I don't know what happened

To start this off, I can't really explain what happened, but I have been in depression since the middle of February.

I am 44, and a trucker. Because of this sudden depression, I have not been in a truck since February 14. I was due to be home that day(a Friday), but something inside me, or my mind snapped. That Tuesday everything was fine, took a load to Chicago. Wednesday, morning I woke up, and for some reason, didn't feel right. I dropped that load, and picked up another. Since I was feeling off, I stayed in Chicago that night.

Thursday morning, I woke up, and my mind was.... just not there. I don't even remember driving several hundred miles to Kansas City Missouri. Since the load wasn't due until Friday morning, I stayed at my company's yard. For the remainder of the day, I just felt lost, confused and scared. I have no clue what was happening, it felt to me like my mind has been partially erased. I couldn't keep track what I was doing. I would go to do something, and 2 seconds later, I forgot what I wanted to do. I sat in the truck trying to remember certain things. It took me 20 minutes to remember my own zip code.

Friday morning comes, I make my delivery, and the boss told me to go ahead.And go home for my time off. Instead of going home, I took the truck back to the company yard. I remember sitting behind the wheel for an hour.... lost. I don't really remember packing my stuff up. My mind was somewhere else, and my body was doing it's own thing. I don't no why, but I ended up at greyhound bus station. Instead of going home, for some reason I got a bus ticket to Florida. while waiting on the bus, that's when the crying started. I just sunk deeper and deeper into this depression. And I have been dealing with this since that day. I have cried everyday now since mid Feb, and it's starts on it's own. Some days, I can feel it when it's coming, and other times the rain ears just come gushing out. The last 2 weeks, I have had mood swings, I go from being ok, to deeply depressed, then mad as hell.

It's gotten so bad, whenever I get around to many people, I get nervous and start shaking and crying. Suicide thoughts have taken over my mind this past month as well. And I woke up this morning. I woke up and instantly started to cry, why? I don't know. I have not been able to pinpoint my problem. My mind is always blank. Someone told me that maybe there is something in my mind that wants out, but something is holding it back.

So now, we get to April 5th. I still cannot get out of this dark abyss I am in. The urge to do it is here..

I really want out of this dark tunnel I am in. I can't drive a truck in this condition. It has caused me and the girlfriend to break apart. I just want to find the light at the end, and get my life back.

Sorry this was so long........

Dear Sad Trucker,

Let me welcome you to PC. I know you'll find help and support. Because your symptoms came on so suddenly, you MUST first go to general practioner and get checked for physical (organic) cause. Not to throw cold water on your face, but my mother presented the same way and had a brain tumor. Of course, I hope you don't, but the point is, you need to get checked out right away.

Once you get the all-clear medically, you can begin to treat the depression. This may involve talk therapy such as with a social worker/therapist/counselor and/or medications.

Best of luck and keep posting.

Please get to a doctor ASAP.

I agree with the other posters, I think you should get a physical first ASAP. You want to rule out any possible health issues first.

Let us know how you make out.

Welcome to PC.

OE

There are seizure disorders etc other things that can cause "lost time" and crying episodes, so I agree with the others who say see a doctor.

Get to doctor as soon as possible

Please see a doctor and let us know how you go. We do care about what is happening for you.