[Ballistech]

I never really paid attention to myself, or questioned why I thought the things I thought or acted the way I acted. I grew up in a family where my word and opinions did not matter and feelings were bad. As time progressed I began to accept that everyone must think like me and see life as I do. I didnt questioned it.
Little did I know that I was a sociopath, I had trouble expressing myself growing up and became a manipulator and a master at reading emotions at a young age. I felt I wasn't treated like a person. And people never saw my point of view or tried to understand me, like I didn't exist. I became interested in psychology and began to study it, I lacked attention from my family so I got a sense of accomplishment studying it because it felt so natural. Like psychology was common sense,but I never asked myself the question, why is human behavior common sense to me.
I manipulated my way through life with no effort, I felt like a god. The 4 years of high school I walked around like a king. Everyone fell to my will and no one resist the perfect blend of words and expressions, I could stare at a person's eyes and listen to their voice and or the way they moved and it felt like i was hunting, in minutes I knew everything about them. I was the spider and everything around me was on my spider web.little did I know, what I was becoming.

The big question was why did I have to manipulate, control, and disguise myself to be accepted. Because each time I try to express the original me people did not understand me and rejected my point of views. So I expanded my understanding and set myself another goal. Why is it impossible to find one person, in this big world that understands how I see life?

During my research on human emotions, I came across micro expressions and like everything else it felt like common sense. Life around me became harder to cope with due to the fact that I saw everything for what and who they really were. This was a very dark time in my life because I never realized that people lied and wore so masks to conceal emotions. I realized that I never had felt a real emotion, just anger. I analyzed myself to try to remember when I felt anything at all. I googled "why don't I have emotions?" and as I was scrolling down I saw the word "sociopath" after reading it, it felt like they were describing me. I felt understood but something wasn't quite right, yes I manipulated and controlled people but it was never for personal gain, since I started doing it at an early age and I was taught not to question anything I thought everybody was like this. I made it into a game where I would just try to know everything about them like a secret agent gathering intel. This is where the twist comes in since i started at an early age I saw people like if they were broken and I wanted to find what was broken and fix it. This is where everything contradicted the definition of a sociopath. Every person who I manipulated I was trying to fix and I felt obligated to do this because it felt so easy to control their emotions for their own Benefit in the process it made me into a humble person who tries to give the best of myself an made it so easy when I stop trying to fix myself and accepted for who I was. And in the end the lack of emotions helped because they didn't get in the way of how people behaved or treated me. It didn't matter what anybody did I always gave them the best of me because the rejection I felt was replaced by sadness and pity because I saw their problems and their solutions so easily but to them they were so far.

So i stop looking at myself as broken or trying to fix myself, I saw it as a gift to see life through different eyes and function properly with the world around me, like everything it comes with a price the lack of emotions and sometimes helping others means I have to be an outcast and walk outside the box alone. Because the only way I know how to move through life is by reading everybody and I can't shut it off getting ahead in life is quite difficult because I refuse to manipulate and use people for personal gain.

[Verity81]

Wanting to help people and not wanting to use them for personal gain does not sound like a sociopath. Many disorders share a poverty of emotion trait in common and it fact you might not have a particular disorder at all but just have deeply repressed emotions due to upbringing.

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[Verity81]

Also feeling sadness and pity for others problems is a form of empathy and as far as I am aware sociopaths cannot feel empathy.

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[monkeybrains21]

Sociopaths don't feel empathy but today they have learned to mirror it and fit in better. This allows access upon society that in the past Was never possible to to sticking out. I believe I am like Ballistech. I have no emotional attachments to ppl. I feel no guilt or shame for damage I have caused.

My mother used to attempt to guilt trip me into doing things to benefit her, but I never felt guilty or bad for anything.

[Ballistech]

You see I gave certAin things I feel meaning abviously I don't feel anything but I kinda rewire the meanings... Example I play guitar and when my strings break I rewire them to diferent tuning pegs it still sounds good and I can play music but it's wired really weird same here lol

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