[NeedSomePeace208]

I have read a book by Windy Dryden on guilt. The problem is that the examples he gives of his fictitious patients feeling guilt are things like seeing a spouse's parents instead of one's own because they need assistance more.

But what about when the guilt sufferer HAS done something objectively wrong and/or bad? I have done things like this due to low self-esteem, poor impulse control and depression and the guilt is with me all day, every day. I feel compelled to go over exactly what I was thinking and feeling at those times, to see if there is any saving grace that makes what I did 'less bad'. This is compounded by a type of OCD I have (diagnosed) where I feel compelled to remember events exactly as they are and how I felt.

I have tried mindfulness but I can't find help about what to do when the thoughts and feelings I am having are telling me that I am rotten. I also don't like how I have been with 2 very dear family members who died recently. Snappy, irritable, uncooperative. I always wante4d to get better so I could show these people how much I love them. Now I have no chance to do so.

I hate everything I have been. My issues with guilt predate these deaths but if I hadn't have been so self-absorbed and had spoken to one of them (who I lived with) I would have seen that they were physically ill and they still may have been here.

I am not religious so I can't pray for forgiveness. I don't believe in any afterlife so I will never get the chance to make it up to the 2 people, either. I wish so much that I could.

I am reluctant to discuss these matters with a therapits because they will want to know the whys and wherefores of what I have done and I don't want to discuss that.

Can anyone recommend any resources that can help? How can I overcome the loss and grief on top of the guilt when I don't feel like I even deserve to be here?

[Fuzzybear]

You aren't a "bad person"
"Bad people" never admit they have done anything wrong, it's ALWAYS about the other person ...

[SillyKitty]

I agree with FuzzyBear. You aren't a 'bad person' or you wouldn't feel any guilt. I struggle with this sometimes (no religion or afterlife here either), but I have to remember that I was ill. I try harder and know better now, and I wouldn't act in that way again, hopefully. You ARE a GOOD person. Next time you think about the negatives, try and think of a positive thing you've done to combat it.

Even if you don't believe in an afterlife, you can do the exercise of writing down the things that you feel you did to wrong the people that you're talking about, how it's making you feel, how you imagine it made them feel, and what you'd like to do about it if they are still alive.

Sometimes if people are feeling guilt about something they did to someone who is no longer living, they choose another way to make amends, like doing something to further a cause that the person believed in or doing something for their surviving relatives.

I'm including a link to an article about self-forgiveness and making amends. A formal process of evaluation and making amends if possible can help your grief to take form instead of being so overwhelming and amorphous.

[JamesFinucane]

So what are the worst things I did? I genuinely can't remember a whole lot.

[ManOfConstantSorrow]

This is compounded by a type of OCD I have (diagnosed) where I feel compelled to remember events exactly as they are and how I felt. Crikey, if I remembered all the things that caused me guilt/regret I would have no time for anything else. You have to move on, but in a constructive way of course.

Also, are you sure you are remembering them exactly and not putting a slant or emphasis on them that makes you feel bad? You have not done anything a court would condemn you for after all.

[Perna]

I would work on making friends with yourself and forgiving yourself. No one is perfect and when you were most ill you needed to do what you did for your own health just as you have recognized that your parents, etc. did what they did as a result of their illnesses? If you understand them a bit better and do not feel as bad about their actions toward you, you need to respond the same way to yourself. You are not more or less deserving than they are.

Maybe this can help? How To Forgive Yourself No Matter What | Prevention

[Angelwngs25]

I feel guilty about cheating on my Fiance with one of my neighbors in my apartment complex. The Fiance knows about it. And because of that I feel extremely guilty and afraid that my Fiance will cheat on me to get back at me. So, I know where you are coming from when it comes to guilt. I am sorry I couldn't help you more by like posting links for you to read like 2 of the other people did. I just thought it might make you feel better knowing your not the only person out there with this feeling.

[Eternitiy13]

I thought you are Polyamorous? Doesn't that mean you are in a relationship that supports that? No guilt, right?

[Angelwngs25]

Originally Posted by Eternitiy13

I thought you are Polyamorous? Doesn't that mean you are in a relationship that supports that? No guilt, right?

I am not allowed to date another guy, that is our agreement.

[eskielover]

NeedSomePeace.....since you understand the term mindfulness.....which is a huge skill of DBT, you might think about the skill of "RADICAL ACCEPTANCE".....sometimes we have to accept the way things were/are because there is nothing that we can do to change it. Radical Acceptance doesn't judge something right or wrong....it just is what it is & we accept it & "LET IT GO".

I use this skill a lot. There were things that happened during a trauma I lived through that I felt I could have done better to protect my mother & get her the care she needed....it was 10 years ago now. I realize that I did the best I could do....I have to radically accept that what happened happened. There is no way of going back & changing it or making things right or protecting my mother (she died soon after that of the cancer she had) & the police couldn't charge the home care person because in reality, I protected my mother so well that they didn't end up with the evidence that would have nailed her & put her into jail. Some things just are what they are & even if we replay it in our minds it doesn't change what happened, we JUST HAVE TO ACCEPT IT & LET IT GO.

Might be a good skill for you to look into learning how to do it.

[eskielover]

I am not allowed to date another guy, that is our agreement.

But you can date & have sex with other women???? Your fiancee thinks that's OK?

[Angelwngs25]

Originally Posted by eskielover

But you can date & have sex with other women???? Your fiancee thinks that's OK?

He doesn't care if I date a woman. I'm not allowed to date a man, but yes I can date a woman. He wouldn't like it if I dated another man and sleep with that man. He says since it's a guy that would bother him. I don't know why but he thinks it's okay for me to date a woman because in his words "It would make you happy". Besides that, I don't want to date another man. I want a woman.

[Eternitiy13]

Originally Posted by Angelwngs25

He doesn't care if I date a woman. I'm not allowed to date a man, but yes I can date a woman. He wouldn't like it if I dated another man and sleep with that man. He says since it's a guy that would bother him. I don't know why but he thinks it's okay for me to date a woman because in his words "It would make you happy". Besides that, I don't want to date another man. I want a woman.

I am sorry but that is the biggest load of of BS I have ever read. You posted in another thread about being worried that he is cheating on you.
It is OK for you to "want" another woman but to you it is not okay if he is cheating right??

Oh wait! I get it! It is about him liking the thought of watching you with another woman. Really not about making you happy. You have considered this, right?