[Zygara]

So for those following my recent posts, I wanted to make a post how this last month has been. For those who haven't, feel free to check out my other posts.

Well, I graduated high school about a month ago. Been feeling kind of empty ever since. Feeling a lack of direction, feeling worthless, and feeling like I've reached the end of the road. My expiry date, so to speak.

Possible trigger:

So I've had thoughts to end my life

because I feel like there will be no progression from here. I've had those recurring thoughts of manifesting and projecting my own negative feelings about myself onto my body.

Possible trigger:

Disfiguring my body so that I look the way I feel about myself. I've thought about cutting my face, shaving all my hair off, and mutilating my genitals.

There seems to be no end to these thoughts, and the desire to do these things is just getting stronger each day.

Lately I've felt abandoned (by online and real life friends) as well as someone I recently had been obsessed with. (she filled the void, and is no longer there) My only real life friends are going off to university (inevitable, I guess) and my online friends no longer go to the site we all used to meet at. I'm scared that I will be left alone. I know this is all so pathetic. I just don't want to suffer with these thoughts anymore, without anyone distracting me from them. I've tried to avoid any possible triggers to these thoughts by sleeping all day (till about 9pm, sometimes) I don't really want to live this way anymore, honestly.

I recently was referred to a new therapist (those who followed my old threads may know this) and I had my first session with her on Thursday. It is CBT therapy. I find it very difficult to open up, and feel very disconnected. I can't help but begin to dislike the therapist for the fact that she is getting paid because of my issues, and that she truly doesn't give a **** about me. I feel pathetic for desiring some kind of love and validation, and feeling angry and upset at the fact I likely won't receive it from a therapist. I crave validation and some kind of closeness. I'm pathetic, and these desires are pathetic.

I don't know where to go from here, I just hope the CBT will begin to work for me. It's hard to deal with this constant inner turmoil.

[Ripose]

You mentioned 3 things that everyone needs in their life; love, validation, and closeness, you should not feel bad for wanting these things at all. Also everyone varies in how much of these things that they need for themselves.

Have you tried just simply telling your therapist exactly these 3 things that you need?
Does this website give you anything you need?

Remember even a stranger can care about you, I know I do.

Have a good day and a great life, they are possible for you!

[Zygara]

Originally Posted by Ripose

You mentioned 3 things that everyone needs in their life; love, validation, and closeness, you should not feel bad for wanting these things at all. Also everyone varies in how much of these things that they need for themselves.

Have you tried just simply telling your therapist exactly these 3 things that you need?
Does this website give you anything you need?

Remember even a stranger can care about you, I know I do.

Have a good day and a great life, they are possible for you!

Thank you Ripose. Your reply made me smile. It feels good to know you care. As for telling my therapist, I'm a little scared of being rejected. I've noticed that CBT therapists tend to be very detached and cold. Even if they are trying to be warm, it still feels very disconnected. I don't know how they'd deal with my desires for love, validation and closeness.

And yes, the site does help a lot. It helps to share my thoughts to others, and receive advice.

[Ripose]

I understand what you mean about CBT therapists being cold, but the point of telling them is not to receive what you need from them. It is so they guide you in finding these things yourself in other aspects of your life. Even CBT therapists must realize that everyone is different.

Have a good night!