I've been working my way up to making this post for sometime. I took a practice swing in the "Things I need to tell my T" thread and I got some hugs. But I didn't go into a lot of detail, which is where I'm guessing the confusion comes from.

Growing up I developed a fascination with having bowel movements in places that are not necessarily appropriate. As a child I had a problem with withholding and somewhere along the line that turned into a fascination with pushing it out.

My family separated at one point and I lived with my mother. The obsession seemed to flourish at this point, especially when she had to work two jobs in order to pay child support for my four younger siblings, who were living with their father. This lead to me eventually earning the right to be on my own at home as I was entering my early teens.

Basically, I either went for a walk and tried to find a place outside and away from others to poop, or I would stay at home and deliberately poop in my briefs.

Please also understand that I never played with it. I got cleaned up as soon as I could and I threw out the briefs. But the act of defecting in my underwear was something I grew to want to do more. If my mother ever caught on she never said anything. Maybe she didn't read into my suddenly not having any briefs. Maybe she figured what was going on below the belt was none of her business. Maybe she figured it wasn't the worst thing I could be doing on my own at home, so long as she never found any evidence of it. More than likely I was just good enough about hiding it that she never ever found out, but I digress.

But the compulsion grew, Eventually I started making my own money. Doing odd jobs for neighbors and baby-sitting for my cousins and the friends of my mother and I began purchasing adult diapers. Again, my mother never seemed to catch on to this. But experimenting with the diapers eventually lead to me getting bold enough to soil and wet myself in public.

I don't want to get into a lot of details about certain specific instances, because they will raise questions. As an adult I still find the need to wear a diaper so I can urinate whenever I want to, but I haven't deliberately soiled myself in almost two years. In those instances when I did have a bowel movement in my diaper, in the library or at the mall, or some other public place, I was always careful to never be around children or never in a place where people were eating.

It's taken me a couple weeks to work up the courage to post this here. It amazes me how open minded people are about certain things and yet when you mention anything toilet related they're out of there like the last napkin at an all you can eat barbecue.

I know there are other people on this forum with their own toilet related issues and some have been brave enough to mention them. These are mine.

[Focus62]

Is it arousing for you to do this? What is the "good" feeling that you're getting from doing this? Just curious, I don't mean it in a negative way. I guess my first thought was the sexual component to why some people do this, like if you're an ABDL fetishist. But obviously, I am not sure that's what is going on with you.

I'm sorry, I don't have experience with this, but I hope you find the answers you're looking for.

I do have some DL tenancies, but diapers were just a natural progression from the soiling myself in regular underwear. I remember knowing about adult diapers when I was ten and having fantasies of being older and in a nursing home. But in lieu of diapers, briefs were just as acceptable.

I'm not even really describing the feelings all that well. I know the hugest part of it is I feel a strong desire to have someone show concern for me and that blossoms into fantasies about being helped with cleaning. As for the act of messing in and of itself, I don't know. I've just always had a bizarre kind of focus on messing and the act of pooping in general.

[Marshellette]

Yikes. This may be a little rude but I think you need some psychological counseling.

[gayleggg]

You could just print what you wrote and let your counselor read it. Reach out to your T. I'm sure there is a reason you are fascinated with what you are doing. You just need help to figure out why, so it won't be so powerful a trigger for you. It's great you had the courage to ask the questions on here. You're already making progress. Keep up the good work.

Oh I've come right out and told a previous T this very thing. But for reasons I won't get into, it didn't work out with her and I'm between T's at this point.

[outlaw sammy]

I was convinced that I'm "legally insane" until I read your post. If I think what you wrote is totally insane, then I must be OK.

[LaborIntensive]

I had a bit of reading to do. Imagine my surprise that the SCATMAN who had a famous hit song in the 1990's has nothing to do with SCATOLOGY.

Click here for more

You could read along these lines and see what you uncover that may help with this issue. I have heard of this as a sexual fetish and only alt.com would be the place to find a like minded individual but the site is heavy in spammers and flamers. Good luck in resolving or living with this in your life.

Yeah, I know what scatology is.

I'm sorry, people, if you don't agree with me that's fine. But I am looking for emotional support so if you could keep the snarky remarks to yourselves that would be terrific.

I can't believe I have to ask for that in a forum that is geared towards support for a variety of mental health concerns.

[LaborIntensive]

I tried. I really did.

I just don't know what else to say as I know you would be depressed about the issue and I am sure it took a bit of courage to come right out and explain the issue even sharing a timeline with the forum.

But, I hope you can find that golden shower of joy you need to come from this and get out from under this dirty brown funk you find yourself in. Sometimes emotions can be built up and hard to process and you have to bare down to release them. Other times they just come blasting out of you and all the wetness and slime (from crying) is more than a Kleenex can bare. For now, I say Flush those bad emotions down the drain and wipe off the grimy bad feelings so the real you can shine on without ridicule and apathy!