[Loveyourself65]

Im sending this post out into the universe in hopes it reaches someone that can relate in anyway. I will start with some background info... I grew up in an isolated, poverty ridden town with three older brothers and both parents. My mom was/is very shy about anything womanly related, so i grew up surrounded by boys, knowing nothing about how to be a woman or how to love myself, respect myself ect. I became sexually promiscuous and continued to jump into sleezy relationships in a never-ending search for male acceptance. I started taking my moms pain pills and muscle relaxers when i was 16 and never really stopped. I jumped from job to job as well. Ive had atleast 15 jobs or more in 11 years. My parenrs both drink regularly and take their prescribed pain pills every day. They would make fun of addicts and so i could never tell them that i became addicted to the pills they openly shared with me. Fast forward to age 21, i was very addicted to tramadol, in a marriage in which i was cheating on my spouse non-stop, being very destructive. I reconnected with my now husband, whom ive known since i was 18. We moved in immediately after i left my first husband. I stopped tramadol and was very ill for almost two weeks. Exact same symptoms as an opiate withdrawal. Shortly after i became pregnant with my first and only child. I had a wonderful pregnancy, never took anything not even tylenol. Had my baby via C-section and of course became addicted to the pain killers i was given for an extended period of time. Ever since then, now five years later, i still struggle with the desire to take pills. But let me clarify this bizarness, i have never EVER taken more than the safe dosage of pain pills, was always very in control of my ability to function while taking them. I also never drink, i have muscle relaxers and anxiety meds which i never touch. I believe i suffer from some sort of thing in which taking pills (norco) makes me feel closer to my parents. They're both nice people and did their best to raise us four but never really tried at parenting. They were very hands off and yelled at us to handle most issues. I moved away from my hometown shortly after my kiddo was born. Ever since then, i dont take any pills. I would never buy them off the street. But when i go down to visit my family, the first thing i do is go by my moms, ask her for a pill and i take a half of a half. My tolerance is so low because i never take them, that that small amount will get me feeling high and thats all i will take for the whole day. Sometimes I'm there for two to four days, so thats barely a pill and half ive taken. Do you see why this is so bizarre? It doesn't seem like a typical addict situation... I feel, like i said that theres something psychological going on there. So, all that aside, onto my second issue, my "30 something crisis" which is what its referred to as. When we moved away from my hometown i immediately enrolled in the local JC and took classes there for four years because my child was still very young and we had no babysitter or family to help us. I got two associates. degrees and transferred to an amazing university near where i live. I was working hard to maintain my grades to get into physician assistant school, when i didnt get in this past january, my life seemed to really go gloomy. Around the same time, my mirena birth control was causing me very serious emotional disturbances and medical issues. I had it taken out and felt immediately better, but i feel i have been permanently changed by it mentally. I am getting ready to return to my university this fall after this summer break and to be honest, im completely dreading it. I have lost all joy in my life, i have lost all direction as well. I have this constant nagging feeling that my life clock is ticking.. That my expiration date could be tomorrow and i wouldnt be here to see my child grow up and get married. Or that i will wake up completely crazy and be committed or commit myself and leave my husband and son alone. Constant sad thoughts run through my mind all day every day. Some days arent as bad, but days like today when my husband walks in from work and i start sobbing against his chest praying silently for God not to leave me alone. So many questions lately, who am i? What is my purpose? Will my child be proud of me? Am i doing a good job as a parent? Is my husband happy with me? Am i worthy of his love? Am i worthy to be a mother? Am i mentally ill? And if so, will i ever be ME again? When is enough, enough? Will i ever be excited about anything again? I have changed so drastically in this last year, i have become concerned with the world, the future, whales!!! Cecil the lion! I used to obsess over cleaning my house and spending money on clothes a few times a week, getting my nails done, dreaming of getting that BMW ive always wanted, Now i buy second hand and wear no makeup at all, very simple and comfortable style. All of this, i have read about is exactly like a mid life crisis.... Which, in all realness.. I pray to God it is.. Because there is light at the end of my tunnel. If not, then i have to face a very painful and embarrassing reality that maybe i need professional help? Maybe they could just give me an old school lobotomy, scramble my frontal lobe up a bit and turn me loose, i could resume normal life without all these daunting thoughts invading my happiness. At the end of the day friends, i am just trying to better myself, live simpler, love more, laugh more, worry less and enjoy this very short life we are all given. By reaching out to all of you, knowing i am not alone, brings me much comfort..

Thank you for your post. I know you're not feeling well now, but your story is actually inspiring to read. You are continuing to work at your life.

I sympathize about the problems after the Mirena. Your estrogen & progesterone levels may very well not be well-regulated yet. Give your brain time before you decide that it's forever changed. The brain takes time to bounce back after a substance it has gotten used to is removed. It's very common for it to take a year.

What you said about being concerned with the world really resonated with me. I do think that there are so many disturbing things going on in the world now, things that stretch our faith in humanity to the breaking point.

I find that my ability to handle "the news" drops drastically when I'm feeling down or anxious. During summer 2014, I ended up taking a complete break from reading/watching/paying attention to news/current events because I was very depressed and the news was sending me into a sort of existential despair.

Generally, when I'm not so depressed, I have a slightly thicker skin for the news, although I always keep an eye on how much I let in. My sense has always been that news outlets go for the disturbing and outrageous, and I have read articles that validate my impression. Bad news sells/gets more attention.

If you can work it into your life, seeing a therapist can be very helpful. An antidepressant would probably help you for now, too. If you don't want to take psych meds, there are supplements like 5-HTP and sam-E (kind of expensive) that can boost your mood.

Don't discount the huge effect stopping the Mirena is having on you. I can't remember the brand name now, but I was thrown into a severe depression once by stopping oral contraceptives. I was agitated and crying and having the urge to drive my car into every bridge I saw, which was especially bad because I lived near the coast.

If you are able to see a doctor to talk about the hormonal effects of stopping the Mirena, they might have some suggestions for helping your body and brain to adjust.

There are lots of things in your post that I haven't addressed. I'm glad that you've posted on these forums and hope that you'll hang around. It's a good place to write down your problems/troubles and also to see what similar things other people are going through.

P.S. I think 27-28 is a common age to go through a life stage crisis. I know I did, and I have heard lots of other people say that they did, too.

[Loveyourself65]

thanks so much for responding and taking the time to read my novel! I had a ruff day yesterday and needed to vent.. I've seen therapists in the past, it was crazy expensive, I do have insurance, so I am going to look into it, if I am depressed and medication can help, then I welcome it! I am just so leary of messing with my brain chemically.. thank you again for responding

I think you're very smart to be wary of "messing with your brain chemically". You might want to try supplements like omega-3s, 5-HTP, or sam-E. Those are all things that are in your body naturally. They are not cheap either.

This is a link to a column by a woman who writes great articles about fighting depression. She talks about food, supplements, exercise, and pretty much anything you could think of to help. She has some great ideas.

I especially like her article about foods that she eats everyday to fight depression.