[Fidgett]

My existential crisis/view has made me deathly afraid of contamination.

I should note that this involves existential thoughts that some people might be disturbed by.

This may sound kind of out there, but I'm in a very deteriorating state and can't seem to get the help I need anywhere else. So if anyone can help me, please do.

All of my problems stem from my existential beliefs. I've come to fear that your "self" is determined by your material brain. Various thought experiments show that we draw arbitrary lines to declare when someone has died/their self/"soul" is gone. For example: exactly how much of your brain has to change or die before "you" are not "you"? The answer seems to be that there is no line, because there is no persistent self. It's all just an illusion of the brain, which is what produces your consciousness.

This results in major philosophical problems such as "how can any action ever be justified since "you" won't experience the result?" This is somewhat tied in with the more specific problem I'm about to get to, and it doesn't necessarily need to be solved here.

What DOES need to be solved, is my fear of contamination from drugs. Specifically drugs, such as caffeine or SSRIs, that pass directly through the blood brain barrier and mess with your neurotransmitters. To me, artificially changing your neurotransmitters seems like artificially changing your "soul" or self. It's changing you on the most fundamental level. It's changing who YOU are- literally. It feels less like helping me and more like replacing me.

The problem is, we live in a world today where these chemicals are EVERYWHERE. In my own residence, coffee, coke, chocolate, ice cream, etc. are everywhere (these all contain caffeine). Furthermore, so are pills such as SSRIs. I have gone to such lengths to avoid ingesting even a single molecule of these chemicals that I am literally about to be committed to a facility. I believe that it is likely that my efforts are futile anyway since trace amounts probably exists everywhere, and possibly even in the air, but despite searching vigorously for it, I cannot find proof that it is futile. So I feel compelled to try to avoid them.

Now you may have noticed I seem to contradict myself. I both say that the self is likely an illusion, and I go to the most extreme lengths to protect mine. To explain my actions, let me put it this way: we SHOULD avoid death, right? We SHOULD avoid brain damage. We SHOULD fear the idea of our brains completely changing to the point that we are not ourselves anymore. These are all things that the world pretty much agrees on. My issue is that having these chemicals get into my brain essentially is just like these fears, only less far along. If enough of these drugs were in my system, afterall, it would effectively cause permanent brain damage. So where do I draw the line? The answer seems to be that NO amount is acceptable. It's doing the same thing to my self, it's just harder to see it because the "new self" is similar to the old one.

I've been at this for two and a half months. My life is hell, and I don't say that lightly. Nothing has helped me so far, not my psychologist, not CBT, etc. The only thing that can get me out of this is to be convinced of one of these three things:

1. That there is some way to find meaning in life even if your self is constantly being destroyed and replaced by the minute or even if there is no self.

2. That the chemicals I fear are literally impossible to avoid anyway. If someone can show me, which evidence rather than just assuring me, that these things are essential everywhere in some small amount or are in the air, that is what I'm looking for.

3. That these chemicals, though working in a different way (and being things the brain did not develop to interact with), are really no different than all the chemicals you normally consume in your diet. I recognize that neurotransmitters levels are surely affected by things we eat or even experience. I suppose for some reason, drugs seem different to me: it feels like diet is a normal part of existing and doesn't bother me so much, but these things that pass through the blood brain barrier to directly alter your neurotransmitters feel more akin to "unnatural" changes such as something poking into your brain.

I realize this may not seem like the place I should be going for help. But without giving TMI, I've exhausted or are currently using all other options. I am seeing a therapists (who I haven't made any progress with for two months), and obviously medicine is out of the question. I have almost no one I can talk to about these things, and sites like Yahoo answers aren't exactly helpful. This is the only place on the internet I can think of that MIGHT be able to help me.

If anyone can help me to at least get past my fear of unwillingly consuming drugs like the ones I described through contamination/spreading trace amounts, please help. I'll take whatever responses I can get at this point.

I'm wanting to reply to your post, but I'm thinking that another time when I have more energy would be better. You've asked some complex questions, and I am tired today and my brain isn't feeling up the the challenge of expressing my thoughts adequately.

More later.

[Fidgett]

Originally Posted by jo_thorne

I'm wanting to reply to your post, but I'm thinking that another time when I have more energy would be better. You've asked some complex questions, and I am tired today and my brain isn't feeling up the the challenge of expressing my thoughts adequately.

More later.

I would greatly appreciate it. Thank you.

[*Laurie*]

As I understand it, in no way is one's soul affected by chemicals.

You claim that medication is not an option, but you're shooting yourself in the foot. If you'd just give meds a try for a few days you'd discover that you've been in a downward spiral of obsessive, possibly delusional thinking that is creating a huge problem for you, then feeding into the problem until you're a hairballed mess of anxiety.

I believe that you are exactly the kind of person medication can help.

I sent you a PM. (private message) Maybe the first half will be of some help. I suggested a couple of resources for you as well. Tough questions. My brain hasn't been getting much of a workout lately besides anagramming.

[Tauren]

It sounds like you have too broad a definition of "contamination." Every single thing you ever eat affects your brain chemistry.

[Koko2]

I've heard that all of the molecules in our bodies are replaced within 7 years, and that would include brain molecules. So physically, we aren't the same person we were 7 years ago or have the same brain we had 7 years ago.

[sweetmadness]

Hey. Here's my thoughts as I have had similar contemplations. I think the soul is you and you experience your soul that is affected by the world around you. The soul came first so the medication influences your chemistry but not your soul which is the alpha and omega of your unique self. The soul is what you gain from karma and life challenges from one to the next. I also think people reincarnate. But that reincarnation is not and never meant to be perfect or a perfect process meaning you could be sharing a piece of your soul with someone else or could be connected to others without knowing. Why? Some of my moms delusions reference current and former past lives. She thinks she has so much

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