often, and a REAL bonus that she understands you.
Sometimes you can see things, feel things, or pick up on things that are implied without actually hearing the words themselves, or maybe you're managing to be more open with her than you think which is why she knows a little more than what you've "told" her.
And sometimes nothing wrong with random talking or a bit of "free thinking" as it can lead you to things more important to you if you let it.
I really wouldn't worry about the silences though, they can be a big part of therapy. Giving you time to reflect and think about things going on for you or what you've said/come up with, and even give you time to think about expressing what you want to say next. Just make use of those silences if it helps.
And I'm sure your therapist doesn't find the silences awkward or uncomfortable either if you may have been thinking that (not if she's as understanding as you say ) ???
And you know I wouldn't worry if things aren't coming straight back to you, give yourself a little time to work through things at your own pace- don't pressure yourself on that!
As you're feeling more "comfortable" and "safe" there's nothing to say that they won't gradually surface a bit more. Just know that you're working towards it, and by starting to open up (which it sounds like you're doing) then you're definitely working towards it.
And hey, when things do become clearer you know you've got your therapist for support and that she's understanding you.
Alison

[elevatedsoul]

thanks,

yeah i think that maybe i am being more open with her than i realize, which isn't a bad thing.. and i dont know how she does it but seems like she has photgraphic memory of our last meeting? next appointment is monday, maybe im just begining to accept the help and moving forward though slowly like you said, i'll never give up but i wish it didnt have to hurt so much for so long sometimes

i hope i can change my medicines soon, i dunno how that works at the clinic im going to... i just know i see the pdoc for like 15 mins every 3-6 months i think..? and ive been getting worse even taking these meds, with the added anxiety of having to make appointments

feels like medicines just dont want to give me any relief, how do you not feel selfish when you feel bad? i know im minimizing but i just want a little relief... i feel like because im actively seeking help now everythings being thrown in my face, before i could just ignore it with the drugs and alcohol but now i cant ignore it and know i shouldn't ignore it and know that i can conquer them but yet feel so weak and powerless, i hate depression

[Frankbtl]

Yes, I'd say being open with her is good in fact being open is excellent (!!) so as much as.......!! But in your case being open with her is meaning being open with yourself too, which is why I'm saying take it at your pace and try not to pressurize yourself into "I should be remembering", "I should be at x stage by now". I know it's got to be really hurting/frustrating (?), making you feel less in control (?) but allow yourself time, it's worth working through this in the best way/most healing way for you even if it takes a little more time than you'd like. You've been through enough already in your life, why let it be EVEN harder on yourself by "trying to run before you can walk".
You know you're in a great position to see this through and came out on top anyway don't you? You've already sought help, you're being open with your therapist, she's the kind of person you seem to be able to have "bonded" with, and she seems to be really interested in helping/supporting you, and you ARE moving forward!!
As for the pdoc 15ish minutes every 3-6 months doesn't sound that long. Maybe you are already, but I'd write down everything that's been going on for you and any concerns you have beforehand so you don't miss anything out in that short a time. And then if your appointment runs over time, well.......he/she should have booked you in for longer shouldn't they Just make sure you say everything you want to say in it.
But medication can be a tough one can't it? Sometimes it can take a while to work as it needs to, sometimes you might need increases or add on's, sometimes you need to try a few changes/different ones until they find the right one/s for YOU. Sometimes it can be about trial and error but that doesn't mean that it isn't going to be worth it. Just make sure you're getting in EVERYTHING to your pdoc.
But the bit about not wanting to feel selfish when you feel bad, I know that that can sometimes be a natural instinct. but as long as you know you AREN'T actually BEING selfish, which you AREN'T, just remind yourself of that as much as you need to.
It's all about you at the end of the day, and it's YOU who matters!!!
Here for you
Alison

[elevatedsoul]

it is true i have to be moving forwards, i dont think there was any reverse where i was coming from! i do try to take notes on things that are going on with me so that i can bring it up in the meetings but sometimes i just cant find the courage to?
sometimes i just wanna hide but i know thats not progressive, i guess i feel ashamed too?

i try to remind myself that im not being selfish, i guess since im having these emotions it means im making some kind of progress, whatever kind it is as long as its progress
i appreciate the reply, today has sucked majorly for some reason im not entirely sure of.. just been extra depressed / anxious today

im not ever going to give up because life is a good story, just gotta get through the bad chapters to reach the good ones hehe

at first i was all against medication and didnt even want to take the zoloft that i had been on for a year, it hadnt helped any and my symptoms just kept getting stronger so i stopped that one under the advice of the pdoc but havent been put back on an ssri or snri yet - Rxed the cymbalta but i cant afford that.. no insurance...
i was excited to try cymbalta too as i read alot of differnt stories about it.. just never read that it was so expensive until i tried pickin it up at the pharmacy!

Im wondering if its a sign not to go back on the ssri/snri trips and try the TCA's.. if you arent crazy, going through this whole ordeal will drive you crazy

im going to take yet another letter in to my therapist on monday and try to discuss some of my notes.. but i just feel like thats not what im supposed to do in therapy? i honestly dont know what to do besides drag myself to the meetings
last time she had gotten her big book out and was reading some of the diagnosis to me talking about how i favored the social phobia and not so much the AvPD..
I just hate feeling like im burdening someone else though and always have problem speaking up and bringing out my notes in fear of embarrassment

I feel like im about to pull my hair out now :/ stress through the roof.. i think im gonna definitely shoot for weekly visits from now on so i can talk more atleast..
I hope thatits a good session and that i can talk to the others while im there about my medicine and maybe make an emergency change? i dont know why i am feeling so depressed but i know i just want to be happy and this pain to stop..

atleast we can get a little relief from each other here on psychcentral till then right? It helps alot knowing im not the only one, although its saddening, its nice not to be alone hehe...

[Frankbtl]

Hi, I'm thinking that a lot of things that have gone on for you in your life have been pretty much out of your control (haven't read everything, SORRY!!) but if you have done anything you'd "turn back the clock on" well......"cause and effect" isn't it!! If things were different for you........
And, I'd say ABSOLUTELY no reason to be embarrassed. By the sounds of it your therapist is doing what she's doing because she WANTS to help you, you said she's understanding, right? Tag on empathetic, which she REALLY sounds like to me.......and there you go!
The bit about her taking her book out and checking off diagnosis's though, possibly the "part of her job" bit? She does still seem to be seeing you as an individual as well, which doesn't equate to "burden"!!. Perhaps just tell her how that's making/made you feel?
But the ssri's, that's not necessarily a bad thing if there's something else out there that's going to help you, given time and exploration. Not particularly the best option if there are others, considering the side effects and precautions that can go along with ssri's. (maybe the best at the time, but........although I'm NOT a professional! ).
If you do need them after everything else then maybe a shorter course (?) because your therapy does seem to be going the "extra mile" in helping you work through this.
As for the notes for your therapist, sure if you find it easier without them that's a good thing, but if they help then it's a good thing you can do them too. Just more concerned about the short time with your pdoc so I would say DEFINITELY do them then!!.
The not knowing why the depression, I know, suddenly it's just there and..........?, right?
But you really sound like you've got amazing insight in focusing on/recognizing the road ahead, and one step/day at a time.
But no question! You're not alone!!
Here for you
Alison

[elevatedsoul]

thanks alot, yeah i learned young to prepare for the best and expect the worse; im not overly optmistic but nor pessimistic.. i try to keep it real and down to earth...
i really do like the "Team" i have at the clinic and hope i can expand the relationship with the nurse there soon since she spends so much time with the pdoc.. feel like she could help me get msg's across to him

i guess what i have to do is go through all my notes and summerize them into another informative paper, I try to be breif in the notes atleast..

i like the pdoc too i just wish i could talk with him more because i know he could understand me better if he gave me just 30 mins instead of 15, i have such high anxiety being in the room with 4 other people its really hard for me to speak up and voice my concerns.. i can feel them looking at me i get so anxious hehe

my therapist has told me that "its her job" and she doesnt mind, with added laughter, i try to keep it real with her and try not to go diving into a bunch of problems that i cant do anything about right now, and just focus on the moments right now and how i can make them better tomorow?

I got a 25mg seroquel from my mom but im concerned about taking it... the anxiety/depression pain is really bad today and i just feel like i need a little relief and she said that the serequel helps her sleep but the zyprexa barely does anything for me so 1. im scared of mixing the zyprexa with seroquel (even at 25mg) and 2. I dont wanna make the pain worse some how by taking something im not supposed to..?
is taking 25mg seroquel a bad idea ?

i appreciate you taking your time and replying, its really helped me get through the day

[elevatedsoul]

i didnt take the seroquel, didnt wanna mix drugs the APs

i did smoke some resin though, how am i supposed to stop smoking weed when its the only thing that gives me instant relief that lasts hours and only needs to smoke a little here and there maybe 3-5x a day to keep it at therapeutic level?
i quit drinking... but i don't know about quiting this plant, its saved my life throught my depression i sincerely believe

i dont see how something so easily obtainable could be illegal when it helps atleast me with my symptoms, if it helps me it should be able to help others? sucks to be a criminal over a weed that grows by itself.. whats next, coffee prohibition?

note: i dont use any other drugs anymore either, only the "herb"

edit: besides what doc Rx me of course

[Frankbtl]

Hi, I'd say you've gone a LONG way quitting other drugs and drinking!! That's amazing!!
I know it must still be hard at times without them though, and I'm reading weed is the one thing you have left to instantly help you.
But it would be better to replace those short term periods of relief with some longer term coping skills and improving things as your own person, right?
And I think you're actually starting to do that. I know it's got to be/is really hard sometimes but I do get "a real drive" to work through things/move forward in you. Do you think if you gave yourself a little more credit/recognition on what you can get through/have got through it might make you feel a little stronger in coping with the harder times as well.
Believe me, I do know that there's a whole LOT more to it than that but...........step by step and maybe just reducing the weed for now?? It may give you more opportunity to kick in with things that may help you longer term as well, because of course weed has possible links with depression, anxiety, paranoia for some people after a while.
I'd just not want to see it drag you down that way on top of the other things you've got going on for you
I can understand the anxiety with having other people in the room at your appointments though. A little bit "under the spotlight" hey? But just remember that YOU'RE the most important one in that room, they're there to try to help- it's THEM who should be "on their toes". It's all about you!!
And you know sometimes 4 heads are going to be better than 1, so throw in those concerns/worries,,,,,,,,,,,,and allow yourself to make use of their experience. Sure focus in on your pdoc if you can/want to because he's the one who's your main link but if the others can add anything then great. And push the time limits of 15 minutes, what you've got to say IS important, and I'm sure you've got a bit to say!!
Great you like your team though and absolutely make the most out of the support they're giving you!!

About the seroquel, not really sure about how much use/help it may have been in your position. Although you're absolutely right that mixing drugs/taking one's not prescribed to you can be quite a risk and what works for one person.........might be the exact wrrong thing for another person........So regardless VERY good decision not taking it.

Alison

[elevatedsoul]

yeah it really is a war of the worlds it feels like sometimes, but im an undying soldier and refuse to surrender
I told my therapist that i was mean to myself pushing myself so hard and she said she didnt like that word and we changed the word to "persistent"

the weed really is the only thing that i have (currently dont have) that has been able to help me through so much, but like you said i do want to invest more into long term fixes rather than short term..
im wanting to quit smoking the weed for now, atleast for a while so i can be clear minded and find a better treatment approach.. but its just been really difficult since nothing else seems to work and the part about me not drinking the sorrows away anymore, just seems to make it all the more challenging
I have reduced the ammount of weed i use drastically though.. gone from smoking upwards of 20x a day down to 1-3x and sometimes none! so i've really jumped off the cliff with my addictions and they can't keep up with me.. its just the pain and emptiness that it has left, and loosing the tools i used to "Cope" and manage my problems i guess

I know I don't give myself as much credit as i should, but im trying to work on that.. trying to remind myself of how far i've gotten so far, even if its not that far

i do like my "team" but i guess its just gonna take me a little more getting used to since im not used to leaving the house much less going to see doctors and talking about problems, i always seem to minimize everything when it comes to about me; but im trying to work on that.. and often i just blurt out some things to get the ball rolling so that i have no choice but to explain what i meant by whatever it was that came out of my mouth hehe can be embarrassing but i guess its the only way i know how to handle it now. Im gonna try to get an appointment with my case manager and see if i can talk to her about the pdoc and see if i can get extra time thats extra focused on what i have to say next time

is there any "Medicine" that i can ask for from my GP that can temporarily help me through this extreme depressed state until monday..? it feels like its never going to get here and klonopin dont seem to help with this feeling i've been having.. dont wanna start eating them like candy again

i have a terrible phone phobia that keeps me from answering/making phone calls so its really hard for me to get on the phone especially when im in this mental state... but i really could use temporary relief until mondays appointment and don't know what to do

i appreciate the great feedback you have given me once again

i call myself the depressed optimist because i just wont give up and i just know i can win this battle but its definitely an uphill fight hehe...

[nummy]

I imagine self-protection would be pretty strong in PTSD.
Sometimes I wonder if our minds mistake memory for the real thing. Something I've never asked any T about before.

[elevatedsoul]

yeah, feels like the mind has turned on me - sort of hehe, what a terrible enemy to make!

[Frankbtl]

Hi, now hold on!! GOT TO GO BACK TO: "trying to remind myself of how far i've gotten so far, even if its not that far".......Even if it's not that far?????!!!!, not that far?????!!!!
Elevated!! Seriously!! You HAVE come SO far!!!
I do get that things can be really tough for you and you SHOULD get all the help and support you need/want, but just DON'T lose that!!
That is a BIG reduction in the weed as well (WELL DONE!!), but I see what you mean in that there can be a big gap in the purpose it served for you in helping you cope. I'd say that in reducing or stopping you really need to have a "healthy" replacement for it, right?
Definitely keep your pdoc updated so as maybe they can find the right medication to "take off the pressure". It can take time but............And have you been going into coping techniques with your therapist? Not only one's for on a day-to-day basis, but one's for if it gets really bad too? Perhaps touch on strategies a little more with her?
And you know there's lots of info on things like managing anxiety online, mindfullness techniques (and even yoga??!) Some of that may only again give you temporary "fixes" but it sounds like you're making REAL progress with your therapist alongside that, REAL strides in general!!
The "blurting things out" bit, well I'd say whatever works for you as you go along. ALL communication is important and if that's a tool you've got right now then use it, let it help you. It's got to take a little time feeling comfortable sharing things so everything helps.
For the "medicine" I should hope your GP could come up with something to try. I know that some people do really well on some types of medication, but the same medication can have the reverse effects on others so..........I don't know if you might want to ask for a PRN/as needed medication though, just something stronger to "top up" on your other medication IF things are really hard and you think you need it?
Now, I DON'T KNOW if this link might help, just searched out a few when you mentioned your problems with the phone but:
http://unsuicide.wikispaces.com/Online+Suicide+Help
With those you can use a messaging instead of having to use the phone. So just a maybe, I tried!!
And hey, just keep reminding yourself that, even if it doesn't feel like it, Monday IS just around the corner.
Hope to catch you before then anyway!!
Alison

[kp1152]

Originally Posted by elevatedsoul

Does anyone else here feel like they are incapable of expressing what is bothering them? sort of like your subconscious wont allow you to give out any hints or ideas about what is causing distress?

Im just wondering if this is part of a disorder or maybe something entirely different on its own?
For me it just feels like anything i say to try to explain what im feeling is wrong and inaccurate which leads me to feel like im going to be treated for a miss diagnosed disorder.. I dont know why it feels so confusing, dark and gloomy.
I would just like to be able to explain whats bothering me so they can help!!

-Feeling trapped

maybe i've isolated myself to such an extreme for so long that i lost the capability

Yes I've felt like that. Sometimes people grow up in families where expression is not allowed.You sound ddepression I'm sure a good therapist with the meds would help. I've tried it and it helps good luck