[Spectrolite7]

First I forgot to take it then the next day I decided not to take it and today I'm deciding not to take it again. I can already feel my personality and my anger coming back. I think anger is the thing that makes things happen. When I'm taking meds sometimes it feels like I don't feel anything really or have any emotions that can make things happen... I don't feel that angry when I take it. I kind of like feeling angry because I know if I'm angry, I will find ways to let my emotions out to create change around me... when i take meds, things might stay the same for a longer time. I hate that.

I hate life... I don't see anything special about me at all... I've been in a depressed state for too long. Things feel like useless. They diagnosed me as schizoaffective bipolar type but really, I don't think it fits me anymore... I think some time after I became atheist which was last year around november, after watching the show American Horror Story, I just lost all hope in believing anything out there will help me in this life... Life is shaped by your own self and if you are having difficulties with mental illness, it will be hard to change anything without anyone else helping. Things are much more harder the worse the mental illness is. Things have been hard for me and there's not a day that I don't think of suicide but then I think to myself, WHY should I? if what I really want is my life to improve... I want to sleep in my own room, I want my own place, I want to live each day doing things I enjoy whether it's working doing something I'm good at, having a creative day, drawing, making tie dyes, skateboarding, making music, anything. I want to live a good life, I want to live in a good comfortable place... THAT's WHAT I want. I don't enjoy the life I live currently... and depression makes it hard for me to think of working a normal job. I have been working every other day pet sitting and dog walking and soon I will be getting adult child and infant cpr first aid certified so that I can take care of children and adults even... and get some cash in my pocket...

I have applied for SSI and going through the appeal process. I need more help and I really need my own place because I don't fit at home living with my family anymore... I share a room and it's cluttered, I cant hardly walk through my room... IT IS LIKE HOARDERS... and I'm tired of it... I NEED extra help... I'm not sure that the people and doctors I see understand or even care to change my living conditions... THey are not helping me enough but the other day I called the case manager people and they spoke to me about some things that maybe might help. I hope they help and they dont forget about me because if they don't help within this month maybe I will just end my life because really, why do i have to continue living this torturous life... ? WHY? THIS IS complete ********. WHat's the use of waiting any longer? yes people say it's only temporary but for HOW LONG do i have to endure this torture? What if even if I asked for help, the help will never come?

[Angelique67]

Then you'll have to ask again and again until you get the help you need. I'm so sorry you're struggling so hard. Do you have a lawyer for getting the SSI? I'm not sure if you need one for that. My place is horribly cluttered and I hate it. Trying to do something about it but my plans keep falling through. Wishing you the best of luck!

[Spectrolite7]

yes, I do have a lawyer.. I hope you get help too. Thank you for understanding... I will keep asking for help.