[Wanderlust90]

I was diagnosed bipolar spectrum disorder in March 2015 after a failed antidepressant trial with pristiq for depression & anxiety. I'm not even sure I should have ever sought help via medications in the first place. Although my GP dx me with depression & anxiety I'm not even sure I ever was truly depressed. I felt flat & had lost interest in life, felt stuck in a rut I couldn't drag myself out of but I think I should have been looking at psychotherapy to begin with.

It was not severe enough for me to think that medications were an option however I believed this to be an imbalance I had created over 3 years of methamphetamine abuse, a drug I stopped using in May 2013. The lack lustre feeling about life started about 4 months later. I mean I was having so many ups & downs because of drug abuse that I actually felt ok not having it for those 4months. I would use every weekend, 3 days on, 4 days off. I remember using where I would become obsessive in searching for ANY little bit of evidence that my boyfriend was looking at porn or other girls online, it cut me deep inside at the best of times but on ice, much much worse, I was near on delusional I think, maybe it was more an overvalued idea but it consumed me. This morbid jealously didn't even start until after I started using ice, it changed me as a person, & it was like the delusion of sort was still present even when sober & persisted for a while after I stopped using. I have lost that jealously now. I'm not sure if I miss it. I would also pick at my skin & obsess on my phone for hours upon hours, sometimes days, trying to set traps to catch out my partner by tracking his web history, I was even considering getting keylogger software & everything. Just to see if he looked up boobs. Seems mad now.

Anyway, I thought hey I probably caused this with drugs, drugs will probably fix it too. I had tried cymbalta when I was 20 for anxiety but the immediate side effects were enough to stop me from taking it for more than a week. Then I was given Xanax & I never went back to the doctor. My anxieties only grew when I started using ice, but the xanax softened the comedown for a while, I saw no need to return.

So down this road of thinking I started pristiq in November 2014 after feeling like a depression was slowly blanketing me over a period of 14 months.

The day I commenced at 50mg I was feeling awesome within half an hour, I was saying to everyone why the hell didn't I do this earlier? Then within a few hours I was agitated, irritable, anxious & restless with racing thoughts, my heart was racing & the only relief I found was with Valium, & managed to get a few hours sleep. It induced a state of intense, boredom almost. I had an unbelievable desire to do something but I could not think of anything that I wanted to do or that could help me feel better, it took me hours to take the Valium & even then it only took the edge off. I couldn't work & needed to keep taking the Valium. It was like an intense comedown, when you desperately want to sleep to escape your own brain but your eyes are vibrating back into the open position against your will & your minds playing songs & echoing voices & every muscle is tensed up seconds after you forcefully make yourself relax them.

These symptoms improved somewhat but still have not left me. So the GP figured we would double it to 100mg, which I protested & didn't follow her instruction until February 2015. Same things happened, my depression only got worse & I went to see a psychiatrist who decided I was "bipolar spectrum disorder," I don't really know what he means by that, either bipolar type 2 or NOS I'm not sure, he put me on lithium 750mg, which within a fortnight improved my mood somewhat & reduced the agitation significantly. I stayed on the pristiq 100mg because the day after I accidentally missed a pill I was a blubbering mess of tears & anxiety. & I was about to move 2500km away with my partner to start new jobs...so we figured best to wait until after I moved & had settled in to stop the pristiq.

So we moved in May 2015 & I was ok but began to feel very very flat again, worse than before. I decided I would stop the lithium one night late May for no real reason that I can think of except I thought it was the culprit in making me feel so flat & blunted. Well, I was self harming by the next day, not sleeping more than 4 hours a day, not eating, & drinking alcohol before work. I heard a woman's voice saying "your stupid," I had racing thoughts & suicidal ideation. But I managed to work somehow, although after 4 days like this I became exhausted & depressed. I felt no real capacity to feel joy, I just wanted sleep & to be left alone most of the time. It felt like the beginning of a bigger existential crisis, I started to question why we are even here, what was the point, why should I want to go on?

The suicidal ideations escalated to me devising a plan. At this stage I felt I should contact the mental health service & had some crisis counselling. Around this time I had also decided I would reduce my pristiq to 50mg on my own because I didn't want to take it anymore. So I did that & still depressed my new GP where I live commenced me on fluoxetine 20mg daily in late August 2015.

Within 2 weeks I was feeling an improvement but went to see a psychiatrist again. He's assessment was that my depression is improving but I still have significant anxiety so to increase the fluoxetine to 40mg. So I've done that, started Saturday & felt great, giddy almost. That feeling has abated but now I'm just not sleeping well & here I am at 1:30am writing an essay to strangers. Is anyone else as confused as I am?

[CANDC]

Welcome to Psych Central (PC). I am sorry you are suffering from bipolar disorder. If you feel you need to expand your support system joining Psych Central is a good choice. It has helped me meet new people, get new ideas for coping, and become a better listener.

Many people who are actively involved in Psych Central find it helps take them out of their own problems to develop empathy for others. And their problems are more manageable the more they help others.

Anxiety chat is from 8PM EST on Wednesday and Depression chat is 9PM EST on Thursday. Many people go there with other diagnoses so if you want to meet some people and find support there you are certainly welcome. And their are other chats too. When you have 5 posts you can check the schedule on the Calendar in the blue bar above. Bipolar Chat has been happening on Saturday night at 9PM EST.

Glad you are joining us here. Some people find the forums give them the compassion and empathy they seek. http://forums.psychcentral.com

Please feel free to private message me or any of the Community Liaisons by left clicking on the name in blue to the left of their post) for questions or just to share.

[misslabarinth]

Hello and welcome to Psych Central,
This community is full of kind and caring members.
If you have a question or just wish to talk, don't hesitate to give me a message
(Click my name in blue to the left of my post)
I also wish to point out that if I don't answer (which I normally do ) or I'm not online, the community liaisons are always looking to help.
Identifying one is easy, the term 'community liaison' is right below their name
Take care ~
MissLabarinth
__________________

[Wanderlust90]

Thanks CANDC & misslabarinth for making first contact.
I hope to find others who have had similar experiences & to learn from them. Now Im beginning to understand some of these confusing & confronting symptoms, I want to learn to help others work through them & in doing so learn more about myself.
Right now I feel like a weight has been lifted off my shoulders, the depression is improving but I'm scared it will become something more. The depression/bipolar conundrum is confusing me more & more everyday as is the medication changes. I am curious to know if any others who have a diagnosis of bipolar (not type 1) that are only taking an ssri?
Also Rumi, amazing.