[squidyward]

Am I Insane? Need help
First off I'm new here, so I guess I should drop a quick hi
I really need to get some things off my chest, and get some feedback, so I thought I may as well do it here.
So far I've been diagnosed with depression, generalized anxiety, and anorexia. But I've never told anyone about what I'm going to write about here. It's important to me and I'd really appreciate some feedback.

Where to start. I guess it started when I was younger, I used to idolize characters from tv, or video games. Sounds silly but a character from that game Sonic the Hedgehog was like my hero haha. I tried to mimic some of the ways he acted, mostly good traits, like being kind and doing your best etc. Innocent and common enough for a child.
Then when I was around twelve I moved on to another character from a game called Okami. This is where the trouble began. I was going through a chubby phase, and the character was rather slim and busty. Luckily enough, puberty slimmed me down and I got a bit of cleavage, so there wasn't much trouble, although i did begin to skip a few meals to 'further the progress'. It didn't evolve into full blown anorexia yet, but that's the earliest i can identify it.

These past twoish years have been where things went downhill and got weird. I had an online penpal who I was helping with her writing (I'm very into writing and visual art). I didn't really like the girl and for some reason, I thought it would be funny to make up a character and act like they were actually in my life (does this make sense? Kind of like catfishing but not really). It started out innocently enough, but then the penpal asked for a picture of her. So I went online, searched really really hard for a picture that matched my description of the imaginary girl (we'll call her 'P' for clarity) and sent one to her.
Pretty soon the penpal was asking about P and wanted to see more pictures and stuff, so I found the same girl, stalked her facebook, made a fake profile and became friends with her, and then saved all of her 700 pictures onto my phone.I now keep them all in a separate dropbox account to keep it secret in case anyone goes through my phone. Yes, I realize how creepy this is.

This isn't the worst of it yet. So the whole thing got out of hand and I ended the friendship with the penpal. However, by this point I'd become absolutely infatuated by this girl that I had stalked, and by the character I'd created. I started to try and become the character, who is rail thin, and routinely does drugs.
This sparked my anorexia. I lost a great deal of weight (not mentioning numbers for triggers)and am now struggling to get back into recovery. I also picked up a drug habit, though not as serious as the characters.

Whenever I'm doing something, I constantly think "would P do this? Would P eat that?" or "How would P do this? What decision would she make?" and base my life off of that. It's crazy.

I really need help like this, it seems benign but it pushed me to the point where I'm sick and hurting over it. I am sixteen now. Can anyone give any insight? Am I delusional? I know this entire thing is wrong and creepy and I feel bad about it but i can't stop and I wouldn't really appreciate any harsh words.

Thank you for reading this big hunk of text, if you managed

[Mike_J]

First I don't think you are insane.

Can you talk to your counselor at school?

Your parents have to know there is some issue with you losing weight, I would suggest a full physical by your family doctor, then a referral to a psychiatrist and to start seeing a therapist.

You are going through a very tough age, I know this will sound like I'm trivializing your situation and that is that last thing I want to do, but things do get better

Hello squidyward: First I'd like to congratulate you for being willing to face the problems you're having. The teenage years are tough. You are not insane. However, you are clearly concerned about yourself &, of course, anorexia is certainly a potentially serious illness. Likewise, this drug habit you mention is also of concern. So I'd like to encourage you to seek out some therapy services for yourself in whatever way works best for you (through school, at a community mental health center, etc.) Many people take years and years to come to the realization you have already come to. (I know, I'm one of them.) Take advantage of this hard-won self knowledge. My best wishes to you!

[Little Jay]