I'm writing this from the comfortably cushioned cocoon of too many clonazepam. I just opened a new bottle. Looking in my personal shelf I saw 2 other unopened bottles. I seem to have semi overcome severe anxiety enough so that I take much less that the prescribed dosage... ergo my 3 full bottles. Formerly full bottles
I don't know why I got the scrips refilled. Saving for a rainy day? Some hidden motive that I don't choose to examine maybe. Because I haven't given much thought to the motives. I could stay high (low?) for quite a while. I doubt that I will. I don't really have an addictive personality.
I'm not sure why I'm posting this.
Maybe because I tend to maintain a very private persona... I rarely share my personal problems, thoughts, and issues. My walls are thick and high... surrounded by moats and mine fields. I don't recall ever asking for help or support.
Lone wolf... Tiger actually... I'm not one to engage in pack behavior.
So maybe I thought I'd share something for a change of pace.
Or maybe I'm posting just because I'm bored.
I have to admit I don't know myself much better than anyone else knows me. And no one else knows me truly. I have a reputation here... I should say I have reputations here. Bad boy... nice guy... caring & compassionate... cold and abrasive... dishonest... honest to a fault. Probably some truth in all of them
But I very rarely digress and I seem to be doing exactly that.
Better stop now

[saw_q]

lonely tiger.. woooarr.. hehe

Mmm I think that just as a person can feel lonely in a crowd, a person can also be alone and not feel lonely. The wolf is an instinctive pack animal, so a lone wolf probably would miss the comfort of a pack. The tiger is born to be alone so probably doesn't even understand the need. It may feel a vague longing, rarely, but w/o the pack instinct won't feel lonely

[SmileHere]

I have too much meds too 'just in case' lol - can take less than prescribed too...

Just curious, what have success... or failure have to do with the rest of your post? Success in needing less than prescribed? That is success indeed!

Do you wish to know yourself better? Or to have a door in the walls and a path among mine-fields for selected individuals of grand taste?

Originally Posted by SmileHere

I have too much meds too 'just in case' lol - can take less than prescribed too...

Just curious, what have success... or failure have to do with the rest of your post? Success in needing less than prescribed? That is success indeed!

Maybe. I did say that I'm not sure what my post is about. Maybe just an opening for a free form dialogue based on interpretations of anyone who reads and responds

Originally Posted by SmileHere

Do you wish to know yourself better? Or to have a door in the walls and a path among mine-fields for selected individuals of grand taste?

I'm not sure that knowing myself better is a good idea at this stage of the game.
I don't know that I really care about opening any doors. I know that it is generally accepted that as humans, we need those doors. I don't know if I could really allow anyone that much access. I suspect not. Not even individuals of grand taste
I appreciate the thoughtful reply.

[sabby]

(((((((((( George ))))))))))

I'm concerned about you right now. Concerned about all the meds you have stockpiled, knowing that you just took more than you need or should have taken. This, of course, is not a healthy behavior and one I think you need to consider more than you are.

It's great that you haven't needed those meds like you used to need them. Absolutely a success story there. Unfortunately, keeping them and not using them until now, and not in a healthy or prescribed way is concerning to me.

I would say this post is definitely you reaching out for someone to acknowledge you, support you, talk with you, care about you.

Please take good care of yourself. You deserve to do that!

I'm okay Sabby, really I am, but it's very nice of you to be concerned.

[Angelique67]

That's an impressive amount of Klonopin. Sure wouldn't last long here. I'd be on that stuff like red on blood. Sigh.

Hey George, I think it is important to ask for help when we need it. I'm female and weaker, but I still think men need nurturing support at times, no matter if your personality is that likened to a tiger.

I wouldn't be here if I hadn't reached out to people when I'm in need of some empathy and compassion, understanding.

I don't think anyone is capable of knowing ourselves completely. We learn and reflect off of others, through relationships.

[lizardlady]

George, I know you told Sabby you are okay, but I've gotta say I have the same concerns she mentioned. Take care of you, ok?

[Onward2wards]

I think I understand, George.

I thank you all for your concern and promise you that my post was not suicidal. I am less suicidal now than at any stage of my illness. I would not have just made two trips to the dentist if I was planning to do myself in

[sabby]

I'm glad you are okay George. I wasn't getting the feeling that you were really suicidal, more that you were not really caring what you did to yourself at this present time...maybe moving towards being suicidal in the near future is all.

Just know that reaching out is the best thing you can do when you need a connection of some kind. I think you did that here and I'm glad you did!

There is probably something to that Sabby but I've done so many self destructive things in the past that what I do now is almost cautious in contrast

[Wren_]

My walls are thick and high... surrounded by moats and mine fields. I don't recall ever asking for help or support.

this is one part in what you wrote that stands out for me ... partly because the wall part is familiar; just thinking here ...

would you like people to get past the moats and mine fields ...?
are there things you could do that would make it easier? (I guess writing this post is one part of it)
what are some of the main things that stand in the way?

... glad you are sharing here George

Originally Posted by tigergirl

this is one part in what you wrote that stands out for me ... partly because the wall part is familiar; just thinking here ...

would you like people to get past the moats and mine fields ...?
are there things you could do that would make it easier? (I guess writing this post is one part of it)
what are some of the main things that stand in the way?

... glad you are sharing here George

There are walls within walls. I'm not sure I'd ever want those to come down. Honestly I think the original post was just a conversation starter... but not a cry for help or an invitation to breach the inner walls. I like to draw/create attention but not in hopes of being the focus of attention. I'm very uncomfortable being the focus of attention. Hope that makes sense.

[Wren_]

yes it does ... lots of sense actually