[Tryinginnocence]

No one knows who I am. Perhaps this is because I don’t know myself. I am torn between contradictory ways of thinking.

I am happiest when I care for myself and the world around me, but I feel that I can’t sustain this cheery perception of things. I have an alternate view that often replaces the cheery one, which I fall into periodically, and this other view shows me that nothing matters.

This extreme contrast is taxing. It hurts me to go from one extreme to the other. Well, I don’t know if “hurt” is the right word -- but my mood can quickly turn, at best, to “unhappy," and by anyone else's account, if they knew, then they'd likely say that I was being "destructive" by taking some points of view.

I see what I can do with my life, all of the possibilities. I see what could be mine if I choose to do certain things, if I devote myself to certain courses of study, if I foster certain relationships; I often do these things with some consistency for periods of time, but then I tend to retreat, almost suddenly. I fall back to the way of uncaring -- I go back to the realization that nothing matters.

“What in the hell am I doing any of this for?” I ask myself. I see that I could obtain whatever I want, if I’d like, but then, once I think about it more thoroughly, once I size up the long-term consequences of caring, then I start to denounce it all as not worth my time.

Am I fearful?

Why is it worth it? If I really wanted to avoid hardship, then I could end it all, almost immediately, with maybe only a brief period of discomfort.

I think a psychiatrist may diagnose my problem as being that of someone who suffers from multiple personalities. I could probably get a diagnosis for bipolar as well. Depression? Without a doubt.

But I don’t care much about all that. I mean, I don’t suffer from some sort of unique feelings. People all over the world feel much the same way as I do. “Depression” and the related psychological “disorders” are usually addressed through first acknowledging that there is something wrong with one's own way of thinking. The person wants to be “normal” -- to fit in with their social surroundings without so much psychological distress.

However, I lack that desire, that “need” to fit in. In fact, as soon as I see myself “fitting in” then I become repulsed and I seek an escape, diverting to the world of uncaring.

Logically, there's not really a solution to my problem. I'm just confused. I'm unwilling, at this point in my life, to take on any one philosophical perspective with any conviction.

Thank you for providing me with the outlet to express myself.

hello and welcome to you.

hope you find this forum supportive!

[*Laurie*]

Welcome to PC, Tryinginnocence.