[Dognunter123]

My story is long and full of side issues. I will try to summarize my exp. with dealing with a father who died of suicide. My father and mother had a violent and morbid marriage. That being said they both maintained and excelled in medicine. My father and mother where my friends , when exposed to military re enlistment moving. I can't say to which I am/was closer. Very close too both and I hated to see drug or alcohol induced violent/yelling/irrational/arguing. In 2nd grade I can remember choking myself with a belt till the chaos ceased. Chaos in my family came 4 or less times a year. I would try to brush off the event and then continue my life. My father was A.R.N.P. and my mother an R.N. Father earned degree and training while being fully enlisted in Navy. My mother worked as a hospice nurse for as long as I can recall. Well all appeared roses in the fiscal and non family member point of view. My parents smoked weed my entire life. Parents that work hard then come home and get stoned. Home and blazed. I would be left alone to my thoughts and leisure hobbies and only have them to talk to a lot of the time. Dad retired when I was 11 . He was forced by the us navy , because of a suicide attempt that left him on a breathing machine for 3 days. He was very lucky to survive and the attempt came at a time of family bliss. Well he was treated and discharged from the Navy. He began work at a local Hospital and was outstanding at his job. Regarded amongst M.D.'s as the best A.R.N.P. In the area. He saw their patients and did it with a warm bed side manner. I am struggling to adapt from a final enlistment moving order. San Diego to the Deep South. I was 10 and not really relating with fellow local kids, minus a collective of dear friends. I overcame and did well in school and played football very well. I was a partyer and often viewed myself as older than I really was. Weed, yelling, drama, etc etc my drinking and parties . They all are really not the problem. My fathers addiction to barbs and than benzo's due to barbs being rescheduled. 45 days of amazing dad that I had a deep emotional bond with. Than a blackout. Complete insane drug induced impulsive and violent behavior. Well flash to 17 and dad drops another lethal cocktail of Pharms. This time just 1 day in a forced coma. This attempt shook me to the core. I spoke with my dad about it very intimately and his survival seemed to bring back a want to live. He held me with genuine tears pouring down his face. Stating that he would never make an attempt on his life again. At this point my mothers mental health went into completely disabled by her mental state. Time passed I made some bad choices etc etc. flash to 5 years ago. 6-11-08 my dad returned home to his wife and only child who had just enrolled in a local university . He was wasted. He sat down on the couch and asked my mother where the pot was. She thought about where she had hid the pot and went to get her tray. He said **** it in seconds and got in his truck and drove 2 miles to my mothers father house. Apparently my father knew of a firearm my grandpa kept in a window seal close to the front door. He got the gun and at 5 or so in the evening shot himself in the head in the front yard of a nice local neighborhood. My grandfather phoned me and just said your dad grabed my gun! I hung up and flew over in my car. Well the local authorities were swarming and not being helpful. I proceeded to a loocal E.R. Upon my driving to the hospital I felt my mind transform into a horrifying state. My mother refused to come to the hospital with me and I was forced to make organ donation choices on my own and file insurance documents etc etc. 5 years later and I am finally off opiates and a convicted felon. I am still and will always be in shock/horror mode. I have never been seen by a real mental health m.d. The fact is I am off pills and ready for mental health treatment. My life was destroyed by my behavior after his death. The future can be bright , but I need help. I am sorry for this awful and generally un focused written material on my exp. if you have dealt with a parent suicide or any suicide . I know your pain.

I just wanted you to know I read your post. You have been through a lot over your lifetime. I would certainly start with a therapist, there's a lot of tragedy and hard times to work through. It won't be easy but I think it will be worth it. I'm sorry for all you've gone through, I wish you peace.

[angelicgoldfish05]

Originally Posted by Dognunter123

I have never been seen by a real mental health m.d. The fact is I am off pills and ready for mental health treatment. My life was destroyed by my behavior after his death. The future can be bright , but I need help.

I don't know what to say but wanted to let you know that I'm pulling for you to get help and feel better. I care about you even though I don't even know you, and believe that you will make it and get through this. PM me if you want to talk.