[mcosta]

Hey everyone...I couldn't find the best category for this....so here we go!

My not so great psych doc got me addicted to HIGH doses of benzodiazopines for about 6 years. This included 7mg xanax per day for 2 years and 4 years of 10+ mg klonopin per day. After a grand mal seizure from many painful horrible withdrawals, I had enough and put myself into a rehab to get off of them forever. I'm currently 18 months without and have absolutely ZERO intrest in taking that class of drug ever again. It wasnt a typical addiction in the sense that I got high, because I never did....it was mostly a physical addiction, so I feel lucky in that way.

In parts, my addiction ruined my life. I lost my job of 9 years and custody of my daughter. So I secluded myself and cut myself off from everyone. Believe it or not I got married during the later parts of this, and I am still happily married.

But now, I have zero friends, and even worse...I could honrstly give a crap less about having any! I am not anxious in public, and have no problem talking to people, ones that I both know and don't know. But whenever I get back to my secluded world, I feel comfy and 'right'. It's like some weird invisible barrier where I know keeping a friendship is too much work I guess? I loathe facebook, and am actually going to delete my account...it feels like I don't want anyone I used to know, to know anything about me, ever again. I feel like I want to disappear somewhere else, and people can forget about me.

My brothers wedding is this next weekend and I am dreading it with every fiber of my being.

Now that I'm typing this, I guess it's possibly shame? Not everyone knows everything, and I know that there were rumors about me that were completely false. I do however live in a new town about 1.5 hours away from where I was previously. But the same feeling goes even with people here. WHY? I don't feel depressed at all (and I have battled depression on and off throughout my life so I do recognize it).

This is obviously bothering me a bit, or I wouldn't feel compelled to write about it. So what do I do? I feel stuck and I don't always want to be/feel like this.

[Travelinglady]

Hi, mcosta, and welcome to Psych Central! I am sorry your doctor got so carried away with the meds. That sounds irresponsible to me. You did the right thing by going into treatment, and I am glad you are no longer addicted.

Yeah, it could be that you are feeling some shame--but it's not your fault that the addiction happened. Actually, I think the best thing for you to do is to show up at events and let people see how well you are doing. Of course, if it's relevant, then you can mention how the drugs were benzos the doc put you on.

With all the celebrities and even President's wives having addiction problems, you fit right in. I suggest you try to hold your head up proudly and congratulate yourself that the consequences, although really bad, were not worse. And that you were very wise and motivated to get rid of the drugs.

[glok]

Hello, mcosta.

Recovery From Addiction and Depression: An Interview with Vivian Eisenecher | World of Psychology