[Rayne Selene]

Hi everyone,
This is my first post on here, and I read the guidelines, but I'm really sorry if there's anything in here that isn't allowed. Please know that this is something I'm extremely scared about, and I know I need help. The following post may contain somewhat intense content. I'm afraid I might hurt myself or someone else.

I am a 20 year old female college student.

Something has been wrong with me as long as I can remember, but my first clear memory comes from when I was five years old. I started having extremely inappropriate fantasies about rape and torture, and these fantasies haven't gone away. I always feel extremely guilty after these fantasies and hate myself. However, I enjoy intimacy with my boyfriend of three years, and I feel genuine love for him (I think). It seems that when he and I are being intimate fairly frequently, the other..stuff dulls a bit.

Within the past couple of years, I've started having very violent nightmares involving the above mentioned fantasies, but in nightmare form. The weird thing about the nightmares is that it's always me committing the violence. Then I can't get the images out of my head for days, and it often makes me physically ill.

I have a very hard time forming friendships or strong relationships with others. I don't have strong feelings for my family or their feelings. The only thing I really care about is how they view me. I've always been my family's golden girl, and I go to great lengths that are extremely manipulative and deceitful to ensure that I stay in that position. I do care about my little brother. I don't care about my little sister, and I've done a lot in her life to make her miserable. I do things to get pity or special treatment, like deliberately giving myself food poisoning or crashing my bicycle into a tree.

In addition, I have very extreme mood swings. I alternate from very depressed (suicidal, guilty, hating myself, can't get out of bed, completely unmotivated, less sleep and/or nightmares) to very angry (I get very violent, and I've beaten up my sister more than once) to very excited (I "turn my life around", over-excercise, clean the house minutely, get extremely creative, etc.)

I do not cut myself or anything of that nature because I'm afraid of blood.

Lately I have been feeling extremely suicidal. It has been getting much worse this past year, going from impulses to actual thoughts, to plans, to writing an actual note.

I know I need help, I just have no idea how to get it. How can I tell someone these things about me????

Both my dad and my brother have bipolar disorder. I have never been sexually assaulted, as far as I remember anyways.

If you can help me in any way, please do. I want to be normal. I don't want to hurt anyone. Thank you for your time.

[monkeybrains21]

U need to find urself a T. That is the first thing u need to do. Fantasies are just that fantasy. As long as u don't indulge in the fantasy ur ok. I have lots of fantasies about killing ppl and torture, but we can't control the fantasies we can only control what we do with them.

If u feel really suicidal call a hot line, go to er, call a T and set up something quick. When I get suicidal I think about it a lot, very logically, and decide it's not worth it but instead I paint very aggressive and intense paintings while listening to really angry music.

I should also come here if u are out of options. Jump on chat there's always someone usually there. U can talk about it or put u thoughts on something else.

Hi, Rayne. Welcome to PC. I agree that it seems to you need to see a therapist who can diagnose your issues. It could be bipolar or something else. You can research bipolar tendencies (as well as how to deal with them) on this site and others. There are a lot of good medications that may be able to help you live a normal life. Don't wait. Time is of the essence. You know there is a problem; take action now. All the best to you.

[CaptainChaos79]

I am no psychologist but this sounds very borderline personality or maybe even Munchausen's Syndrome they way you are hurting yourself for attention. As far as the rape-torture fantasy is concerned, are you the subject of the rape-torture or do you fantasize about doing this to another person? If you have a rape fantasy then there is nothing wrong with maybe indulging it to a small degree assuming you trust your boyfriend and use a safety word phrase in case things get too far out of someone's comfort zone. Experintation is normal as long as it is 100% consensual. That being said do speak to a real therapist right away before taking my advice or anyone else's.

[Rayne Selene]

Originally Posted by CaptainChaos79

I am no psychologist but this sounds very borderline personality or maybe even Munchausen's Syndrome they way you are hurting yourself for attention. As far as the rape-torture fantasy is concerned, are you the subject of the rape-torture or do you fantasize about doing this to another person? If you have a rape fantasy then there is nothing wrong with maybe indulging it to a small degree assuming you trust your boyfriend and use a safety word phrase in case things get too far out of someone's comfort zone. Experintation is normal as long as it is 100% consensual. That being said do speak to a real therapist right away before taking my advice or anyone else's.

Neither. Usually it's watching, as if I'm watching a film or something. When I have nightmares, it's me hurting other people, and sometimes me being hurt. But when it's me being hurt it's not a nightmare, it's more like a dream because I"m not scared. Does that make sense?
I don't want to bring my boyfriend into this. He's the sweetest person alive and our relationship is probably one of the only good things in my life right now. I could never jeopardize that, and I don't want to act out these thoughts, I just want them to go away. But thank you!

[Verity81]

If I were you I would get evaluated by a doctor. There are two people in your immediate family who have bipolar so that would indicate a possibility but we cannot diagnose so get yourself to a pdoc and good luck.

[marmaduke]

Bipolar seems likely, agree with Verity81, to need to see a doc A.S.A.P

[atomicc]

Welcome to PC! I have extremely violent fantasies and dreams where I hurt people, but I've learned to live with them. If it is causes you distress please seek out help as soon as possible! You aren't alone though <3

[jiminkade]

Hi Rayne and welcome here..agree very much with everyone who has posted in this thread..please get some professional psych help soon.. Can help a ton with right person..

Before you really cross that line tween fantasy becoming reality...

[Rayne Selene]

How do you find a good doctor? I've always been afraid of medical professionals, and I'm really used to the people in my family telling me I'm fine. I went to a doctor a year ago and got told that I have run-of-the-mill college depression. I was prescribed with some anti-depressants, which made everything much worse. I got stuck in this hyper-active phase where I kept making extremely impulsive decisions. I'm not sure how to go about finding a doctor who will actually LISTEN and it's hard to come out with "Hey, I have crazy fantasies about hurting people." I'm just very nervous to say these things out loud.

[Rayne Selene]

Thank you all for your help.