As the christmas season is in full swing now, it has left me thinking of the past. and how christmas's used to be. i have begun remembering how christmas made me feel, and what it actually meant ot me as a child.

growing up in my family, there were so many problems all year. but at christmas they all seemed to fade, and seem un-imaginable for the season. it used to feel magical to me, perhaps it was because i was a child back then and things always do seem magical to children. whatever it was, i used to love christmas, it was my favourite time of year. the family would come over and we would have a big lunch and pull crackers etc, and everyone would be jolly, having a laugh and just generally relaxing. the weeks leading up to christmas were also so great. the people would be happy, excited and jolly. the lights and decorations on houses would always bring a smile to my face. the cold weather outside used to make me feel cozy and warm inside my house. we'd have a huge real christmas tree in one corner with dozens of presents under the tree. lights on the tree creating a nice warm, cozy atmosphere. the christmas music could be heard for miles, and they would fill me with warmth and happiness. everything seemed so special, the way it should be...

but back in 2001, christmas seemed such a dark time for me, and it was the season that triggered my depression. that year i saw my mum die, and 2 other members of my family (uncle and grandad) all die. i had met a girl who i was crazy about, but she ended the relationship int he september which hadnt properly sunk in. but i looked forward to christmas because i was holding onto the memories of the joy it would bring. unfortunately it didnt work out that way, and it was the whole christmas scene that started my depression. it seemed quiet without the 3 people there, 2 of which were big characters (mum and grandad) and to have to spend christmas without my mum hit me very hard. i began a very fast spiral down after that, and the early months of 2002 were very dark for me. i began self harming, and my depression had kicked in badly.

since then christmas's just havent been the same, the rest of the family make an effort to try to make christmas special, but it was never special. not since my mum died.

the joy and magic of christmas had all vanished so quickly, and it was never how i remembered it. winter seemed to drag and the sight of families celebrating the occasion just made me even more upset. i couldnt handle the way it was compared to how it used to be. it was eating me up alot!

but, this year things are so different. this year has been a very memorable one for me. i have began living my life my way, and i am starting to chase my dreams. i am happier as i managed to defeat depression months ago - although i still get bad days every so often - and my future to me now seems bright, how it used to when i was a child before it all went wrong. once i left work the other week i have really began looking forward to christmas, which i havent done since 2001. i am eager to decorate our house with lights, and the lot. from the 1st of december i have began playing the christmas songs that meant so much to me as a child. and to my belief, i can feel the magic of christmas again.

this year, the last few months in particular, i really am appreciating life and the value of it. this comes at the time i am remembering my near death experience where i nearly killed myslef 4 years ago. so i look at that and count my blessings that i am still alive, that i decided to put the pills down and try again at life. i appreciate things so much now, and i am seeing, for the first time since 2000, the true meaning of christmas. the joy of christmas has returned and it all feels more magical to me this year. to me christmas is about life and valuing it, whereas before it was all about presents. im not bothered about gifts this year, i am just so grateful of life itself and the value of it, that everything else doesnt matter. we are going away on holiday for christmas with the family, the family that used to be around for lunch when mum was alive. so we will all be together once agian christmas day. and to tell the gods honest truth, i cannot wait! it, to me, is so spiritual this year, as i feel i have found the true me and i feel happy again. it is the end of a life-changing year for me.

so roll on 2007, and may it be as spiritually rewarding and positive as this year. and may the dreams i have burried surface and come true. i know they will.

i wanted to tell you all this as i find it special to me. i cant really explain the feeling i have inside right now, its like warmth, warmth that used to be just coldness. the emptiness is subsiding and i am no longer sad to be single, i dont feel alone anymore, and i generally am thrilled and excited about my future. i can see big things happening to me and i can not wait for it.

has this happened to any of you at some point in your life? have you had some sort of spiritual awakening around christmas, and has it brought the true spirit of christmas back home where it belongs? id love to hear your stories?

lets use this holiday season to appreciate the things we are blessed with, whether it be families, partners, friends, health and most of all, to appreciate what we all here have been blessed with... wonderful, caring personalities. we all care for eachother and we all support eachother through dark days. we are able to love. how can anyone ask for more than that. we have something so special, each one of us.

simon

[(JD)]

[Boopers]

Simon,

What a beautiful, uplifting story! I love to read these sort of stories where people finally start to get their life back from the dark holes of depression.

No, sadly, I still am waiting for this to happen to me. I lost my Mom almost five years ago and since then, I haven't been able to truly enjoy Christmas like I use to. It, too, was my favorite time of year. I haven't given up though. I am still waiting for that moment of triumph!!

Bless you and have a Wonderful Christmas!
Linda

[dcs_no1_fan]

I can feel for you I lost my 1st daughter in dec 95 & even though I think about her all the time & her sister who I lost aug 98 I still love this time of year seeing my boys face's when the tree ect goes up is so nice then on Christmas day when they get up to all there presents makes all the pain go away for a little while I still think of my daughters every day but I also thank god for my two wonderful little boys that I was blessed with when I was told I could not have them.

We all hurt at times thats why were all here & here for each other
Take Care over the holidays for some people they can be a very hard time & my heart goes out to all of you who still find it really hard I know how it feels still