[InnerVerse]

And what can fix it? Post general ideas. or here are hypotheses to comment on from my specific case:

I am 33 and despite trying really hard my entire life, everyday around the clock, I have not accomplished very much despite having above average intelligence. The main mechanism being that if I try to make myself do something I can’t no matter how hard or long I try to force myself. But if I start daydreaming about something else theres a decent chance I subconsciously start doing some form of procrastination that at least feels productive, that I also know I couldn’t have made myself do intentionally, and sometimes I spontaneously start doing the thing I was trying to make myself do. It feels like i’m doing the activity with a series of moreso subconscious commands then when i consciously do something. Listening to audiobooks also sometimes helps. This goes for any kind of self assertion, physical and even mental activities like reading/studying or computer work, even leisure and exercise, as well as for getting out of bed. I know some people experience this, but i have it hardcore 24/7. The severity of the debilitation becomes more obvious as soon as the task requires more attention or decisions and I try to shift my focus accordingly or if my daydreaming stream grows weak, I then have a mental breakdown trying to stay on task. It use to be more so indecision, fatigue, sleepiness. Then I started taking stimulants(caffeine, Adhd stims) and the symptoms of brain-fog, distractibility, and what i describe as intensity with a somatic expression at the base of my sternum were more pronounced. It seems like my brainS are doing everything they can to avoid the pain of working together on the same thing at the same time. After this happens the only way to reset is with a nap it can even be a nap where i nod off for a second and snap back awake. Sometimes its as if in those few seconds I change into a completely new person only to repeat the process over again.But w/even low doses of the stimulants naps are difficult. W/out stimulants its very hard not to sleep 10-12hrs a day. Before my situation got more desperate I could often times go into a flow state after waking up, esp w/stims, that would last from 20-40mins before brain-fog.
I’m leaning toward an emotional or developmental causality over a biological one. I am an empath and crave relationships, but have unfortunately isolated myself and sacrificed almost all of them in attempt to just keep up with my bills and messes. That being said, emotional intimacy has always been hard for me because i came from an unemotional, very quiet father and a mother who was ashamed of her emotions and upbringing, which is probably why I crave it. Socially school was very difficult for me, not because i was bullied or outcast. I suspect mostly for the same reason of not being able to engage my brain in conversation unless it is very controversial, intellectual or emotional. I had a very hard time accepting the way people were treating each other starting in middle school. I have always felt there is so much going unsaid, there are so many things we aren’t talking about that are much more important than the things we are taught and talking about.

Ego or Personality Disorders: I’ve probably always been more self-conscious then other males my age except for when my energy is high. It doesn’t feel as if I ever engrained a personal identity, although others would disagree, it feels I just learned to fake it. I think this was because my energy fluctuated so much and because I have a very analytical, logical engineer’s brain as well as a very empathic brain, neither of which could rationalize the defacto arbitrary nature or injustice of whimsically embracing a random set of personality traits. The fact that loss of will-power is called Ego-depletion is interesting.

Toxic-Shame: Looking at the chart extracted from Lovheim’s cube of emotions shame correlates with low energy. It would make sense from an ethnological standpoint to prevent recurring fights in a herd shame causes the brain to disconnect and deenergize so ego isn’t asserted. I imagine that if the level of shame necessary to parent an agro child(my brother) was asserted to an empath child it might cause ptsd like scenario. Or her passing her shame onto me in other subconscious ways. Also the artificial shame inherent in being raised in and buying into the sin-doctrine of western religion(southern baptist).

PTSD: It would be developmental as I haven’t had any single point traumas unless I’ve repressed them. I feel this is the state I am in though, almost 24/7. It might have started in school as social anxiety. And now we know what PTSD does to the brain, and how it can look like ADD. Which is tied to addiction. I have little doubt in my mind that I am in the same state as a severe drug addict just w/out the drugs just because I never did any drugs or alcohol, and have always been so focused on succeeding. I think my mom is an addict to her emotions, and her religion, and she admits she emotionally eats. Food and trying to learn how to make my brain work are my main addictions. The new addiction philosophies really resonate with me like Gabor Mate’s and Johann Hari’s emotional/relational causes of addiction.

TBI: I fell off my bike a few times back before helmets were cool, but nothing more then a few stitches.

ADHD or EFD: This goes beyond the symptoms of ADHD that I have seen.

Should I look into EEG, Spect or MRI? I would guess it would be something in the amygdala, prefrontal cortex or corpus colossum
It might not be left/right brain. Maybe a Concious vs Subconcious Conflict, or attentional vs motor(?) networks.

What am I missing? Please Help.

[CANDC]

Welcome to Psych Central. I am not sure where you want to take this. If you want to do more research try here
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[healingme4me]

Is the internal strife and procrastination affecting you, in your career?
One thought reading was my own recollections of procrastination can be one of numerous descriptions of a childhood that included family dysfunction. There's mention of addiction in your post, is food the only in home addiction?
Loss of will power is mentioned, as well as needing to sleep 10-12 hours.
Are you current on your physicals? How long ago were you diagnosed with an attention disorder? Does your therapist feel that shame was carried over by your mother's past? I'm presuming there's counseling since you're taking a prescription stimulant.
Are you experiencing other symptoms that would fall inline with a past head injury? Any types of hallucinations, mild or severe? Auditory, visual, olfactory? Neurologists would typically order such tests, as an MRI. Your primary could refer you, if presenting with a wide array of symptoms that could result from such a past head trauma. Do you get migraines?

You could print this out, and show your physician, they could then help you address this. Since it does sound very debilitating. It's better to gain clarity, to help you feel better and more functional.

Glad you found PC.

[eskielover]

Have you ever been tested for ASD (previously called Asperger's (on the autism spectrum but high functioning usually with quite high intelligence but in certain specified areas of interest & difficulty connecting emotionally with other people) It is known seems to show up more in people with ADHD....& also a nigher number of males than females are Dx'ed with this.....just a thought????

If you didn't loose consciousness from the accidents on your bike when you fell & had to have stitches on your head....it was considered a mild TBI.....known as a concussion which leaves no long lasting effects.

I don't know about the question you asked but there may be some underlying reasons for the behavior that may tie to maybe some other Dx that you might be dealing with....only a professional pdoc / psychologist can really determine.