[isolatedsystem]

I've come to the realisation that for 10 years now I've lived someone else's life. This was my only option, the truth would have killed me. I've only come to face the truth now because I decided to purchase a copy of my medical records.

When I was 3 months old I developed bacterial meningitis which almost killed me - I recovered with mild brain damage, which made me develop slower than others. I think this is the point where my mother become so protective of me. As I grew older, my facter decided to cheat on my mother and left my life for good.

My mother was very concerned about me - I weren't walking til the age of 2 and barely talking at the age of 5. I didn't even use a proper toilet until the age of 10. I was extremely immature for my age, and I was extremely clingy to my mother - I would hate being anywhere without her.

I was diagnosed with Dyspraxia and severe Sensory Integration Disorder, which caused me to misinterpret sensory inputs. Loud noises would be torture to me, and so would crowds. I absolutely hated being in a crowd, which I was very isolated. I also would not eat normal food - I would eat chips, chocolate, and a few select foods such as sausage rolls and that was it. Due to the sensory issues I also had issues going out on my own, because I wouldn't notice oncoming traffic and a few times I'd nearly been hit. So I had one close friend who lived next door, and when we went out I'd always stay in and play computer games.

When I went into high school, these problems still existed. On my first day, I got lost and broke down crying in the middle of a hallway. My sister found me and took me home, and after that I refused to go back to school. This time of my life was extremely distressing, and I can only imagine how distressing it was for my mother as well. My psychologist was very concerned and described me as being very avoidant and isolated, and also had severe anxiety (I had that from around 9 years old).

I was eventually placed into a small 'class' at a library, where only 3-4 other students were there and they had similar problems. This was absolutely amazing for me - it's the first place I ever enjoyed going without my mother. I excelled with my work my teachers were all happy with my progress. I still didn't go out - I had special taxi's back and forth the library as I still had severe sensory difficulties. I didn't speak to anyone in my class at all, but I was enjoying it.

But when I was 15 everything changed. I previously took my ICT GSCE a year early, and passed with flying colours. But then my mother suddenly fell ill, and I was terrified. Then I overheard my family saying she had terminal cancer. At this point...I don't know how I felt. It sounds awful but I didn;'t show any emotion whatsoever. I'd go back and forth the cancer hospital with my family, and I didn't cry once. To my family it looked like I didn't care one bit, and to be honest I didn't think I did either. And then she died...I remember sitting at my sisters home with them all crying, and I was sat there staring at nothing just trying to make sense of it all. My elder sister (35 years old at the time) became my legal guardian and she promised me that she'd take care of me. I become irate when I found and started shouting and screaming at her, but then I settled down but was never the same.

Later that year I made friends at the library. I began to go out by myself (despite my sisters concerns), and almost had a personality transplant. I never ever once mentioned my mother, and would even casually laugh when someone said a typical 'your mum' joke. I began to become pretty much obsessed with a girl who was part of our small group of friends, and she had anxiety/depression issues like myself. We became best friends and she became what I lived for. I disregarded my family and barely talked to them, I essentially made a new life for me to live.

I then joined college, then eventually University and passed with a distinction. I'm now working at a software developer, and on the surface my life is fantastic. I eventually got together and became engaged to the previously mentioned girl, and we're not trying for children.

I'm now 25 and some of my problems still exist. I still barely eat anything, even though I don't know why - I don't know what's stopping me anymore, and I still get very worked up and angry in crowds

But for the last 5 years I've noticed something wrong with myself. I could never put my finger on it but I didn't feel normal - I felt like a fraud. I thought it was depression, and I was prescribed SSRI's to help but they didn't. Since then I've tried numerous drugs to help with depression and anxiety but nothing has worked in the slightest. I began to become emotionally unstable - getting extremely upset over minor occurrences or arguments with my fiancee and contemplating suicide.

Recently, I decided to pay the £50 to get my medical records so I could make sense of everything. Upon reading that, that's when I realised what's wrong with me. I'd been living a life that's not my own, one that I never should have lived. The real me has never grown up and is still a 15 year old recluse.

I've been extremely tearful and upset since reading them and remembering the past. I've realised that I don't want this life anymore - I've pretended for 10 years that I'm someone else but I can't go on. It's finally clear why I feel so empty and unworthy, and that's because I'm living in a fantasy world where I think I can cope on my own and can disregard all my problems, but I can't. I never realised just how much I need and miss her. Every thought of her brings me to tears - I loved her so much and on her death bed she must have thought I hated her. She was the one person who made me comfortable and feel safe, and treasured me with all her heart.

I've never realised just how lonely I am. I'm a hollow shell of a person, one that pretends to be happy and live a normal life but inside is dead. When I look in the mirror I don't know what I'm looking at, I detest myself for what I've done - I should never be living this life. My fake personality can no longer exist, but I don't see how the true me can exist any more when that existence was only possible because I had my mother to protect me from the harsh realities of the world.

Me and my fiancee are trying for a baby, and the thought of this is amazing beyond comprehension. But then I think about my true self and realise I'm not what I'm trying to be - how the hell can I raise a child when I still don't even eat properly or live a normal life? The only way I can see a way out of this is suicide. I'd love to be religious and to think that my mother's waiting for me in the afterlife but I'm not. I just want an end to this.

I want to believe that I had a treatable condition. I'm not so deluded that I think I can take a pill and become normal, but perhaps when my mother died my mind put a barrier up to the real world to protect myself from harm. Like some sort of PTSD which has hidden away for 10 years.

I'm sorry for the huge post, Thank you so much if you've read this, it means a lot to me.

[AncientMelody]

I am so sorry to hear that you've had such a difficult time. It certainly sounds as though the meningitis may have developed your brain development which could have lead to some of your sensory difficulties. And to this outsider's perspective it sounds as though perhaps you walled off your emotions regarding your mother and never let yourself properly grieve for her.

I can't say I can relate to you in every sense, I did not have some of the severe troubles you did and fortunately my parents are still with me. But in the sense of "feeling like a fraud" I cannot BEGIN to tell you how much I identify with that. I excelled in school but was such a shy kid, and as time went on I had a lot of insecurity about myself socially, clung to the few deep relationships that I had.

I am a physician assistant and even though I did well during my medical training I always thought to myself "they're going to find out soon. I'm not as smart/intuitive/organized/etc as they are. Soon they're going to realize I'm kidding myself, I can't do medicine"

Or some similar thing. I felt like a kid walking around in an adult's body. Not every day, not all the time, but it really affected my confidence for a long time.

Medicine has helped my anxiety symptoms. It did not help these insecurities. What did help to some degree were high dose fish oil, but most especially therapy. Fish oils have been proven to be beneficial to brain health so this may be something for you to strongly consider.

Obviously we have different issues, but I think you owe it to yourself to consider therapy. I wish you the very best.

[isolatedsystem]

Thanks so much for your reply. I think you're spot on with me walling off my emotions, I think that was a protective measure by my own mind to allow me to carry on. It sounds strange but I never quite realized I was doing this until recently, I preferred to just live a new life and try to forget about my past. I've been on a lot of SSRI's for anxiety to little effect - what medicine do you think has helped you the most? I think I'll certainly try the fish oil as well

I've seen my doctor and I'm now scheduled to see a counselor about this so I'm hoping this will help. I think I need to start comings to terms with my past and look to the future. I'm considering whether to write a letter to my family to explain how I walled off my feelings from anyone, as I think becoming more open about this is going to help me move on.

I'm not feeling as hopeless as I did yesterday, but I'm feeling a bit more...real. I just want to believe that my mother knew/knows how much I love her and how sorry I am for walling off my feelings.

Thanks again, I wish you the very best too

[Mike_J]

I remember the first visit with my therapist, she warned me "things are going to get worse before they get better" and she was right, but I'm in a much better place than I ever thought was possible. It was a lot of hard work and a lot of introspection having to face my inner self was so difficult but something that I needed to do. For years I felt like such a fraud, that I was faking my way through life, and in many ways still do, but it's hard to deny that I have accomplished all of the things I have accomplished. It was you that went through college, "hollow shell" or not you did it. You did that and so many other things, it's all YOU, you the "shell" you the "15 year old recluse" they are all part of you. Don't try to deny them, or fix them, accept them, be kind to the 15 year old recuse, fill up the hollow shell with love.

[Open Eyes]

I don't see it as you are living a lie tbh. I see an individual that had an illness that challenged their brain, it took time for that brain to rewire to accomodate in spite of that challenge. You have been growing and gaining this entire time. As far as not feeling or distancing from being emotional when your mother got ill and died, you just did not know "how" to deal with that experience. What you are feeling now is simply a delayed grieving because you have had time to mature since then and you are "ready" to finally mourn that loss.

People often feel as though they are somehow faking or should be more self aware than they have been, all that means is that person is ready to become more self aware, it doesn't mean they are a "pretend" person really. Your mother would have been so proud that you achieved so much, that is what every mother wants for her child, why she protected you too so you would feel safe while you worked on growing and gaining. The human brain is pretty amazing you know, can compensate and rewire itself in spite of injuries and strokes even where areas can suffer damage.

I think seeing a therapist to help you with this is a good idea.
You have just come to a point where you are finally ready to talk about it, heal and grow.

[hamster-bamster]

I also think you are going through delayed grief. You said that you are not religious, but still - go to your mom's grave, put or plant flowers and say the things that you wish you had said but did not.