Would you confront your parents about the problems you think they have caused to you or just walk away without saying a word about it? If you confront them, how will be their reaction?

For me I tend to confront them because I simply cannot walk away, at least not right now, and I always have this blaming in my head and it is causing me so much pain and harm (they cause me to talk to myself and sometimes shout like a crazy person with their images in my mind) and I need to let them out, but every time I confront them, they become defensive and insist that they are better than many parents and that I must be thankful for them, and then begin to compare me with others who are doing better than me and telling me that I have no excuse of not being like them, which makes me angry and frustrated, because they are basically saying it is all my fault that I cannot change and be a better person.

If my abusive mother wasn't deceased, I would wait until I no longer needed her for anything and then confront her about her abuse in such a way she would never forget.

I think the smartest thing to do is to avoid and hide until you are out on your own and no longer need them for any type of support before confronting them.

I have been in that place where I really needed to talk to my parents about certain things that happened during my upbringing, but they were totally unavailable for any discussion of that type, and in fact would start yelling at me and vehemently denying that they ever did anything of the sort (whatever I was asking them about.)

These things mostly happened when I was in my mid to late 20s. It presents a dilemma if the people who did certain things won't admit it or discuss it. I was mostly left with doing things like talking to a psychotherapist and writing letters to my parents telling them how certain things they did affected me or made me feel and what problems I was having as an adult because of them. I never sent those letters, but they did provide some psychological relief anyway.

As I got into my late 40s, my parents started talking about some of these things on their own. It seems that the distance of years allowed them to feel more comfortable admitting that, yes, they may have done some things that were damaging.

By that time, I had already somewhat accepted that they had done these things and come to the conclusion that I didn't think they had purposely hurt me. They were really very young when they were bringing me up and had lots of hurts from their own upbringing.

So, basically, by the time they were ready to discuss the things I needed to hear from them when I was a young adult, I had mostly moved past needing to hear it.

I don't know of anything, really, that can be done about this kind of situation. We often end up having to process our feelings of hurt and anger towards our parents without any participation from our parents.

And, of course, many people have much more serious issues to deal with from their childhood than I did. I experienced what I'd call garden-variety excessive criticism and emotional neglect. It was minor compared to what so many children go through, but it still had a huge impact on my psyche.

I don't have children myself, but I can see how, after putting so much time and effort and a huge chunk of their very lives into bringing up children, how many people would be unable to face any criticism from their children of that effort.

My experience is the much less serious variety, my parents meant well and did what they thought was right at the time but there were definitely issues - excessive punishment by one parent and periodic emotional unavailability owing to the other parent's MI (I still have a lack of connection with that parent).

The excessive punishment was probably not regarded as excessive at that time, that parent now regrets it and has voiced so.

The other parent I have compassion for, the emotional unavailability was beyond her control, the MI was beyond her control. I don't confront her, it would do no good and probably cause further harm to our connection.

I'm a parent, I know I'm not perfect - a lot of my perspective is shaped from that.

Where there has been out and out abuse and harm it is quite different I'd imagine though.

It seems that parents don't realized how much damage they can cause to their children from the slightest mistakes like neglect, critique, or comparison with others. They might have wanted you to be good educated or so, but in the process they create many issues that prevent the children from becoming good enough. Children don't simply forget. This is my experience at least.

walk away.

i know from past experience of talking to them- that they don't care what happens to me.

i could move to australia tomorrow and they wouldn't give a dam

though i'd love to confront them about how much damage they've caused in my life (i'd really like to do that), i know it won't do me- or them any good
i've been through enough with them

[MiddayNap]

Originally Posted by Le.Monsieur.S

Would you confront your parents about the problems you think they have caused to you or just walk away without saying a word about it? If you confront them, how will be their reaction?

For me I tend to confront them because I simply cannot walk away, at least not right now, and I always have this blaming in my head and it is causing me so much pain and harm (they cause me to talk to myself and sometimes shout like a crazy person with their images in my mind) and I need to let them out, but every time I confront them, they become defensive and insist that they are better than many parents and that I must be thankful for them, and then begin to compare me with others who are doing better than me and telling me that I have no excuse of not being like them, which makes me angry and frustrated, because they are basically saying it is all my fault that I cannot change and be a better person.

I think it's the acknowledgement we're after when we confront our parents about our pasts, but the way we go about it can come off a bit accusatory. It's to do with their pride, really. To admit they might've been horrible parents-despite providing the basics and not beating us black and blue-is akin to professing failure. I have a hard time talking about my parents because most will come to the conclusion they are bad people.
I suppose what I'm saying is this subject must be approached gingerly. Explain to them how you feel, but be sure to present it as merely a possibility not a reality. Gradually, coax them to share their feelings on the subject and if they are at least a bit self-aware you'll get at least a small admission of guilt. The human ego is a very fragile thing and conversations are difficult enough when they don't involve such upsetting content.
Recently, I've confronted my mother and father about their parenting-or lack thereof. I asked them why they ignored me and treated me like a nuisance in the most diplomatic way possible. At first, they insisted it was in response to my horrid nature, but the more we conversed the more they were able to see of my viewpoint. They were able to see that ignoring and demonizing someone most parents would take to the therapist might've been poor decision-making on their part. They've apologized, as have I, and we have a good relationship.
Patience and tact, my friend. Patience and tact.

[lizardlady]

Both of my parents are dead so I couldn't confront them if I wanted to. I walked away when they were alive and would do the same now if they were still alive.

For a long time I wanted to confront then. I wanted they to acknowledge that what happened was wrong. Eventually I came to realize that they did not think they'd done anything wrong. Confronting them would have just created more strife. I learned to heal from what happened and except that I'd never get that acknowledgement.

[(JD)]

It depends upon what I expected to receive from the confrontation. I never did confront, though I eased information into a discussion if my mother began it. I do wish we had been able to do more...there was so much she didn't know about ==family activity==that I saw when very young and "no one else" was around... I think sharing those things did help her understand, way too late mind you, the "why" of some people and things.