I have to say I have begun backing out of PC recently. Everywhere I am, on the internet, I believe I am known for my warm, positive, supportive comments. In point of fact, this is so because I've consciously taught myself to be so, with the help of some dear internet friends. If not for them, I could well have become an internet troll. But I was lucky.

However, here on PC, I seem to keep getting slapped for replies I've posted to various Threads. Perhaps it's because I presume, here on PC, I can be more honest... to "say what I think" so to speak. I don't do so consciously, mind you. But, perhaps I do so without realizing it. I never intentionally try to be mean-spirited. As the Buddhist nun Pema Chodron has observed: criticism without compassion can be just mean.

Anyway, the upshot of these repeated slaps, here on PC, is I now feel hesitant to reply to many posts I might previously have commented on. Now, unless I feel I have something specific to offer, my inclination is to pass. I have to do this for my own protection. I have always been extremely self-critical. And as a result, every time I get slapped, it takes me days to recover. Ani Pema would say that these slaps are fertile opportunities to work on aspects of myself where I'm stuck. I understand what she's saying, & I can't disagree. But I'm just not strong enough to intentionally walk into situations where there's a likelihood I'm going to get knocked down just so I have material to work on myself with. It just takes me too long to recover.

So I hope, if anyone happens to notice I seem to be less visible lately here on PC, you will excuse me. I'll still be around, just much more careful about what Threads I reply to & what I say. Come to think of it, that's kind-of how it is IRL too. I try to choose my words carefully & smile allot so as not to get slapped. The more things change, the more they stay the same...

[Little Lulu]

That is too bad Skeezyks. Sometimes all I need is a hug or a little relating but sometimes I need to hear a point of view that isn't necessarily comfortable. I know that frank words, wisely chosen from someone I respect, does more for my growth than bland platitudes.

[regretful]

Thanks for your replies to my posts. I've found them to be helpful. I often think sometimes that being on her just furthers my depression in that I just seem to be more focused on that with no real relief. I guess I stay around because these forums were so helpful to me in 2012 when depression was at what I thought would be its lowest point. I'm at a much lower point now and might be taking a page from your book, too...pulling back. I was told today to do one little thing differently. Maybe a hiatus from PC is that one little thing that's necessary...who knows...

But I do want to thank you for those words of wisdom, hugs, and other comments that have come my way. I've got to get out of this depression or it will literally kill me.

Best wishes to you...

[Frankbtl]

Hi Skeezycks, just saying what you think is when you're being the most genuine/the most true to yourself (which is really important) and you still come across as really warm, positive, supportive.
But not everyone is going to agree with everything, it's all part of being individuals. Hopefully we can all learn from each other but at times...........it can be as much about at least having a positive balance between criticism from some and what we get/give back from/to others. And as far as I've seen Skeezycks, you easily have that!!
You are really respected by a lot of people on here, you are really insightful, you offer unique/invaluable perspectives and you're a big part of P.C.

As for the "slaps", maybe worth talking to the individuals about a bit more, to try to get them more on the lines of constructive criticism, or to the admin about depending on the situation???



Alison

I'm sorry, Skeezyks...I have noticed that you weren't around as much as you used to be. I definitely censor myself on PC because of the strict forum rules. In addition, it seems to me that many of the members of PC are looking for a fight...lots of unresolved anger. I've had far more people attack me (often due to a complete misunderstanding) than reach out in support. I keep posting here because I have hope that things will get better and flow more smoothly.

[unaluna]

I have to say, skeezyks, i have never seen you be anything but the height of discretion. Also, as Rosanne once said about Dan, I didnt come out of the box this way either - learning how to get along on here is hard for some of us (me me me!!!) but i think worth the trouble - i spoke with someone at my apartment building yesterday - she was standing in front of the doorbells looking for someone and i offered my help. She introduced herself then asked who i was. I recognized her then, but she didnt recognize me - i would like to think its because ive become so gentle and polite - right?!

[Open Eyes]

Oh Skeezyks, I am sorry you have struggled that way, I personally can't remember anything you posted that I found offensive. I can totally understand how having others respond unfavorably would cause you to withdraw, feel challenged, and even struggle for days too. You are not alone with that challenge either and you are not alone with feeling misunderstood and just trying to find your way with at least making an attempt to express who you are either.

I have been triggered so many times now I have lost count. I am lucky in that I have been in therapy and my T has gotten to know me and my IRL challenges that when I get triggered I can discuss it with him and he can see it from my POV. My T has also ran support groups himself so he can give me some food for thought and even tell me when I was unfairly judged or it was not my fault too.

The thing about PC is that you are mixing with a lot of different people who have a lot of different challenges and opinions, so you will be bound to come across individuals that your opinion may trigger in some way. I used to click on the person and see what that person was challenged with to try to understand their POV. It took me a while to do that though because I had never done anything like PC before.

It "is" a lot of work to sort out your own triggers and that is not something others will be able to see at PC. Typically, it is better to have a therapist you can discuss these challenges with, but if you don't have that outlet to help you, it can be a challenge and if you have someone here at PC you can talk to when it happens that would be helpful too.
You don't want to get into situations where you are "retraumatized" and then have others beat you up for it. I have seen that take place and it really is "unhealthy". When someone says to me, "I enjoy picking on him and getting him upset, it's just fun", that is
"unhealthy". I have not seen you doing any of that.

What you can also do is when certain people respond badly to you then don't post to them. It's impossible to make everyone "happy", you are always going to have those that will disagree with you. And, if you have a "few" that come down on you then you may be dealing with a "group" that "like teenagers" tend to hang together and pick on someone together. Yes, some people are actually "stuck" in that part of their maturity and never grow past it. That is what my T has explained to me. Just some of the issues I had to address, don't quite know exactly what you have addressed. Anything I have seen you post, you have tried to explain where you are coming from too.

Sorry you are struggling.

((Gentle Kind Hugs))
OE

[H3rmit]

I'm sorry you are experiencing this. It surprises me. I haven't noticed you saying anything inapropos. You came across as very friendly and nice, in my experience. You'll be missed.

[-jimi-]

I think sometimes an environment is simply not right for us. I had a few slaps myself and that at the same time I was offered a moderator status on two other sites because of my "fair and supportive nature". I fear that someone being harshly treated might not just make them feel poorly about themselves, it can also trigger them to act bad.

So I think I know where the OP comes from. It really sucks to have an erroneous image slapped onto oneself.

[ifst5]

I respect your choice although i'm sorry you feel you have to do this. With the internet i'm a firm believer in not abdicating responsibility - it cannot be everything we want it to be, but we still have choices over what to participate in and what to avoid. Moaning about other people moaning, whining about rules and regulations, decrying the state of the internet today - it drives me up the wall. We're adults. No one is making us do anything.

You've risen above that though and have decided not only to do what is necessary but to inform us as a courtesy. Now we have an explanation for you absence and know not to fear the reason. That's not only nice it's responsible.

I hope you feel you can be a more active member sometime soon. In the meantime i continue to wish you the best.

Thanks everyone for your wonderfully supportive comments!

I think I've only had a couple of misunderstandings with other PC members whose Threads I replied to. My troubles seem to be more with such things as having my replies taken down, being told by moderators / administrators I was "off topic", that my reply was not supportive, etc.

I know I'm oversensitive about this. I've always been thin-skinned, you might say. It doesn't take much to put me off. This is part of the reason I work so hard not to offend. Yet, here on PC, as hard as I try not to do say the wrong thing in the wrong place, I still seem to keep messing up... tripping over my own feet, if you will.

Anyway, I hope I haven't given anyone the impression I'm going to leave PC altogether. I'm not! I just needed to express that I'm just not able to be as spontaneous as I have been in the past with regard to replying to Threads. As I read down through the Threads in the New Posts Forum (which I always do) each time I read a title that attracts me, at the same time I think about reading the Thread and replying to it, there's now a little warning bell that also goes off in my head that says: "Careful!" And as soon as I hear that little bell, my instinct tells me to move on, so I do. It's my failing. I can't help it. Perhaps over time, this will pass.

[ifst5]

For whatever it's worth i think that sounds more like a healthy awareness of boundaries - you know what you're capable of dealing with and what causes more negative feelings.

To a degree; rubbing people up the wrong way, misunderstandings and occasional confrontation are all part of the process. I think sometimes we get so locked in to helping and supporting each other that we forget what this place involves - frequent high tension over very personal and sometimes extremely difficult topics.

You're in no way a failure for recognizing what your limitations are...in fact i would say that it's a necessity here. We can't all be perfect members who interact with textbook precision - life is just far too hard and messy for any of that. Lets face it it would also be pretty boring and unproductive.

Sorry i'm not trying to fob you off with empty consolation - i just want you to see that you're really not doing a bad job of contributing here. You're a valued member. Take all the time you need, we're here for you as long you need us

[Fuzzybear]

(btw I have never seen you mess up, and can also relate to trying so hard not to "offend" as well as being very sensitive)

[-jimi-]

Originally Posted by The Skeezyks

This is part of the reason I work so hard not to offend. Yet, here on PC, as hard as I try not to do say the wrong thing in the wrong place, I still seem to keep messing up... tripping over my own feet, if you will.

I have yet to see you "mess up". But I can so relate to trying not to offend. I know how it feels to have to watch my back, because one incorrectly phrased sentence can mean immediate rejection.

[TheOriginalMe]

Hey Skeezyks, I love reading your posts. I scan for names, there are some posts that I know will be worth reading, yours are always entertaining and hidden away there will be a gem of insight sparkling like a diamond in the coal dust. You will always be welcome to reply to any of my threads, don't stray to far, I'm needy and I like familiarity and I'd miss you.

[DocJohn]

I'm sorry to hear this, and hope you do find a way to not let it stop you from continuing to express your feelings and opinions. Sometimes we do err on the side of caution with certain threads, and you may been caught in some of that.... You are a valuable member of our community and I appreciate your contributions.

Best,
DocJohn

[lizardlady]

The Skeezyks, thanks for posting this. I've been feeling similarly lately. It's not because of actions by mods/admin. It's the comments I've drawn from some other members. Like you, I think I am positive and supportive in my posts. Lately though it seems I'm taking heat because I have a different opinion than the majority. As a result I find myself pulling away and not coming here much in self defense.

Thanks for posting this because I was afraid to say anything.

[PoorPrincess]

Originally Posted by Frankbtl

Hi Skeezycks, just saying what you think is when you're being the most genuine/the most true to yourself (which is really important) and you still come across as really warm, positive, supportive.
But not everyone is going to agree with everything, it's all part of being individuals. Hopefully we can all learn from each other but at times...........it can be as much about at least having a positive balance between criticism from some and what we get/give back from/to others. And as far as I've seen Skeezycks, you easily have that!!
You are really respected by a lot of people on here, you are really insightful, you offer unique/invaluable perspectives and you're a big part of P.C.

Alison

I agree with the above and affirm same.

I respectfully do not agree with the last paragraph (omitted from above quote) because I myself don't care to "talk it over" or "work it out" with the attacker/aggressor. (I, like you, am "of an age" wherein I must needs mindfully choose where/ how I spend limited life energy.)
It is simply not anything I am interested in investing of my time or energy.
It's just not worth it. Some persons have never learned to "play well with others".

Note: I received one terse private message saying simply "Stay off my threads".
I was never inappropriate, controversial nor did I 'flame' the highly interesting and thought-engaging threads started by the individual.

So, fine.
I simply no longer bother to even read that person's threads. End of story.

I too have consciously chosen some backing-off of my participation of my energies on PC lately.
I am reassessing my respect for the site at present.

We didn't come to PC to be bullied or as you say "slapped".
They are not worth it, Skeezyks.
You are worth not giving it another moment of your energy or consternation.
I hope that you may already be at peace by now and affirmed what you already truly know of your own integrity and honorability.

Kudos.

Same here. My numbers have gone from 7 posts per day to 6.63 in the past couple of months. If you're into percentages that's a steep drop for someone with close to 6000 posts.
I'm confrontational, opinionated, and a realist. Probably one of those people who is being talked about

[Fuzzybear]

Thank you The Skeezyks and lizardlady for posting. I'm usually afraid to say anything as I dislike ruffling fur etc up the wrong way so end up editing my posts (in all threads) down to hearts only. But I also think I'm supportive and positive in my posts and like someone else posted I'm baffled if occasionally I receive a "slap" from a member. I suppose we're all at different stages of owning our stuff, thanks again The Skeezyks for your honesty and openness and posting despite the worries many of us have..(worries about being misunderstood, invalidated etc which has happened to me and others with doctors IRL..) (sorry for the crap post, it's hard for me to translate how I feel into words sometimes )

Originally Posted by lizardlady

The Skeezyks, thanks for posting this. I've been feeling similarly lately. It's not because of actions by mods/admin. It's the comments I've drawn from some other members. Like you, I think I am positive and supportive in my posts. Lately though it seems I'm taking heat because I have a different opinion than the majority. As a result I find myself pulling away and not coming here much in self defense.

Thanks for posting this because I was afraid to say anything.

[-jimi-]

Originally Posted by Frankbtl

As for the "slaps", maybe worth talking to the individuals about a bit more, to try to get them more on the lines of constructive criticism, or to the admin about depending on the situation???

The problem here is that if someone offends to the point of breaking rules (which isn't hard because if it is not supportive it is a breach), you are not allowed to talk it out with them. You are only allowed reporting them. I'm used to environments where I am actually allowed discussing with people and "making up". So that is one thing that makes me not really fit here.

But I will do the best of things. I mean afterall someone owns this site and run it the way they want it and I have to accept that.

[SnakeCharmer]

Dear The Skeezyks, I have always enjoyed your posts and found you exceptionally supportive and reinforcing. I don't post in every forum, but I do scan for topics and posters that I like and read them and if I see your name pop up, I always read your posts because I like your style and your thoughts.

LizardLady I read your posts, too, and like them very much. You radiate good sense. GeorgeH I've seen only a few of your posts and I didn't find them too opinionated or confrontational for my taste. I like them. I like realism and I have to pull the reins in on myself because I, too, tend to veer over onto the confrontational side. Fuzzy, I love your sweet wordless posts, so reinforcing and supportive in just the right way at just the right moment. You have a deft touch. If I've neglected anyone who's posted in this thread about feeling bad, it's only because I read your post yesterday (and my memory is not very good for names.)

I've had a few of my posts removed. I even reported my own posts when I got confrontational with someone -- I tried to be as politely confrontational as possible, but the situation did not at all qualify as supportive on either side and I appreciated the fact that the moderators excised the problematic posts with a scalpel instead of a chainsaw.

I've discovered there are some forums and sub-forums where it's best I don't post at all. Even better, for me, to not even read them because my entire philosophy and way of operating don't match the general attitude of the regulars in that forum. I'm not on the same wavelength. I've had different life experience. I decided, without resentment, to withdraw from that particular area of the site, while enjoying other areas.

If I do post in those forums, my words drop with a resounding thud or are met with hostility because I'm not validating enough. So I decided to mosey over to forums where I can honestly and truly offer support and sympathy, even as I give a general dose of my idea of realism -- some of it slightly confrontational, but still supportive.

In my opinion, the rules here about offering support are good ones because you never know what impact criticism, or even differing opinions, will have on the people behind the computer keyboards, the people we can't see. I think, perhaps, one of the reasons people are expressing an urge to pull back is because in some of the forums cliques have formed and if a poster doesn't tow the party line of the clique, they'll be considered invalidating. At least, in my opinion, that's what I think is happening. I could be wrong.

But I don't know if there's anything that could be done to change it that wouldn't create a worse situation. I've participated at other forums and been a moderator at a couple and this is really one of the best behaved groups I've come across. Which is remarkable, when you consider that the common attraction here is mental and emotional problems, which means people may be extra sensitive and may have problems with boundaries and don't know anything IRL except dysfunctional relationships. So I'm very impressed with how well behaved this site is, for the most part.

If anyone has found themselves mired in a particular forum where other posters may be feeling over-sensitive or be demanding validation of any darn thing they say, maybe the solution is to take a vacation from that particular area for a while and take up residence where you may feel a little bit more appreciated. That's what I did. I left the forum I was most attracted to because it wasn't a good fit. Then I discovered satisfaction in other forums, some of it surprising to me.

Skeezyks, I'm pretty sure your input will be highly valued in many areas of the site. If things have gotten over-sensitive in a particular forum or thread, a vacation from that area might be in order. You deserve support, too. Maybe you haven't been getting it because you do come across, at least to me, as a strong and put together person, perhaps way stronger than average, dealing honorably and heroically with a life problem that would crush other men and women. Even the most heroic among us have feelings, just like all of us and I'm glad DocJohn weighed in to emphasize that you are valued here.

That goes for everyone else, too . I feel honored to talk to so many people here who have turned their personal adversity into compassion, empathy and support for other people. That's not something one always finds on the internet. But it really is alive and well here. I hope you all keep posting.

[unaluna]

Snake Charmer, i see where you got your name!

[lizardlady]

posted by Snake Charmer

I've discovered there are some forums and sub-forums where it's best I don't post at all. Even better, for me, to not even read them because my entire philosophy and way of operating don't match the general attitude of the regulars in that forum. I'm not on the same wavelength. I've had different life experience. I decided, without resentment, to withdraw from that particular area of the site, while enjoying other areas.

This is the part I'm struggling with. I know that certain forums/subforums are not a good fit for me right now. I know I should stay out. But there is a part of me that says I've enjoyed that place before. I want to be able to continue going there.

I'm big on personal responsibility. I know what I should be doing to take care of myself. Then I end up back in those forums....

[Travelinglady]

Just a comment: Please remember that folks are asked to try to work out their differences here--but just not in the forums. We can use private messages to talk back and forth. If we can't work things out, then we can try to informally ignore the person or put them on official "ignore."

I have to admit that I am triggered by "fights" and critical comments made by people to others. Many of us here are sensitive to such things, I dare say. And we are supposed to be a site where folks come for support and a comfortable environment. So, we members do need to be careful with how we word things, even if lots of people would not be upset by our words.

And, yes, we do need to be our own parents, so if we are bothered by something, then we need to try to step away.

My two cents' worth anyway. No site can please everybody, but the powers-that-be do care and do the best they can.

Skeezyks, I value you, too.