[The Madcap]

I Just feel down. I've always beat myself up. Ever since I was young. I feel so dumb. In school, I was never the fastest learner. It would take me a while to get things or to understand something. If my step dad tried explaining things to me, and I didn't get it, he would get very pissed off. first time he ever freaked out was when I was in 4th grade. I didn't get this math problem (I suck at math, but I'm good at reading and history) And he kept trying to explain but I didn't get it. After he got frustrated, I got turned off from asking him for help. Ever since then, My self esteem hasn't been the best. Teachers have told my parents that I'm slow, or have ADD, or bad fine motor skills. I was always the shy, awkward, anxious, weird kid at school. I just hate being socially awkward. But what really got me today, was the fact that at my new job (I'm a cashier and I always feel anxious to freak in death going to work). My boss was giving me a hard time, and I didn't feel like I was doing my job right. He said other employees were complaining that I was slow. He lectured me and I got all socially awkward around him. I just feel so meaningless. My girlfriend is beautiful, smart, good at her job, etc., and I'm just slow and stupid and weird. When I was in high school, my only teacher I connected to was my English teacher. such a good man. He would adopt children, and even children with autism, add/adhd, etc. I am crying right now because he was kind of a second father/grandfather to me (he was in his 60s) And I would vent to him. I just wish I had meaning in life. I just don't want to live hear anymore. I'm so useless. I wish Aliens could just take me away and I could be at peace with them. Just so sick of this ****ing planet you know. I always feel like I'm the chosen one or something, but then I feel like that's just dumb thinking. I'm pretty smart. Like I know my history, and I write, but none of that is going to be applied to real life..

[annoyedgrunt84]

I can relate to so much of what you wrote people often tell me I'm the smartest person they know but I struggled with math as well. I Also don't feel very smart I always ruminate on everything I don't know every time I mispeak I berate myself about it for hours even days. Sometimes I think about it weeks or even months later and get embarrassed all over again.

[superfly47]

You have self-esteem issues, I have those as well. Fortunately you can work on improving and correcting that. Reading books and information on it really helps, but you need to do some of the exercises they provide. If you just read everything, you'll think this is great, but no lasting change will happen.

[Dog on a Tree]

There is no way your dumb. We all have our own strengths and weaknesses. Also it's wrong of your step dad to get frustrated just because you didn't get what he was explaining.
But please know that you are not dumb. I myself was a slow learner, I didn't pay attention in school, I had no desire to. But I call myself a late bloomer, and I actually think I have in some respects surpassed my peers in some sense. You'll get there, perhaps you are also a late bloomer =)

[avlady]

i feel sorry that you can't do math, that is one of my downfalls too. i used to be very smart but after several head injuries, i'm not so quick anymore. don't belittle yourself, you are good at other things. i was just wondering if you chose the right job being a cashier if you're not good at math. you need to get into something you are cut out for.good luck and welcome.

[Fuzzybear]

[psyco123]

hi, madcap

you know i think almost everyone goes thru this period when they feel like they're not worth it. but let me tell u, You are very very very special. None of us are worthless because God doesn't make worthless things. Each and every living thing on this earth was created with a purpose. Shame and guilt sometimes lead to such thoughts. But God is more than that remember? His love and mercy are huge.

Stay strong and courageous dear...